Page 56 of Volatile

I get some distance between me and an ass kicking as she takes out a spatula. Fuck, I’m even harder, why the fuck is everything so erotic? No wonder I love food when the utensils to make it are so closely linked to fucking.

I’m smiling like a dopey bastard, hoping she brushes everything off as playful without making me look deeper into why my mouth got away from me. Can I imagine waking up to Stasi every day despite never having it? Yes. Do I want to fuck her for the rest of my life? Also fucking yes. But she doesn’t want marriage or family, it’s the one part of us that doesn’t align. I want that shit, a kid who will make me run away from them while they’re awake, but I’ll tuck them into bed and read them stories or some shit. It will be a fucking menace, a little terror ripping my life apart in the best possible way. One thing I can’t do is force someone into a role they don’t express any interest in. My parents never wanted children, they despised us and took that shit out on us every chance they got. I won’t allow my kid to experience that shit.

I think about it deeper, and she’s never said anything either way on her opinion of being a parent. Oh fuck, if she does then I’ll knock her up while she’s making me pancakes. It would be perfect, and I’d hold her upside down to increase the chances while I eat them. She’s good with Verena, even Vasili likes her and he’s already an asshole like his dad. I’ll die for my nephew and he’s only a toddler, but the kid is going to be a dickhead, it’s in his DNA and he idolizes the psycho. If Vanya is any indication of what Vlad’s offspring will be, they’re all fucking unhinged and I’m glad I’m related to them, so I never end up on their kill lists.I think Dominik even likes spending time around her and he’s well on his way to becoming a sociopath.

I throw out random questions to get Stasi’s guard down and keep my tone light.

“Who would you rather fight, Vlad or Vanya?”

Psycho or psycho junior, they’re both nuts but Vanya packs a different level of nuts with her torture. My girl is perfect, and she has an openness about her as she mixes something in a bowl. This is her happy place; the real Anastasia is in front of me, and her voice is softer as she says, “Neither of them, they scare the shit out of me.”

The conversation is easy and I’m not battling for responses.

I nearly fall off my seat when she engages me.

“Would you rather never eat or never have sex again?”

She’s proving how much she knows me, my two weaknesses. If the choice was her, it would be an easy pick. But it’s a nameless, faceless fuck that I can live without. She’s adorable and her eyes sparkle, filling with a new light as I say, “Never have sex.”

With anyone other than you.

The longer we continue shooting off random shit, the less tension there is in my body. I know I need to make an excuse to pop some pills when the last dose doesn’t fully dull the pain, but I don’t want to break our bubble.

“Would you rather eat shit that tastes like chocolate,” I ask and her nose scrunches up, “or chocolate that tastes like shit?”

“There’s something wrong with you,” she mumbles.

“How? There’s only one right answer.”

She shakes her head and I gesture for her to go next but she shakes her head and mumbles again, “No, it’s fucked up.”

“Go on, malysh.”

The spatula flattens against the bottom of the bowl as she looks up and she whispers, “Would you rather kill Vlad or Val?”

I pause.

“Forget it, I said it was fucked up,” she waves the question away.

“Stas, it’s not fucked up, I’ve thought about it before,” I admit and she begins stirring the bowl again. “Vlad isn’t really like a brother, he’s more a parent like Dima. Gun to my head? I’d die before I hurt my brothers or anyone in my family.”

A small smile lifts her lips and she looks down, whispering, “They’re very lucky.”

So is she because she’s family now. I’d kill for her, die for her, anything. Fuck, I’m so fucked over her but I can’t get up as my knee twinges. Rubbing the joint to ease the ache, I sit back and ask the real question I want to know. “Do you want kids? Little Stasis running out into the world?”

Please say yes.

I’ll have my literal dream in front of me, but she instantly deflates, the lightness morphing into self-doubt as she breathes out hate for herself and turns to portion out the mixture while saying shit that isn’t true. “No child deserves that.”

The twinges can get fucked, my body might be slow, but I grit my teeth as I limp towards her. Wrapping my arms around her from behind, I rest my chin on her shoulder and kiss her cheek.

“Don’t speak about yourself with other people’s words, Anastasia.”

Whenever I use her full name she listens to the words, allows them to sink and gives them weight. My girl hugs my arms and nods while turning the interrogation on me.

“Tell me something no one knows, Tali.”

There’s so much shit in my head but the majority of it isn’t mine, the only thing I have is my knee and it’s not as deep as her hurts.

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