Page 102 of Viparious

I’m staring up at the ceiling to stop from breaking down as I stroke Vlad’s hair. His head is still in my lap, recounting burying his daughter. A daughter he had at the age of fucking twelve because adults took advantage of him. He hasn’t mentioned who the mother was, and I’m afraid to ask.I can’t even draw in air as I feel a part of my soul die. He sounds younger, hauntingly innocent, and I bite my top lip to stop the sob from leaving me.

If I feel like this, how does he manage to stand every day? How does he find the energy to breathe?

He doesn’t blink as he stares at a spot on the wall. His eyes are blank, the same blankness that I’ve witnessed at Steorra when perverse adults kill a child’s soul, and he continues going further back in history with no emotion.

“Len found out Anika only ever allowed men in the house. He tried to tattoo a deck of cards on my back.”

He’s already told me before, and I tilt my head back to get my tears to roll back. I thought that was the worst thing his father did, now I know who Vanya is, it makes me selfishly thankful that Verena is alive. He had already murdered his other granddaughter.

“But then he laughed when I said I’m not gay and told me there’s proof I am, so I need to prove I’m not. Valyusha was a baby and he kept staring at me like he knew what was happening.”

Hugging his head as though I can protect him, he doesn’t acknowledge anything around him.He’s lost to his horrific memories, and I don’t know how he’s still alive. His smile touches my skin, but I know what it means, he hurt someone. My stomach drops at the information as he marks a line from his brow to his cheek with the back of his knuckle.

“She always used to stroke my cheek, after. So, I cut that same mark in hers.”

I helped that fucking sick cunt, Galya. I felt sorry for her, and I was horrified at Vlad’s violence when he was restraining himself.

Holding him tighter in apology, he blinks and lets out a long breath before coming back to the present.

“I didn’t leave you. Someone destroyed her grave, there were holes everywhere and I know she’s not there, but I just had to go.”

I nod because I can’t imagine the pain of not only losing your child but having their resting place desecrated on top of everything else.He takes a deep breath and holds it, making his voice lower, further away at the back of his throat.

“I can’t choose.”

It cracks as a tear slips from the corner of his eyes, racing over the bridge of his nose and landing on my knee.

That single tear burns through my skin and into my bone, creating a well for his pain as more leave him. They drip slowly, like a leaky faucet only allowing one at a time out in random intervals as they breach his control.

“I can’t choose, and I have to. I have two daughters.” His lips slowly lift but it doesn’t turn into a smile as they immediately drag down at his next words. “I have to choose between them. I promised Vanya I’d go back to her, but I can’t choose, meelaya.”

My voice shakes as my chest stutters, attempting to draw in a breath.

“You don’t have to. They’re both yours.”

He shakes his head like I’m misunderstanding him as I stroke my fingers through his hair for my own comfort. The low, haunted voice leaves around the saddest, pain-filled smile in existence.

“I do. Because I miss them both. I killed her, over twenty-five years of guilt, and it’s taken her away from me again.” He closes his eyes, attempting to recall the image, he says, “I can’t remember her face, or the exact quality of her laugh, but I know she was beautiful, and I know that sound would echo around my room. It was the loudest when I’d blow raspberries on her cheek. Not the right side, she hated it. I don’t remember my daughter’s eye color, the exact color, or how they’d change with her smiles and giggles.”

He slowly blinks, and everything inside of me hardens when he reveals the full extent of his thoughts.

“Death will give me Vanya again, but life…” he blows out a breath, “life keeps me here with you and Verena. But she’s alone and Verena will have you. Everyone thinks I’m a monster for killing or torture, but what kind of fucking lowlife am I that I’m leaving both of my kids alone.”

My eyelids are already swelling as panic overtakes me, and I tighten my arms around him, refusing to let go. My voice hardens, trying to convince him not to do anything that will take him away.

“You are human. Forgive yourself and know that you can grieve your daughter however you want, but you can’t kill yourself to bring her back.”

It ends in a choked sob, and he turns as my tears splash against his cheek. I fold in on myself as he lifts his head from lap and picks me up to cradle me against his chest. His hand goes to the back of my head, pushing my face into the crook of his neck as I wind my arms around his ribs and lock my fingers together at his back. I won’t let go, then he’ll be forced to stay alive.

His low curse is muffled as he cups my ear and massages my scalp.

“Fuck, don’t cry, meely moy.”

I shake my head and push back enough to look at him. Tears cling to every part of my cheeks, dripping off my jawline, and wobbling on my lips as I look up from his shoulder.

“I’m sorry you lost your daughter, I wish I could go back in time to stop it, but you can’t leave us.”

My entire being shatters as a sob erupts from deep in my chest and shakes my body.

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