Page 45 of Voracious

He’s blocking the door and I quickly take a step backwards. His hands come out again and he cages me in with his arms. I hate that I like it. I’ve got used to his cologne, but he smells like soap. I miss it tickling my nose. There’s anger mixing with disappointment staring back at me and he doesn’t hold me tight enough to hurt. We both open our mouths at the same time, but Dima is mute.

“Why did you lie?”

He didn’t offer me money, that’s what usually happens first, and there was no demand for my lips to go anywhere else.

Slowly moving back, he runs his hands down my arms, and I don’t like that I like that too. It feels warm and comforting. No ants. He doesn’t look away from my eyes as he speaks in the new soft cadence.

“What did I lie about, lisichka?”

I should have asked why he always calls me a fox when I’m not one. But I focus on the important part of the conversation.

“You didn’t give me money or say exactly what you wanted, why did you lie?”

I haven’t even finished the first sentence when he hardens.The previous anger is replaced with fury, and he takes a mechanical step back. His entire body is tensed, and I can hear his teeth clenching. There are questions in his head, but his jawis tensed unable to get them out. I think he’s having another episode when he starts pacing. Each rotation there’s a pause and he looks at me, nothing leaves his mouth, and he restarts.Yeah, he’s definitely having another episode.

I’m not going to get an answer. I keep doing this, letting people make me think they’re nice when they’re not. Especially Dima. He hasn’t asked me for anything until today, he always reminds me to eat, and he’ll take me to search for Nina. But I’m an idiot thinking anything is different to what Yulia always said. She was right when I was sixteen and alone, there’s only one thing that controls everything. And she was right that I’m cursed, I ruin things and people.

My body deflates and I’m tired again. It keeps happening, I’ll be fine and then I just get tired. Sliding down the wall until I’m sat against it, I bring my knees up, uncaring that he could kick me in this position. It’s the worst place to be when someone is stood but I know he won’t. I don’t even care if he does. I’m sick of searching, not finding anything about Nina and then people changing everything in my head. I don’t know what’s real or what’s fake anymore. Some days I think Nina is fake, someone I made up like I have with B. A story to make myself feel better.

Dima drops to his haunches in front of me and softly says, “I didn’t lie, lisichka.” He pauses with his anger coming back, but it’s not directed at me. “And if any little cunts say shit to you, don’t hold back when you kill them. Ring me, I’ll help.”

He’s never helped before. He always stands at the back and looks like he’s going to throw up. I can imagine him doing the same thing and turning his face away from the blood.

His fingers touch my chin, tilting my face so I have to look at him and then he does something I’ve never witnessed before.

“I didn’t say it to make you uncomfortable, and you will never have to do something because it’s what I want. Okay?”

There’s no lie in his voice or on his face, it’s conviction. I’m usually good at filtering who the creepy perverts are, even when they’re nice. It’s how I know who to kill, the guards weren’t going to touch me, so they got to live. Words aren’t enough reason to kill people. But can they be enough reason to trust Dima?

I wish I was back at Yulia’s. I knew how life worked there. This is all confusing and I feel dumb not knowing what to do. Even though I was on my own, it was simple, and I had a routine. They were right, I’m not good in the real world. Marlo and Yulia kept me away from it because I don’t know how to navigate it. Or I don’t know how to because they kept me away from it? I want to scream. It’s overwhelming not knowing anything and that’s why I’m tired. Other people just know things, but I’m forced to always think about every little thing around me, whether I’m doing it right or if people are perverts.

Dima doesn’t allow me to stay in my thoughts and dips his head to catch my eyes, waiting for confirmation I understand. It’s easy to lie by nodding my head. His smile comes back but it’s smaller and my own lips move with his offer. “Want to kill someone?”

I want to reset my brain, but I can’t with him here watching me. I force my legs to strengthen and push my back into the wall, so I don’t touch him, and he follows me as I stand. He doesn’t stay in my space and takes a step back, blocking the window. I move at the same time as him. If I reset then tomorrow will be okay, I’ll keep looking for Nina and I’ll know what to do.

I don’t say anything and walk backwards towards the door. Dima doesn’t try to stop me, but his moon eyes are urging me to stay. Until I turn, and he lunges forward, grabbing my bag and holding it hostage. The force of the strap being pulled from my shoulder has the contents spilling out and I freeze before throwing my arms out, trying to catch it because my sticker is in it.

My notebook and clothes hit the floor, but I search for my sticker. It’s the only thing I’ve kept because I hid it. If I don’t it will be taken away. Dropping to my knees, I push the other things out of the way in search of the small paper. My things go everywhere as I keep swiping them aside.

No, I can’t lose it, it’s all I have. If I lose it, then no one will smile at me anymore, I won’t know anything, and I won’t have anyone.

The small tab of tape where I folded it over to protect it is the first thing I see and I carefully pick up the scrap pieces of paper to uncover my sticker. A shadow falls over me at the same time and an inked hand joins in, moving things around. It’s going to take it. I won’t have it anymore.

I need to be faster.

But they know what I’m doing and grab the edge at the same time.

They’re stronger and I try to pull it out of their hand, but the tab unpeels, bringing with it a layer of paper.

No.

My entire face falls as I follow the hand and Dima is looking at me with his brows together.

He ripped it.

My eyes slowly move back down.

It will be fine, I imagined it.

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