Page 10 of The Last Dance

‘I felt the same way at first, but you get used to it. One day you might want to get away from everything that happened here. I’m recently divorced, which isn’t the same as being widowed, but I know how the past can continue to haunt you.’

‘Yeah…’ I nod. He’s right. The past can be the scariest part of your life, over and done with but never truly leaving you alone. Like the widower thing. I hate being called a widower even though I know technically that’s what I am. It ran in her obituary that I was her husband so every once in a while, I’ll get someone who says it not even realizing that hearing it feels as though someone is tearing my heart right out of my chest. I know I was her husband for that last week, but the entire situation didn’t feel much like any kind of marriage I’d ever imagined. I didn’t feel like a husband. I always thought if I was to ever get married, and that’s a big if, that I’d be the guy who loved protecting my wife from anything that could hurt her. That’s just me. But I couldn’t protect Rory from cancer and that alone kills me.

‘I might do that.’ I nod, staring down at the card in my hands before looking back over at him.

‘Well, it’s late so I’ll let you get to wherever you were heading, but don’t hesitate to give me a call.’

‘Sure thing.’ I watch him turn to walk the opposite direction of where I’m headed.

I slowly make my way a few more blocks to my apartment, walking in and staring into the dark room from the kitchen. I can almost see her sitting on the couch like she used to. Her blonde hair frames her face; she smiles.

‘I missed you. Did you miss me?’

I nod. ‘So much.’ I know Rory’s not really sitting there on my couch. But in my head, she is.

‘Did you always love Ambri?’

I drop my head to the ground, my hand resting on the back of my neck. I can’t answer that question because I truthfully don’t know. I never even considered it until recently. Maybe she was too close to me for me to see it? I close my eyes tight, taking a breath before opening them again, hoping to God that when I do, she’ll be gone again. That’s what she does now, comes into my life fleetingly by way of memories around every corner and me seeing her when I know she’s not really there. Sometimes she’s silent and sometimes she’s asking me questions I don’t know the answers to. I open one eye, seeing an empty room and breathing a sigh of relief.

I pull Graham’s business card from my pocket, putting it on the fridge with a magnet that Ambri bought me that says, ‘You Can’t Sit With Us’, a line fromMean Girls. A movie that as a man I feel like I shouldn’t know well enough to use quotes from.

I stare at the photos on my fridge that I sometimes try to avoid but haven’t been able to find the heart to take down. Rory and I in black tie at a wedding of a friend of hers. That was the moment I knew she wanted to get married. I wasn’t ready. When I told her I didn’t know if I’d ever be ready for marriage we almost broke up that week, but she decided that I was, for some reason, worth the wait. A photo-booth strip of us on our first anniversary. Each photo goofier than the one before. She and I lying in her hospital bed together the week she was admitted. Her smile says she’s gonna kick cancer’s ass. The pit already growing in my stomach gets bigger the longer I stare at us.

I glance away from her and at my favorite photo. Ambri and I at a beer fest, working the booth for Two Brothers Brew with Ben and Claire. It’s only Ambri and me in the photo, each handing out drinks to the people in front of us. She was giving everyone who approached us a secret nickname like HotMessExpress, AssSquatch, and ThreeDrunkiteers. Anyone that hit on her she’d send over to me to serve because we were supposed to be professional and Ben didn’t want her letting some guy have it. That was a good day. She had me laughing the whole time. I don’t have a single memory of Ambri and me that makes me hurt the way I do right now.

I yank the photos of Rory and me off the fridge and shove them in a drawer, slamming it shut as I walk towards my room. She can’t haunt me if she’s not staring at me.

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