Page 41 of Viparious

“You always did think with your cunt. Now, answer me.”

The screams get louder, blocking everything else out as I flick the lighter and slowly move it between her legs.

It does the job and motivates her as she continues to sob uncontrollably.

“I don’t know. They broke in.”

Lie.

So, I light a literal fire under her ass and take the long matchstick from the mantel. The embers are slow as I swipe it against the wall and blindly drop it between her legs. The glow starts slowly as the candle burns and I wait for the truth. The wax drips against the tabletop as she begs for mercy.

“Please! I don’t know.”

She might be more inclined to tell the truth with blood, so I twist the knife in the other direction as she splutters and struggles to breathe. Gurgling echoes around the room as her lung fills with blood and the sound is fucking annoying.

Grabbing her jaw, I hold her head still and remove my knife from its new holder. She attempts to escape as I bring the dirtied edge to her lips and position the blade between her teeth. I hold her jaw shut with half of the blade out of her mouth and crank the knife like a lever to make a long slit to the corner of her lips at each side. The blood runs over my fingers, the viscous liquid sticking to my skin as she screams. The garbled noises only cause her flesh to part and passes out, again. Weak cunt.

I don’t waste time,knowing she’s fucking useless and there will be someone who knows what happened that I could beat it out of. Her parted cheeks split further as I push the other candle into her mouth. Her teeth grate the hard wax, making it flake and I press my full weight into it before lighting it. I’m nothing if not fair, so I leave the third by the leg of the table that has her right wrist tied to it and light it with the rope’s frayed edge flirting with the flame. If she wakes up, she can save herself. If not, I’ll watch her burn.

I leave the shithole without turning back to look at where everything was ruined. I have one destination in mind like I did that night, the night Vanya was taken from me. Just like that night, I’m covered in blood, but my heart stops racing as soon I walk back into the graveyard. It all stills when I reach her, and I don’t sit on the bench. I lay beside her and wrap my arm around the part of headstone that’s still here. The sky is near black as I remain on my back, wishing I could feel her slap me like she used to. I might not remember her face or the exact hue of her eyes because they had all been replaced by the blue of her skin, but no one can take the facts away. I can live with her in the memories of what happened rather than the memory of how she looked, smelt, or sounded.

Soft footsteps move over the grass, and Grigory says. “You deserve peace, my boy. How many more years will you continue to be at war with yourself?”

I answer honestly, with disallowed emotion.

“Until I’m back with her.” Closing my eyes, I ask, “Is the shovel still in the same place?”

I open them and raise to my full height as he nods before walking away. The anger comes back as I leave my solnyshkuh to retrieve the tool to right the wrong of her being disturbed. But it cools when I’m back with her, and I replace all the earth that has been disturbed. It’s eerily similar to the night I buried her. Only I’m not kissing her or hugging her, I’m silent.

No one should be buried twice, it’s unnatural.

Once I’m done, I drop the shovel and go back to my spot to lay beside her. The grass is wet, soaking through my t-shirt into my skin as my voice lowers and I huddle closer to her.

“I wish I never left you alone. I wish you were real to someone other than me. Sometimes, I think I made you up. Others, I think I’m in a nightmare because this can’t be my life. You were never supposed to die before me.”

The air cools against my heated skin as the cold wet earth penetrates my bones.

“I still miss you. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to stop. I still have your birthday present. It’s wrapped and hidden in the safe because I can never destroy it.”

I just want a reply, just once.

“You would have loved the silk edge. That’s what the material was, silk. I never knew the name for it before, and I had to walk through the racks and test it between my fingers to make sure it was the right one.”

But I give her my secrets because she is the only person I trust.

“I nearly told Inessa about you, just so you were real to someone else. But I didn’t, not because I’m ashamed of you, I’m ashamed of myself and knowing how badly I failed.”

My voice lowers to below a whisper and I don’t blink as I continue watching the dark clouds move overhead.

“Would you even recognize me anymore? Now that I’ve become this? Would you still smile at me? Or would you be ashamed too?”

My voice cracks and I hug the base of her headstone tighter.

“You were always so happy, so beautiful, and good. The only good thing in my life. I used to lay like this on the floor, you’d be on my chest, and I could feel you breathing with my hand on your back.”

My blinking slows and there’s comfort in the hard ground at my back as I whisper my secrets.

“I miss you, and I’ll never stop missing you. Even if you hate me now, if you hate who I am, I’d take you screaming in my face to see you again. I’ve broken all my promises to you, Vanya, every single one that I gave you while you were alive, but I won’t break the one I gave you in death. I won’t let you be here alone. I won’t let them rip you from me and not pay. If hell is real and that’s where I end up, then so be it. As long as I can see you once, I’ll accept it. I hope it is because then heaven is real. That’s where you’ll be and I won’t see you, but…”

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