Page 43 of Devious Delusions

Will she be screaming and shouting because of something she’s convinced herself of?

Will she be calm?

Will she accept the truth?

Each scenario has its own panic attached to it when I won’t be here to mitigate any harm or trouble she could get into. I’ve worked too hard to get her to this point to lose it all now.

Her features soften and she looks away from to mumble, “I’m not crazy.” She laughs and adds, “Well, I am. But I know I am, so nothing will happen because I know the things in my head aren’t real.”

Leaning up on her toes, she presses a soft kiss to my jawline and whispers, “Let me make your life easier.” She moves to the other side and does the same. “Tell me what will make you happy.”

Doesn’t she know by now that all I have ever wanted is her?

There has never been a moment of my life that I have known Delilah and been anything other than hopelessly in love with her. So much so, that I sacrificed myself time and time again.

I don’t even think about anything else as I pick her up and block out the rest of the world, my responsibilities, and my thoughts.

“Just you,” I say honestly, “that’s what will make me happy. A world where there is just me and you.”

She smiles and hugs me. Fuck, I’ve missed that smile. A full, unrestrained, no bullshit smile is enough to have my chest filling with warmth. I don’t think about either of our mistakes or anything I need to do. Here, under the spray from the shower, nothing else exists.

Delilah is herself, and I’m me.

I turn to hide in the furthest corner and press her against the tile. My beg is weak as fuck but I need her to remind me.

“Tell me you love me.”

I’d accept a lie at this point. I just need one person to see me after all of these years.

Without missing a beat, she cups my face in both hands and lies, “I love you, Asher, only ever you.”

It requires effort not to shout back that it’s bullshit when we both know it is and I accept the lie. I take it because that’s the only thing she’ll give me but having her is enough to make me feel human, so I ignore the past. In this moment, she’s my wife and there’s no soot-covered history spreading through our lives. There’s no Asher, Delilah, or Kane. We’re just husband and wife who can provide comfort to each other.

21

DELILAH

I’ve spent the entire morning gearing myself up for this moment as I reach the small stores. I send Asher a message so he knows where I am in case I do something stupid. My timings have worked, and I’ve taken my pills, but my hand trembles as I get out of the cab. As rude as it is, I can’t get my tongue to move and say thank you to the driver. I should have accepted Asher’s offer to keep his car but I can’t keep taking from him and making his life harder. The cab drives away, no doubt thinking I’m an ill-mannered piece of shit, but all of my focus is on remembering my name.

Asher said money isn’t an issue, but I can’t sit in that house day after day doing nothing or I’ll become even crazier. His birthday is coming up and the photos of our life together show that he’s turned into an extravagant gift giver since we were teenagers. Every snapshot of a birthday or anniversary had flowers in the background. It doesn’t matter if he forgets that I hate the fresh blooms because it shows his thought and care has gone into it. The only way I can give him the same without making him a pathetic sock puppet is by having access to my own money.

I can’t buy him a gift with his own money, and I can’t make anything for him when he’s never been interested in my paintings or compositions. But my feet don’t move as I look at the glass doors of the clothing boutique. The outfits are nice, and I thought it would be easy enough to transfer a childhood of being pushed into fancy fabrics to selling them to other people.

Soft giggling gets my attention, distracting me and my anxieties. A little boy pulls on his mom’s hand and points further ahead to a group of children and their respective adults loading onto a bus. They’re all excited, even the adults, and a woman stands beside the doors, ticking their names off a list.

She spots me staring like an idiot and smiles. “Did you sign up to volunteer?”

I shake my head, about to apologize when another thought strikes.

“I’ve just moved here, but if you still need volunteers, I’m sure I can do something.”

Well done, dickhead, you can do something when you’re not even trusted to remember to take your pills on time so your husband has to remind you.

The woman doesn’t know that though and she doesn’t judge me. I won’t have to sit opposite her and disclose that I have issues with my memory so I definitely shouldn’t be trusted with closing a store. So, I walk towards her and ignore the fact I have an interview that I’ll be embarrassed about not turning up to.

She gestures for me to come closer and hands me the clipboard as she smiles at each child and adult getting onto the bus and lowers her voice to say, “It’s an activity day and the volunteers only come to gossip. So, it’s the best place to learn about your new neighbors.”

I fill in my details—Delilah Newman’s—and hand it back to her. She reads my name and smiles again. “Well, Delilah, it looks like we’re all set. I’m Kara. Do you have a car to follow?”

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