Page 48 of Ties That Bind Us

He caught my wrist firmly before I could make contact, causing me to yelp in pain. “You don’t get to fucking do this, Ava. I messed up, but that doesn’t mean you get to throw all of your progress away. You owe it to me to let me explain what happened.”

I opened my mouth to speak but nothing came out. I had never felt so conflicted in my life. I wanted to fight him but I also wanted to hear what he had to say. I needed this to make some kind of sense in my head, and Nick was the only person who could do that for me, yet he was the person who was responsible for it to begin with.

“Ava, please get in the car, and I will tell you everything. I swear.” His voice cracked slightly.

I hesitated, but nodded softly. He opened the door for me and I climbed inside.

“What happened?” I asked breathlessly, once he was seated next to me.

“Not here. You need to be sober to hear this story.”

I waited for him to reach out and put his hand on my leg like he normally did, but he didn’t. He kept his eyes fixed on the road, his jaw flaring every once in a while.

Regret washed over me. I should have given him a chance to explain from the beginning, and now here I was drunk and high, possibly having ruined everything.

Chapter 17

Ava

When I woke up the next morning, I felt like I had fallen off the cliff. My entire body ached, my throat burned, and my eyes were so heavy I could hardly keep them open. What had happened to me last night?

I blinked several times, trying to adjust to my surroundings. Why was I in Nick’s room? Was I wearing his T-shirt? The reality of what had happened last night hit me out of nowhere. Nick had confessed to killing my brother. All of my initial feelings hit me like a tidal wave. The hurt, the betrayal. The realization that everyone had been lying to me about it for years. I must have . . . God, what had I done?

A cup of water sat on the nightstand, still with ice in it. Nick must’ve put it there recently. I sat up carefully and reached for the cup, then took a small drink from it. The cool water hurt my burning throat at first, but then soothed it. It did nothing to help the splitting headache I had, though. I hadn’t felt like this since . . . oh God. Please, no. Why had I gotten high?

The night was coming back to me in small pieces, and every bit of it was gutting. Everything had been great at my parents’, and right as we were about to leave, everything blew up. The confrontation with Vince, Nick’s admission, me going to the Jag and finding Jimmy. I could see the line of coke he had laid out for me and feel the way my body tingled in response just at the sight of it. I would have given anything to forget what happened next but it was all so vivid in my mind. There was another guy at the bar. The way his head snapped back when Nick punched him would be ingrained in my mind forever. I cradled my head in my hands in frustration. How could I have let things spiral so out of control? I had worked so hard over the last several months, and now all of that was just gone in one moment of stupidity and selfishness.

At the moment, I wasn’t sure who I was more upset with—myself for breaking my recovery or Nick for keeping the circumstances of my brother’s death from me. It wasn’t a simple white lie; this was my brother’s life. Nick had played a part in his death, and whatever that meant, it should have been one of the very first things he told me. Here we were, supposed to be building a life together, and he was keeping some pretty serious shit from me.

I had every right to be upset, but what I shouldn’t have done was go crawling back to my old habits. I had set myself back in a giant way, and who knew how long it would take me to reach that point in my recovery again. It was a daily battle, and while I’d like to say it was a one-time thing, it was a slippery slope. What came next was unknown, and that was the most scary for me.

Hearing Nick say he shot my brother still haunted my mind. It made me sick to even think about. He had been the only one in my life who was actually honest with me and who treated me like an equal. It was out of character for him to keep me in the dark like he had, and if I had been thinking clearly I would have realized that and given him an opportunity to explain. And honestly, my father was just as much to blame as anyone. He obviously knew what had happened, and not only had he kept it from me, he put me in a situation where I could be completely blindsided. After giving myself some time to actually think about what happened, I knew I had to talk to Nick before making any kind of judgment.

I got out of bed much too quickly, causing a raging pain in my head. I needed to find Nick and sort through all of this. I felt overwhelmed trying to piece together how I felt about all of this on my own. At the very least, Nick had lied to me, but I had acted immaturely and irrationally. We both had some explaining to do.

I went into the bathroom to splash some water on my face and try to make myself look like I wasn’t quite as hungover and in withdrawal as I was. My eyes were dark and sunk in, and I pinched my cheeks trying to establish a little bit of color in my pale skin. The sight of my bare left hand made my heart drop. Oh my God. I had given my ring to the bartender! If I thought Nick was going to be upset before, this would surely be the icing on the cake.

I couldn’t avoid this any longer, though. Nick had the answers I so desperately needed. I was going to have to face whatever was coming to me, but so was he.

The hallway was filled with the smell of breakfast. He couldn’t be all that mad if he was cooking for me, could he? I guess that was a good sign—at least, I was choosing to take it that way.

He was standing with his back to me, wearing just a pair of sweatpants. It always softened my resolve seeing how perfect he was. His muscular back moved around the kitchen with ease, but the way he carried himself was different this morning. His shoulders were slightly sunken, and he moved slowly, unlike his usually confident demeanor. He heard me come in, and turned to face me after a few seconds, clearing his throat.

“Good morning,” I said sheepishly. I wish I had any kind of inkling of what went on last night so I could anticipate what was coming. There was never a doubt Nick would be livid. What I hadn’t been prepared for, though, was the look of torment and hurt on his face. It was like a dark cloud was blanketing the kitchen. It wasn’t anger but pure anguish. Neither one of us wanted to move first, for fear of igniting the other, so we stood facing each other with our eyes locked for several seconds.

“Good morning.” A very small smile turned up at his lips. “You look . . .”

“Hopefully better than I feel.” I chuckled a little, trying to lighten the mood.

“I’m making breakfast. There are some painkillers in the cabinet if you need them,” Nick offered, turning back to the eggs sizzling on the stove. I didn’t have the heart to tell him, but the thought of eating right now was enough to make me want to throw up right then and there.

I sat in silence as he cooked, and after a few minutes he joined me at the bar and slid a plate of food in front of me.

“You didn’t need to do this.” I bit my lip, holding back tears. I hadn’t expected to get emotional, but the second I felt his hand on my knee all of that went out the window.

“I’ve been trying to think of what I wanted to say to you for the last several hours, but nothing really seems appropriate.” His voice was even and calm as he stared out the window.

“I guess we’ve got a lot to talk about.”

---