Page 30 of Vulnerate

A warm hand lands on my back, stroking against my lungs and pulling in air. Turning my head, Vlad stands beside me and calmly says, “Don’t think about anything, I’ll deal with it.”

My bottom lip wobbles as I nod with my eyes burning. I’m a kid again, he’s found me trying to hide and telling me it’s okay.He continues stroking a path up and down my back reminding my lungs how to work as he stands there. He just stands there and strokes my back waiting until I can breathe with his inked fingers wrapped around the plastic handle of a baby seat.

As soon as I take a deep shaky breath and straighten, he moves his hand to set the baby down. I can see him as Vlad drops to his haunches and removes the umbrella part of the car seat back. He’s a cute baby, his face is all scrunched up and he’s tiny. He looks even smaller when Vlad picks him up and his body is floppy. Dima moves around his husband and takes the car seat away. There’s a box in the corner of the room with a new one to replace it but the baby is too small, the world is huge and it will squash it. Dima gestures to the items in the room and lowers his voice. “Consider it your birthday present.”

He’s done it. I shouldn’t be surprised but some of the tension leaves my chest knowing that they’re both going to be dads again to help me.

Vlad is holding the baby against his chest and it’s not floppy anymore. But I stare at it because it’s freaky as fuck, like a realistic doll. There’s no noise so I can convince myself that it’s just that. Lowering his voice, he nods towards the armchair, all his earlier anger gone.

“Sit down, I’ll show you how to hold him.”

I don’t want to make a noise and wake the baby so I move slowly as though that will do anything. He waits until I’ve lowered into the seat to stand beside me, and I’m forced to be an adult.

“Cross your arms so your forearms are flat, hands facing up.”

I nod and look up trying to copy how he’s holding the baby but he’s holding it one arm as he positions my arms where they need to be.

He sounds like a teacher making it even weirder.

“Keep his head supported, with your hand or your arm.”

I thought I had at least another twenty years before I even thought about having kids, yet my brother gently places the baby in my arms and there’s a weird feeling in my chest. It’s a more intense version of what I felt with Dani next to me. This need to protect the person and give them everything they need even if I don’t know what it is.

Vlad’s voice gets even weirder and sounds like there’s emotion in it as he strokes my hair back. “Don’t take it for granted.” I look up and he blinks turning back into a prick. “And stop throwing tantrums, you’re a father now.”

Rolling my eyes, I shoot him my middle finger without moving my arms. Tali comes in holding two bags of his snacks like a toddler. I mentally apologize to my son for the dysfunctional family he’s been borninto it, and it mixes with gratitude when they don’t leave me.The words are strange in my mind. A son. I have a son.

The gratitude increases tenfold when he cries. It’s high pitched and loud. Vlad is already making up a bottle and he tests the temperature against his wrist. Passing it to me when he’s finished with his checks, I just stare. I have no clue what I’m doing. Do I just shove it in its mouth and hope for the best? Or do I open the lid thing and pour little sips?Seeing that I’m lost, he takes them both from me and manages to make it look easy as he stops the crying.

“He’s like you when you were a baby, let’s hope he’s not as grumpy.”

Tali murmurs his agreement – I’m not fucking grumpy. He sits his fat ass down without pausing his eating and leans against the wall asking around mouthfuls. “What’s his name?”

Two sets of eyes land on me waiting for an answer.I’ve only just found out it exists, so how the fuck do I know.

“Valentin?” I offer my own name uselessly.

Both of them shake their head and Tali decides to be a clown.

“So VJ? Why don’t you just shorten it even more and call him a pussy straight away?”

Vlad comes to my defense as Dima joins our weird welcome to the family party with Katya sleepily clinging to his side. They don’t live here anymore so they usually go home once he’s done his guard duty, but she wakes up fully when she sees the baby, my kid.

She looks up at Vlad and asks, “Is it yours?”

To anyone else he’s still being harsh, but I know my brother, and this is his version of being nice as he scoffs, “Whose floor are we on Katya?”

She looks at me, her jaw drops, and I know she’s going to give me shit once our replacement parents aren’t around. She’s nice enough to wait and steals Dima’s keys from his pocket before she kisses his cheek and turns to leave.

“You can stay with your husband and get to know your grandchild. I’ll meet my nephew in the morning when I’m rested.”

Dima asks me the same question Tali did. “What’s his name?”

Tali answers with a suggestion. “Viktor?”

Repeating it in my head, I nod. He could have said banana and I’d probably agree right now. Is this how everyone feels? You just get handed a kid and then nothing makes sense. There’s tests for literallyeverything on the fucking planet but they let humans just walk around with mini humans and don’t do any checks. Carly was fucked, there’s no way she knew any more than I do. At least I’m sober and have both of my parents with me, they’ll know how to wipe his ass and feed him.

Dima strokes the top of the baby’s head and lifts the small hat to uncover his hair. That’s all I can see, there’s so much of it and Vlad stares at me. I know my brother, the person feeding a tiny human and speaking softly is someone else though.

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