Page 15 of Vulnerate

He’s done better than I expected, and the final showcase isn’t one I’m interested in. He doesn’t take his hand away, it’s nice and warm soaking through my clothes and into my skin, as we walk towards the exit. I don’t know what his issue is, but it doesn’t leave, and he curls his arm around my hip as we step onto the sidewalk. I’m glad he’s forcing me to walk because my brain has shut down yet again and I look down through the corner of my eyes seeing the edges of his fingers wrapped around my hip. It’s not loose, or so hard that it’s painful.

Val sticks himself to my side and walks me towards the side of the building rather than the car. His hand slips off my hip and he smoothly threads his finger between mine before he pulls me to stand in front of him. His hand is hot in mine, actual heat that is melting my hand as he cups my face and shields me from being seen by anyone else.The hard edges are darker as he stares into my soul and tempers his voice.

“Is that what I am to you?”

His question doesn’t make sense, or I’ve officially become a puddle because his thumb is gently stroking my cheek. He doesn’t stop the soothing motion as he moves down to my lips and his eyes follow it.

“Am I just a replacement for Tali?”

He flicks back up to me and there’s a brief flash of vulnerability weighing down his eyes until he blinks it away and wraps his arm around my back. My fingers are still held between his and they move with him as my other arm hangs limply at my side.

I try to clear my throat of any croak, but my voice is awful and weak.

“No.”

Oh fuck, I think my hand is sweating. He can probably feel how nasty it is, but he smiles and takes half a step closer forcing me to walk backwards. Looking between my eyes, he transfers the nerves to me, and my heart is beating too fast. It’s like the rollercoaster, fear of falling and hope for the thrill to take over as he continues walking me backwards.

A soft gasp leaves my lips as my shoulders touch something hard. He smooths his hand around my cheek to hold the back of my head and leans into me. Our noses are nearly touching, and I flatten my palm against the brick to remain on this planet as he whispers against my lips, “Good.”

I nod, or I think I do, all I know is that it’s dizzying being under his gaze. It gets worse as his smile widens and his nose brushes mine, showing how slowly he’s inching forward as he demands, “Ask me who you are to me, Dani.”

His voice is deeper, causing goosebumps to rise on my skin as I squeeze his hand. I’m cutting off both of our blood circulation and I don’t breathe as I repeat, “Who am I to you?”

I can’t even hear my own voice over how loudly my heart is beating. But Val hears, and he takes a deep breath, forcing our chests to brush against each other. His lips slowly part as he moves closer.

“Ev—”

My phone rings with Carly’s ringtone and dread takes over, cutting off whatever was going to be said. She never rings me, at most I’ll get a message, or a random note left near the door. My heart drops at the silence in the background as I answer on the first ring. It plummets further at her serious tone.

“You need to come home.”

My hand trembles holding my phone to my ear, and I can’t move it when the call ends. I’m nodding like she can see me and there’s only silence wrapping around me.

My sister is always accompanied by noise. Whether it’s a party or her friends, she does not sit in silence, and she doesn’t know how to be serious. Everything blurs and I blink, trying to see clearly as Valentin strokes my cheek. He already knows without me saying a word and pulls me into his chest speaking so softly I’m not sure how it manages to reach my clouded senses.

“Let’s get you home.”

My tears fall as I nod because I’m not capable of doing anything else.

I’m mourning someone I didn’t know. Or the opportunity to never be able to. I can’t even be angry at being ignored because it wasn’t my mother, she never had the chance to be who she really was with me. She was always sick, and it didn’t just take her away from the world, it robbedme of any parents while they were both still alive.She’s dead, and a really horrible, twisted part of me fills with hope at the thought of at least having one parent now that my dad will be able to come home.

I’m going to hell.

My tears change their reason with that thought. I’m fucked up, it should never have been thought, never mind inspire hope. It shakes my chest and the world tilts as I become weightless.

Val picks me up and cradles me to his chest as I continue crying over someone I didn’t know. I think this is grieving, I shouldn’t be. I didn’t really know my mom. I haven’t seen her in three years, the only memories I have exist in photographs where I’m not present.But a blackhole forms in my chest and everything external is a void. I’m not reliving memories; I’m playing out different scenarios I thought we’d have in the future.

There’s no sound as everything drowns. It’s not a physical drowning, but my senses are weighted and murky as Val sits me in the car. His lips are moving, and I stare through him. I’m reacting wrong, I should feel something. The tears aren’t even fueled by emotion, they just run down my cheeks with no purpose or reasoning.

I don’t remember him starting the car or driving as we pull up to my house. Carly is already waiting and I sob seeing her tears. We’re not close but I know it’s real — that we’re orphans — and I run to her for the first time in my life. The fact she hit me and screamed in my face is written out of my memory because she is the only person who might possibly know how I feel right now. She becomes a different person and wraps her arms around me before she guides me inside.

Everything is duller, less life, despite our parents never being home. I blink and manage to clear my vision long enough to see the TV is smashed. The paperweight that was on the coffee table is shattered on the floor showing what she used, yet she’s gentle as she sits beside me on the sofa, refusing to let me go.

The fact she isn’t ignoring me or being a bitch is making me sob harder and my throat burns. It robs me of energy as she strokes my hair back and just holds me. Her grief is muted when she has more claim of our mother than I do. I didn’t have her, I’m accustomed to being alone, but my sister did. She had years of happy memories, now she’s consolingme. She rests her cheek on my hair and crushes my entire world as shesoftly says, “I’m going to fly out tonight to identify their bodies, but you don’t have to come with me.”

Bodies.

Plural.

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