Page 34 of Vulnerate

There’s barely any force behind my fist as I knock on the door, begging with my voice cracking. “Vlad? I’m fucking up.”

It opens straight away, and my brother stands there, towering over me as I fight my emotions. I can’t even process the fact he isn’t wearing a suit and that he owns sweats as I lose the battle with my emotions and blurt out, “He hates me, and I hate me too because I can’t get him to stop.”

My lashes stick together from my tears, and he lifts Viktor out of my arms to place him on his shoulder. I’m pulled into the other side, and he consoles us both while walking out of the room. “He doesn’t hate you.”

I’m exhausted and shake my head as he forces me to move. We don’t go into the lounge on his floor, he guides us into the bathroom, and I weakly prove I’m not that much of an idiot.

“He has a clean diaper, I’ve already checked.”

Vlad nods and doesn’t have his usual brutality. “I know, wash your hands. Do it a few times and make sure they’re dry.”

I do it and scrub my hands four times before drying them on the hand towel.

“Now come here.”

I’m like a robot, following the command and I’m sure my kid isn’t growing. He’s still tiny and he’s too innocent against Vlad’s inked pinky as he pulls his bottom lip down.

He looks at me. Both of them do. Viktor still has tears in his eyes as he tries to bite Vlad’s finger.

“He’s just teething,” he says softly, “use your little finger and you’ll be able to feel his teeth pushing through his gums.”

I don’t know why I do it, but I do. Viktor bites straight away and he stops crying. My voice comes out haunted as I make sure there’s no pressure from my finger.

“It’s freaky as fuck.”

My head snaps up at my idiot brother’s choice of words as he says, “Yeah but it’s hurting him.”

“So, get it to fucking stop. I’ll buy him fake teeth, or he can get them later.”

He doesn’t even need teeth right now. It’s stupid as fuck. Vlad laughs and I can’t be pissed because the movement makes Viktor smile. He’s looking at me though and I pull a face, forcing my cheeks to puff out, as humor wraps around Vlad’s words.

“It doesn’t work like that. He’s going through pain now and you’ll remember it, but he won’t.”

Viktor’s dark lashes flutter and I stroke the top of his hair with my finger. His hair is darker than mine, it’s softer too like feathers.

I’m a fuck up, but I have the cutest kid.

A rough hand lands on my shoulder and I look up to see gentleness on my brothers features as he softly says, “Welcome to being a father, every little pain is something you’ll feel but then your baby will smile at you and it disappears.” His voice drops to a whisper as he stares at my son. “Don’t take it for granted.”

He gestures for us to leave the bathroom and I don’t move my finger as I slowly walk backwards. I keep walking backwards until we get to the lounge, and I don’t take Viktor from Vlad. I’m tired yet I can’t sleep as I watch him. There’s a voice in the back of my head telling me to run, it hasn’t left since we brought him home but Vlad sits beside me and positions Viktor so I can see his face.

I revert into a child, complaining to my brother about everything as I continue watching my kid.

“I’m shit at this, and I can’t sleep because I don’t know if he’ll be okay. Like what if he needs something and I’m not there?” My breathing escalates and I can’t stop it. “Or what if he cries and I don’t wake up. I’m tired and I can’t put him down because it’s just me. It’s never just me for anything, I fuck things up and I hurt people. He can’t sleep in my bed because I’ll probably squash him. He’s so small and everything is bigger than him, anything can hurt him.”

He holds the back of my head and sighs, putting a pause on my breakdown. “You’re not a fuck up and you don’t hurt everyone.”

That’s bullshit, we both know it is, so I ask a different question, hoping it’s easier forhim to tell the truth.

“Did it get easier for you?”

There’s no answer and he freezes before audibly gulping. I look up to blankness and add, “When you were looking after me and Tali, did it get easier when we could talk? You’re not afraid of anything so two kids was probably a piece of piss for you.”

He smiles but it’s off and his eyes are desolate.

“Yeah, two kid were easy. The talking thing wasn’t because you started having your tantrums and you’ve never stopped.”

Even the comment is odd, it’s missing his usual mix of sarcastic rage.

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