Page 71 of The Shadowbound and the False God

She felt the memory of his illusory, spectral grip tightening on her throat and she swallowed hard to clear it before she could speak again. “In the night garden, at Nyctara…”

He nodded. “Yes. In the dungeon, too. And The Cut, and before the moon gate, and in my study, and in my chambers. Over and over again I have watched myself kill you. I lost count of how many times I watched you fall by my hand, and each time felt just as real as the last.”

The unvarnished honesty in his admission was less soothing now and more a sharp blade between her ribs, and Aisling didn’t know whether to pull away or let it sink deeper.

“I thought it had to have been some sort of divine penance for what I did to you. And I would have endured it, every bit of it, until the realms collapsed and all of me—flesh, blood, aneiydh—was gone from this world. I would have endured it because Ideservedit. But this…” Kael’s voice cracked and finally he looked away, his hands clenching into hard fists. “This, I am not strong enough to bear.”

Aisling took a shaky breath, her arms tightening around herself.

“You didn’t tell me,” she said, trembling. “You didn’t tell me what you planned to do. You didn’t give me a choice, Kael. Youjust put that on me; you decided for me. Do you have any idea what that’s done to me?”

The words spilling out of her now were ones she knew by heart. These were the words she’d practiced drunk by herself in her apartment, and had whispered into her knees in the shower, and had shouted to the sea over the roar of rolling thunder. These were the words she thought Kael would never hear.

“I do,” he whispered.

“No, you don’t. Your visions, yourpenance,none of that was real! You don’t know what it’s like to truly live with something like that, to carry it all alone. I gave up every good part of me that day and now I have to live knowing that I’ve killed. Knowing that I—” Aisling had to pause for a moment, sucking in another breath of that cold air to steel herself before finishing. “That I killed you.”

“You did not kill me,” Kael insisted. He closed the distance between them, his hands hovering inches from hers, as if he wasn’t sure he had the right to touch her anymore. “Yalde killed me. My choices killed me. I put you in an impossible position, and that regret is the weightImust carry. But don’t you dare carry the weight of killing me. Don’t you dare take the blame for something I did.”

Aisling’s eyes burned, but she refused to let the tears fall. Not yet. He didn’t deserve to see her break yet.

“It doesn’t matter whether you think it was your fault or Yalde’s or anyone else’s! I can still feel it. Every time I look at you, I remember what it felt like to cut open your throat. I remember the sound of your body falling to the ground. The taste of your blood in my mouth. The smell of your burning flesh on that pyre. You left me with that weight to carry, Kael.”

His hands swept over the backs of hers when he said, “I know.”

“And I’m tired. It’s been so, so heavy.” It had been; at times, Aisling didn’t even realize how much of a toll this all had takenon her. Until she had another nightmare, or spent another day unable to leave her apartment, or gave another thin excuse to avoid seeing her friends. For someone raised on the battlefield and fueled by bloodshed, she thought it unlikely that Kael would fully grasp the gravity of how that one act had changed her so deeply. Even still, it was important to her that he hear it now, whether he could appreciate it or not.

“I know,” he repeated, even quieter this time.

“You didn’t even trust me enough to tell me the truth. You let me believe we had a future—that we had an after. Why?” She looked up at him, every muscle and tendon in her body wound tightly, fighting hard to keep a burgeoning avalanche of emotions at bay. She didn’t want comfort, she wanted answers. She didn’t want an apology yet. He might be able to earn her forgiveness with time, but he had to earn the right to apologize first.

“Because I knew you would attempt to stop me otherwise. Because I am terribly selfish. And because I could not stand to lose the hope I saw in your eyes each time you looked at me.” A pause. A breath. “Do you remember when you told me I could be better?”

Of course she did. It might have been that precise, infinitesimal moment when she realized that she loved him. But now that he was standing there, right there, right in front of her, she couldn’t summon the words. To confess her feelings to him like this would seem like throwing darts in the dark, blindfolded. And she wasn’t brave enough. The only certainty now was that nothing was certain—everything felt so precarious, so fragile. Although she wanted so badly to melt into him, she was angry and afraid and far, far too stubborn.

So instead, she just said, “Yes.”

“Do you still believe it?”

It wasn’t an easy question for her to consider objectively.Did she believe he could be better?He had given up his power, his kingdom, everything he’d worked and fought for to end the war with the Seelie Court. He’d given his life for peace. The Kael Aisling took to bed on Nocturne would have cut her down without a second thought at the mere suggestion. But by that same token, he’d kept it from her. He forced her hand. He was selfish.

“I want to.” It was the best answer she could give.

“Then I will—Iwant to—prove it to you. I know what I can give, I know what it will take to—”

Aisling cut him off, planting her hands in the center of his chest and shoving. It only knocked her off balance, which only angered her further. “No, enough, Kael! I don’t want to hear it. I don’t want to hear what more you’re going to sacrifice, I don’t want to hear another grand, realm-altering plan. It’s cold, and dark, and I’m tired. So if that’s what you brought me out here to tell me, then I’m going back inside.”

Kael caught her as she turned, his grip iron on her wrist, and spun her back to face him.

“No,” he growled. His eyes were dark now, his expression fierce. “I will not let you push me away again. There is too much I need to say to you. If you refuse to say another word in return, fine. But you will hear me.”

When she didn’t immediately pull away Kael’s grasp relaxed, his fingers easing their hold but not yet releasing her. Aisling’s gaze dropped to where his hand encircled her wrist, the space between them so small yet so vast. His thumb traced slow, deliberate circles over the skin just below her palm. It wasn’t just a touch—it was an apology, a plea, and a promise all at once. The frantic, restless energy that had been coursing through her receded just a bit.

“Then talk.” She inhaled deeply, letting the cold air fill her lungs and slow her racing heart. “I’m listening.”

The panic that filled Kael when Aisling began to turn away was visceral and undeniable. It had taken him this long to find the courage to address this, all of this, with her. Now, he was letting the moment slip through his fingers, every verbal misstep another painful crack through his chest. He could see it happening before his eyes as though he were watching someone else try and fail to put into words all the things that he carried. The things Aisling needed to hear.

He much preferred sword fighting: each step sure, each blow and parry very nearly a choreographed dance. If she stepped to the right, he knew where to move his feet. If she lunged, he knew how to shift his weight. A call, a response; an action, a reaction.

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