Page 54 of Viparious

My body allows me a reprieve and I straighten as the stench of my stomach acid burns my nose. There are no guards, they haven’t left their posts from the gates at the front of the house, and I’m not weak. Rinsing down the steps so there’s no evidence and nothing for Inessa to clean up, I keep tapping on my thigh. It usually helps quieten my mind, but every memory assaults me.I’m not fully in my body but I’m not out of it like when I’m fighting. It’s an in-between state like I’m living. The thought of death isn’t a comfort anymore, it will always be my goal, but I can’t reconcile it with wanting life. For the first fucking time, I want life.

Guilt swarms me, weighing down my bones and turning my feet to lead. I can’t break my promise. Not again, not after it was my fault. I should never have fucking crawled out of that grave. I should have stayed there with Vanya on my chest. My steps are hurried as I finish removing the proof of my weakness and then get in the car. I manage to maintain enough sense to leave quietly so I don’t disturb Inessa more than I have before I go to the only place that will calm me, I do what I promised I wouldn’t and leave. I can’t fucking focus and use the only person who knows me without being able to be in my life. Getting to the airfield, there’s no fucking facade as I eagerly take the steps. My knee bounces the entire flight.I don’t acknowledge time or distance, I have one singular goal as I go to the only person who knows me, my sins and failings, my weaknesses, and hope she can calm me like she always has as I go to the graveyard.

People grab their children’s hands seeing me step out of the car and then it all disappears. I don’t know if they’ve gone indoors or if I’ve erased them from my vision, but I don’t give a fuck. I just need Vanya to make me feel like I’m doing the right thing, like I’m not the monster anymore.She never looked at me like I was dirty even though she had to know. She would always press her hands to the bruises and make a small O with her lips.

The holes that have been covered up fill me with anger and her headstone is too shiny, having been replaced as I round the tree. The spot that my lips always touched had dulled over the years, now it’s new again. Leaning down, I try to get it back to its previous state and speak against the stone.

“I’m sorry, solnyshkuh.”

My eyes burn and it feels like it’s happening all over again as I sit on the bench.All the thoughts I laid below this very earth arguing to stay with her are there, but there are more people who require protection now. It’s not just from Len and Anika either. It’s from everyone.

My voice is barely a whisper, but Vanya has every secret, and rationally, I know she can’t respond.

“Inessa is pregnant. There’s going to be another baby.”

I feel lighter, like saying the words aloud has cleared something off my shoulders, and I ask for what I don’t have a right to.

“Will you watch over them for me, solnyshkuh? I can’t be near them, but they have to stay safe.”

Closing my eyes, I can see Vanya’s wide smile and her eyes sparkling, agreeing with me and my lungs rattle when I try to breathe.

I slip off the bench and sit in the muddy grass as I hold her headstone. The sharp edge digs into my palm, and I rest my temple against the smooth stone front, which still doesn’t have a name.

“I can’t bury someone else. I miss you, and I miss them, but they’ll have each other, and I’ll be able to stay with you. I wish you never left me.”

The image isn’t clear enough for me to make out the little swirls in her eyes that I know were there. I close my eyes, trying to focus to reveal them.

It’s rare that I can fully recall her face. It’s always little snippets without any photographs to refresh my memory. But her giggles have never left, they are implanted in my mind, and I can hear them chasing me in my dreams. My beautiful Vanya who would never stop laughing and smiling, even when she was sick.

“I shouldn’t have left you alone. I’m sorry, solnyshkuh. I know I promised that I would never ask you to do anything for me, but I need them to be safe too. Watch over them okay, please.”

I’d give my life for one more day, not even twenty-four hours. Just a moment where I could hold her again and feel her warm. Watch her chest move to show she’s alive and not hear that horrible crackling as she fought for her breath.

My joints ache as I blink again, and I’m surrounded by darkness. Exhaustion has caught up with me and I scrub a hand down my face, pushing all sleep away. With the time difference and flight, I’ve already missed Inessa’s appointment and just sit there staring into the dark.Grigory must have come out as there are blankets covering me and a pillow between my head and the cold stone.

Staying in place, I rearrange the trusts and start the paperwork for 50% of everything legal to be transferred to Inessa. It’s not part of the agreement and she has enough money as the heiress, but I’ll make sure she’s looked after financially. It’s the easiest part, what she needs will ruin us both.Dima’s message sits at the top, showing he has the cunt, Simon, in the warehouse and Vitali’s message pops up showing a video. The preview screen is the ultrasound, and I can’t swipe it away quick enough.

His next message doesn’t help as he and Valentin send the same thing, not allowing me to escape.

Vitali:

We went to scan. Inessa was happy and the baby was moving a lot.

Congratulations, you’re going to have a little girl.

She was burping so ignore Val if he calls her a dolphin. Inessa was going to stab him for saying it.

Valentin:

I thought you might want to know you’re going to have a daughter. She’s healthy. But she’s on the smaller side.

Ring your wife whenever you finish whatever is more important.

I keep my fears back as I tell Vanya the news.

“Valyusha’s already in the middle of a tantrum. You know how he likes to whinge about everything. But they don’t remember anything.” The cold air invades my lungs, but I’m frozen for a different reason as my hope comes out. “I wish they remembered you. Then you’d be real for someone other than me. They loved you, solnyshkuh, but they don’t remember.”

Kissing her headstone, I rest my forehead against the edge and my voice is too soft, turning into who I was.

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