Page 94 of Viparious

Valyusha.Tap.Vitya.Tap.Vanya.Tap.

Vanya will get better. She’ll laugh without coughing, I might die.

Valyusha.Tap.Vitya.Tap.Vanya.Tap.

Vanya’s hand moves, the blanket that she loves is still in her fist as she stretches. I quickly push forward, ignoring the way my body hurts. I nearly trip and have to catch myself with the edge of her crib. The metal is cold, but her cheeks are warm and she’s awake. She smiles up at me and her cheeks aren’t as red anymore. I can’t feel my ribs burning, or the bruise forming against my stomach with that smile on me. I stroke down the slope of her nose, watching her smile get wider. She always chases my finger, and I lean over her to kiss her forehead. “Did you miss papa?” She lets out a little wheezy giggle and I pick her up.

I kiss each of her cheeks while she tries to eat her hands and ask, “Are you excited for your first birthday, solnyshkuh?”

She nods and continues eating her fingers.

“Papa got you a present and the cookies you like. We won’t tell Vitya, or he’ll steal them, okay?”

She doesn’t stop smiling and I stroke her back, kissing her head. Her spit is running down her fist and she punches me in the cheek as she throws herself forward and starts wheezing again.

“Shh, it’s okay. Papa will get you medicine and you’ll get better. I promise.”

I rub circles on her back and keep kissing her head as I walk in circles.

The wheezing stops, and she giggles as I hum bayu bayushki against her cheek.

“Solnyshkuh, are you feeling better?”

Her skin is soft, and she still smells like a baby, innocent and clean. I give her my promise on a whisper and hug her.

“You’ll always smell like that. I won’t let anyone near you, ever.”

The cough starts again, and I can feel it against my hand, her little lungs are rattling. My own lungs hurt at the sound of it, and I go back to the door to make sure no one comes near it.

“It’s okay. Papa will fix it tomorrow.”

Sitting in front of the door so I can feel any footsteps, I keep rubbing her back.

I’ve looked after the other two, they’ve gotten better every time they’ve been sick. Vanya will too. She’s little, but strong.

“You’re strong, aren’t you, Vanya? It’s why you always smile at me.”

Her entire body shakes from the force of her cough and her cry is right in my ear. It’s loud and filled with pain, making my throat burn. The pain is the worst, and it makes me panic.

“I’m sorry, I’ll get you medicine, it’s okay.”

I’d rip out my lungs if it would make her better and so that she never cries again. But she doesn’t stop. She’s been crying for too long, weeks, and her face is all red.

The front door slams closed, Len and Anika leaving because they’re annoyed by the sound. It’s always like this, why won’t they fucking help me? I pay for everything and she’s mine. Rubbing circles on her back, the crying wakes Vitya up and he joins in, staring at Vanya with tears in his eyes.His lip wobbles and he stretches his arms out, reaching for me with a question.

“Vanya?”

I nod and try to smile as I sit up on my knees and keep rubbing her back.

“She’s okay, it just hurts her.”

He nods as he opens and closes his hands with his tears falling.

I try to calm them both down and rock her on my shoulder. Walking forward on my knees, I reassure us all. “She’ll be okay, won’t you, Vanoushka?”

It doesn’t help and his lip wobbles as he gets ready to cry with her. He always does it, and he usually falls asleep with his hand on her shoulder when they share the same crib. I keep Vanya on one shoulder and scoop up Vitya with my other arm. He stretches his hand out, softly rubbing her back as he cries with her.

“Vanya?”

---