Page 63 of Voracious

I can’t stop them – the filing cabinet has opened and it’s all there.

I peel his hand off my neck and jump off the bed, running away. I’m weird and wrong. Everything they said was right and Dima can see it all. He can see all the scars and the way I don’t fucking know anything. Going through the door closest to me, I don’t realize I’m in his bathroom until I try and close the door. It doesn’t touch the frame as fingers curl around the edge, obstructing me.

This is why I’m Ana, she knows things, she lived and she didn’t get attached to anyone. B got attached, when that happens people get hurt and she never knows what the fuck to do. Angry tears burn a path down my cheeks, and I leave the stupid door and stand in front of the sink. My fist flies out so I don’t have to see my reflection at the same time as Dima steps into the room.

He’s already put his shorts back on and grabs my hand, inspecting my knuckles, as my voice comes out small laced with apology.

“I don’t know who I am.”

He drops my hand and pulls me into his chest, his lips brushing my crown and I want to tell him I’m sorry.

I’m sorry I’m not a real person and for pretending to be one.

My cheek is pressed against his heart, and it muffles my explanation.

“I don’t even have a name, just a letter. No surname or birth certificate.”

I don’t know how he understands me, but he strokes my hair away from my face and rests his lips on my crown as though he’s trying to put the words directly in my head.

“You can have my last name, pick whatever you want for your first name.”

His jokes has a watery laugh leaving me, but he doesn’t copy me.Keeping me tucked to his chest, he turns and pulls a t-shirt off the back of the door, his lips are still pressed into my crown as I lift my arms when I’m told to. He doesn’t let me hide again, holding my face in both hands, he dips down and swipes the tears away with only conviction in his voice and features.

“I know who you are, whether you have a name or not.” Kissing my forehead, he adds, “You’re my sweet, murderous, beautiful, psychotic hellion, don’t run from me.”

He doesn’t stop trying to shut Yulia and Marlo up as he presses gentle fingers to the middle of my back, behind my ear, and then to my stomach.

“None of this shit is true. Do you still trust me?” I nod because he’s the only person I ever have, he copies it but it’s not as bright as usual as he says, “Then turn to me when you think you don’t know who you are, I’ll tell you about yourself.” Kissing my forehead again, he moves across my face, placing gentle kisses against my eyes, my cheeks, my nose, and then my lips.

“I’ve got you, lisichka, I’ll never not know you.”

I’m tired again, it’s not in my body but my mind. Dima doesn’t say anything else and picks me up by the back of my thighs as if he knows how tiring it is to not know if you exist, he can’t know because he’s a normal person, but I hold on to him and rest my cheek on his shoulder as I whisper, “I’m sorry.”

His sigh is sad and touches my shoulder before he tries to lie.

“You haven’t done anything wrong, you never will.”

He doesn’t know about Theo, no one does, and I’ll never be able to take it back. That’s why everything goes wrong becauseIam wrong.

Dima doesn’t see it though and he lays on the bed with me on his chest without removing his lips from my hair. I know what he wants and attempt to sit up on my knees, but he bandshis arms tighter around me, his voice rougher, stern without any reprimand aimed at me.

“Just sleep, you will never do anything you don’t want to.”

He means it, he’s not pissed at me, and I lie about my movements.

“It’s not comfortable like this, I like sleeping on my side.”

I regret it because I was comfortable, and he moves out from under me. I’m not left alone for long as he lifts my head and places it on his bicep before wrapping his other arm around me and resting his chin on my crown.

“Go to sleep, I’ll never let anyone near you.”

I believe him, it’s dumb but I do and my eyes close.

1 Gorgeous

TWENTY-SIX

Ana

---