Page 138 of Voracious

“I didn’t know he had a daughter.”

I can’t help my laugh at his stupidity. He thinks I’m offended about no one knowing I exist when that’s better than them knowing and leaving me. Pressing my lips over his heart, I lay my head back down and try to imagine what she’s like. It can’t be Inessa, she’s only a year or two older than me, but it has to be someone in Vlad’s life, he’s weird about people and keeps them close to him.

She could be dead. Or just walking around living her life. I wonder if she has other children. They’d all be younger than me like Verena is. She’s a good baby, always nice to everyone even when she looks grumpy and scowls like she’s smelt something rotten. When Inessa gives birth, I’ll have another sibling, but I’m an adult, old enough to be their parent. Freaky as fuck.

Lips press against my crown and Dima pulls me out of my spiral.

“You have some loud thoughts, lisichka.”

I don’t have to question telling him about the weird shit in my head. He never laughs at me or makes me feel like I’m an idiot, he’s calm and supportive so I tell him, “It’s strange that I have siblings who are babies, I could have a kid the same age as them.”

His face softens and there’s a new gentleness in his eyes as he cups my cheek and tempers his voice to ask, “You want kids?”

I’ve never thought of a normal life, it’s always been the same cycle of anger. Instead of answering with a yes or a no, I give him my biggest secret.

“I didn’t think I’d be this age, so I never thought about what I wanted. I didn’t think about a job, family, education. I’m not dumb, it’s just not something that ghosts have.”

It’s not a death wish but facts pointed to me not seeing the next day. Then I’d get there and have the same repeat of shit so making plans that went too far into the future wasn’t a possibility. It was pointless to build hope for something thatwould never happen, I’d done it with watching different TV shows but I never managed to get to a point in life where it was useful and I had friends.

He kisses my temple and squeezes me with how tightly he holds me. It drags me further over his chest so I’m laid on my stomach, and he presses his lips to my forehead for so long I’m sure there’s going to be an imprint against the bone before he says, “Never dumb. You can be whoever you want, do whatever you want.”

I nod and try to find the right words that sound less immature to make things right. It’s harder when I’ve never been in this position before and unease crawls up my spine as I avoid his eyes.

“I’m not very nice to you and I’m sorry, I want to be better at it.”

All the shows I watched to learn how people are supposed to interact made a big deal about communication. They act as though it’s easy to just say things, but it’s not. It’s something that has to be learned and I want to do that only for Dima because it’s not fair on him that I keep ruining things.

He speaks calmly and massages down my back, pushing the unease away.

“You are perfect how you are. Don’t change for me, lisichka. I love the fact you’re crazy, and that you have fight, even the psychotic shit you do makes me fall deeper in love with you. Just never use it against me, let me stand by your side even though you’re strong enough to stand alone.”

He’s perfect, the perfect person who makes everything better and I lay my head under his chin as I hug his shoulders, listening to his heartbeat prove that he’s alive. My fingers absentmindedly trace a line on his chest where Yulia lied that he was open and I relax because there’s no scar.

Everyone callsme by my new name, or my actual name. Even Katya and Stasi don’t call me Ana since I told them about my real name. I walk to Vlad’s office with Dima watching every step I take. He doesn’t look away from me even when I’m next to him, but I don’t want to upset him if I end up stabbing his friend. Am I supposed to call him dad? It doesn’t sound right, and I still don’t actually like him as a person.

Vlad’s rough voice comes out, calling me in as I knock on his office door. I pause seeing him with his family, I’ve never paused before. They make a perfect picture and Verena slaps her hand on his desk, demanding me to walk forward.

“Ana! Mwah!”

I still don’t move, and he lifts her up, gently correcting the name. “Vanya, not Ana.”

She has more recognition of the name at three years old than I do at twenty-six. Inessa’s smile gets my attention, it’s warm and welcoming, succeeding in making me take one step. Lifting Verena out of Vlad’s arms, she goes to leave but stops at my side as the toddler demands her kiss. Verena smiles widely, saying my name and waving as I press a kiss to her cheek. Inessa’s voice comes out normal, ignoring the weird ass dynamic.

“Come on, wriggler, you can play with your sister later.”

I never hesitated with her before, I held her when she was a baby and I’d pull funny faces at her to make her laugh, but it’s strange now.

The door softly clicks closed behind me, but I don’t move. We don’t say anything when we’re alone and I search for any similarities. I have the same color hair and my eyes have the light blue bits that are like Vlad’s. Other than that, I don’t thinkwe look alike. Thank fuck, if I looked like the ugly freak I’d hate myself. My feet move silently until I deflate into the chair opposite him. The question has been on my mind ever since I thought of it, and it leaves at a higher volume than I intended.

“Do you know who my mom is?”

Anger takes over his features and he balls his hands into fists. Weird cunt.Valentin didn’t know he had a child until Viktor turned up so how do I know what the fuck Vlad gets up to? If he’s offended he can fuck off.

He ignores me and opens his desk drawer, placing his anger inside as he takes out a small piece of card. “I couldn’t register your birth because they’d ask questions, but you were born just outside of Moscow.”

His cryptic bullshit is annoying as fuck, and he passes me the card I can’t read. It’s not one of the languages I learnt but I can make sense of the date and time.

“I’m twenty-eight next month?” I’m asking myself, but he nods.

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