Page 17 of Vulnerate

It’s been a week and everyone’s pity is finally fading. Carly is busy trying to keep our money,hermoney anyway. Mine’s protected with me being a minor and underwritten in so many trusts I’ll need to provide a urine sample to see a cent. I don’t reply to Tali and mute all my notifications, content in disappearing from the world. Val hasn’t come back to the house since I refused to acknowledge he existed.

I want to be alone in my anger, sit with it, and have it keep me company. Not have people who will attempt to make me feel better with their bullshit care because of some misguided reason. Or pity. That’s the worst emotion. It’s disgusting and enrages the bitterness inside of me. I just want to be alone. That’s a lie, I don’t want to be alone. I just can’t face them and admit the truth to the two people who mean the most to me in the world. Maybe they’ll see what my parents did and decide I’m worthless too.

Carly has spent her life partying, she was always happy, and now that she’s stopped she’s in a depressive episode. Taking a leaf out of her book,I leave my pit and quickly throw on a pair of jeans and a t-shirt. Someone will be having a party and Tali’s fighting tonight, so I won’t have to deal with him as long as I leave before he turns up for his post-fight ritual of gloating with everyone and trying to hook up with someone.

I pause in the middle of my dark room and check where the other people my age are. Just my shitty luck that the party is at Zoe’s house. Fuck it, no one has the capability to hurt me unless I allow them to. That’s how my parents managed it; because I cared about them.

The house is silent except for random intermittent sniffles as Carly lays in her room. The whispering can’t be heard until I pass her door and it’s too low for me to make out what she’s saying. Or I don’t care. It’s most likely the latter and I don’t mute my steps as I leave.

I’ve got dressed and used my energy, so I may as well reap the rewards of it and drive to Zoe’s house. Act like you belong and no one can kick you out, that’s what Tali always says. Repeating it to myself the entire drive, I half believe it when I reach her house. It’s dark and I’m not noticed as I walk in with my shoulders straight. The music is loud mixing with drunk laughter and conversation while I look for something that could keep me entertained. The lights are low, so I don’t spot the glass bottles in disarray at first.

The stupid bitch is in front of me while I try to make a straight line to the drinks. Being drunk will help my mood. But she throws her hair over her shoulder and turns, nearly whipping me in the face with it as I mix anything I can find together.

“Who invited you, little orphan Dani?”

Her grating voice is right in my ear as I choke down the concoction. Holding my middle finger up to her face in answer, I sip my drink ignoring herandthe burn as I swallow. It tastes like acid but if this is a magic fix I’ll take it so I don’t have to sit with my thoughts.I make the mistake of looking into the plastic cup to see the dirty color I’ve created. It reminds me of cleaning my brushes, and all the muted pastels becoming a muddy brown.

Zoe’s minion tries to get her to stop. “Just leave it, she’s not bothering anyone.”

I can’t remember her name and I look to the side trying to work out who she is. I think she’s called Chelsea. Yeah, she is, and her having a heart shows how pathetic I am right now. She’s younger than me andthe make up on her face doesn’t hide the bruise that’s forming from her fight with Francesca Alessi. All the anger inside of me needs an outlet and I turn it on Chelsea despite her help.

“Did it hurt when you got punched in the face?” I ask.

She went down with one blow, she didn’t even have time to cover her face before her opponent was on top of her.I answer my own question as I tip the plastic cup up to catch every last drop. “She kicks your ass all the time, so you must be used to it now.” I shrug and reach for another bottle. It’s blue like Val’s eyes.

She pushes forward at the insult and an unfamiliar arm wraps around my shoulders. The guy speaking beside me is one of Val’s friends, I recognize his jade eyes as he gives them a warning.

“She’s Valentin’s girl, watch it.”

I’m not Valentin’s fucking girl. I’m me, and I don’t need anyone to protect me when I want her to hit me. Maybe I’ll take a beating but the anger inside of me tells me I’ll win. Refilling my cup, I get away from the stupid asshole. I’ve seen him with Valentin a few times but I don’t know his name.I don’t even want to know it. I want to get every bit of resentment out of me and then go back to my boring, lonely life.

Every rich person lives the same. The decor, useless ornaments no one could give a shit about, and parents who don’t give a fuck about their kids. It’s the one thing we all have in common, and I hate the fact these people are all benefiting from it while I expected more. All the years I spent hiding in Tali’s bed when I could have been doing whatever I wanted. No one was there to give a fuck. But I stupidly thought being good meant something, having dreams, and interests weren’t ever going to benefit me.The awards didn’t bring my parents’ home, neither did my commissions, none of it meant enough for them be there or to stay.

There should be a word lower than worthless, something to describe a person whose own parents decided to kill themselves on their child’s birthday over a number held in a bank account. Normal people think you can’t put a price on your child, I know what figure my parents had in their mind. Minus $5.3 million, that was their breaking point. At minus $5.2 million they could stay alive but not in my life, minus $4.5 million the calls got less and less. But at minus $1.2 million they still came home, so I know how much I’m worth. The exact figure of minus $1.2 million meant I still had them.

Zoe’s glare intensifies as I fill the cup to the brim, and she opens her mouth to call me an orphan again, but I turn, giving her my back. I’m like a child taking small sips as I pass the other people to find an empty room behind the kitchen. I’m invisible, a superpower that I’ve always hated. I swipe a bottle from the counter and make myself comfortable.

I’ve never been drunk before. I thought everything would disappear but it’s still there. Some parts are magnified. Not all of it has gone away, but my body just can’t be bothered to react to it. Tali would laugh and call me a lightweight while Val would get angry and swap my drink for water. I miss them, there’s never been a time since knowing them that I’ve ignored them.

Their messages are at the top of my notifications as I check my phone, so I don’t look as much of a loner as I am. Both of them sat together on the screen asking the same questions.

Are you okay

Call me

Come over

Do you need anything

Remember to eat

I’m here

Don’t disappear

Open the door

Over and over again. The same things. But I smile because not once has there been a bullshit apology. There’s no “I’m sorry for your loss.” All of their messages are filled with questions about me, asking howIam, whatIneed. Not trying to make themselves feel better.And more importantly, no pity. I should have known they wouldn’t when they have their own version of dysfunction, but something inside of me settles that they’re still there.

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