Page 80 of Viparious

She leans into me and lightly swats my shoulder. I’ve never been more at ease than with that small amount of contact as she hisses, “I’m not sleeping with you.”

The whisper is right in my ear.

Turning to kiss her forehead, her lashes flutter closed, and my offer doesn’t change.

“You don’t have to, there are other ways to get what you want.”

There’s no outright refusal and I mark it as a win.I’ll jack off in a room full of other people’s cum ghosts if it means I have an extra tie to her. If she entertains the idea, that means there’s some fucking hope. I’d take that childish friendship she offered at the beginning over not existing.

But she doesn’t and leans into me, giving me her fears as though she doesn’t hate me.

“I don’t think I ever will. Sometimes, I dream about what happened and watch my body go up in flames. Then everything that happened in the hospital,” she shakes her head, “it’s not an experience I ever want to be repeated.”

My entire body tenses and she doesn’t notice how hard I’m fighting to keep a leash on the violence inside of me. She continues around a sigh, “I love her more than anything, but I hate how she came into this world. I didn’t get to hold her first, or hear her first cry, or have that joy. It’s all muddied.”

I speak softly as I watch Verena slow her drinking.

“You can have it again, experience it all for the first time the right way.”

Setting the bottle down when she stops suckling, I rest her jaw between my thumb and forefinger and make circles on her back as I wait for my queen to say something. Anything.

I don’t expect it to be full of sadness.

“No, it would be too lonely. You’re going to make someone very happy one day, and I know I’ll hate it.” Looking up in confusion, tears darken her eyes and Inessa sniffles, not letting them fall. “I’ll hate it, but I’ll be happy for you, Vlad. You deserve happiness too.”

I lift my arm, and she ducks under then buries her face in my neck where it belongs. There will never be another person, there wasn’t anyone before her and if I could keep every part of my life separate, there wouldn’t be an after her.

I’m sat with my wife on one side, my daughter on the other, and I don’t dare fucking breathe in case I disturb either one. There’s no argument or hurt in her voice as she lays her head on my shoulder and admires what we made.

“You’re good with her, I’ve seen you when you think I’m asleep.”

I’ve stared at death and laughed but sweat beads down my spine at getting caught.It always does whenever I see the beautiful, grumpy face. Unless Verena is in my arms, I can’t breathe or control my heart rate. It’s worse if she’s out of sight from any of the cameras I’ve set up around the house. Namely when Valentin steals her, and I haven’t been able to set the cameras up on his floor yet.

Every night I’ve waited, watched the cameras, and counted their breaths until I’m certain I won’t wake them up. Stroking down her back, I try to deflect, but my voice is too low, making it more emotional.

“I should be, considering I’ve done this three times before.”

Her brows slowly come together and then relax at whatever thought she’s had. It’s slow and her smile gives me life.

“You raised them all, didn’t you?” The curve slowly increases as she says, “That’s how Val knew all the little tricks, because you’d done them as a child.”

Unease snakes up my spine and she leans forward, pressing her soft lips to my cheek. Giving me a reprieve, she doesn’t move away from me and rests her hand on top of mine as I position the littlest queen against my chest. Her joke is filled with history despite being unaware of it.

“Did you sleep on the floor then too?”

She’s not expecting an answer, but I nod my head as the memories leave my lips on a whisper, “I didn’t want anyone coming in their room while they were sleeping.”

Sleeping while I’m sitting up is my secret talent after the years of blocking the door. The little shits would only crawl under my bed if I didn’t put them in it. Inessa just blinks at me and each time her eyelids open again, the red hue increases. She speaks against my skin with quiet conviction.

“Your outsides match your insides, lapachka.”

She threads her arm around my neck and turns her head to face the wall. This woman has snotted on me every time she’s cried, literally wiped her nose on my neck just to be a brat. Hidden in me. Right now, she’s hidingfromme. She’s used my fucking words against me, twisted them to have a different meaning, and now she won’t even look at me.

I bounce my knee to get her attention, but she holds me tighter, silently refusing.I remove any harshness from my voice, so I don’t wake Verena, and repeat the movement as I kiss her crown to dull my timbre.

“Look at me, moya koroleva.”

Inessa cups my cheek and strokes her fingers through the hair above my ear as she slowly rolls her neck to look at me. She’s going to gut me. The look in her eyes as she flicks between mine is the warning and she leans into me, filling my vision with heartbreak.

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