Page 99 of Viparious

I keep rocking her and press my lips to her cheeks.

Still cold.

“I don’t want you to leave me.”

Steps crunch in the snow from outside the house and I freeze. They’ll take her away. Like the others. Burn her. No, she can’t be, then I won’t see her. Vanya is a baby, innocent, that means she’ll go to heaven.I keep apologizing because I’m a murderer, the others didn’t count, they were fights. This is murder, I promised not to hurt her. Len’s right, I’m wrong. Vanya isn’t wrong, I am.

I hurt my baby, my solynshkuh, my Vanya.

I wait for the sounds of the steps to stop before I move and lay her on the bed. Her ears always gets cold, so I put on an extra hat and make sure that she’s covered. It was her favorite one, with little pink patterns on it. Her limbs don’t move as I wrap extra blankets around her and she’s heavier, bluer, as I wrap them around her extra tight and fall to my knees with my cheek on her chest.

“Please, can you wake up? I’ll never open the window again.”

I’m not supposed to beg or say please, it’s a weakness, but she’s my Vanya.

“I’ll find you a nice house and I won’t see you ever again, please, solnyshkuh.”

The front door closes, and I wrap my arms around her so she can’t be taken away. My lips move, but no sound comes out.

‘Please, I’ll take you away from here. The doctor can be your new papa.’

‘Please just open your eyes.’

But there’s no movement, just cold.

Anika’s heels click against the floor, and she giggles, making me die faster on the inside. There’s a thud against the wall as she moves through the hallway towards the stairs that go to her room. I don’t move. Two pairs of footsteps go up the stairs. I stop breathing. Her bedroom door slams closed, and a man’s voice is with her. I think it’s Len, so he won’t see Vanya either, they’re busy. I start breathing again and gently pick up my baby. Her face is like ice against my neck, and I keep her tucked against me.

“I’m sorry, solnyshkuh, I thought I closed it. I’m sorry.”

Shed. There’s a shovel, I’ll need to dig.

I leave my room, and, for the first time, I don’t lock my door when I leave. There’s nothing to protect anymore.

I don’t look at anything other than Vanya’s blue face as I walk out of the house and go to the side where the shed is. I don’t care about the noise, or even hear it, as I open it and take out the shovel. The cold metal is warm against the ice inside of me and it scrapes against the soft snow as I keep kissing the top of my baby’s head. My baby.

“Papa loves you. I will always love you and I miss you already.”

I keep my hand on her back so she can’t slip and walk carefully, avoiding the shiny patches on the road.

“I won’t leave you. We’ll lay down together.”

The church gates aren’t fully closed with the amount of snow that’s fallen and I don’t feel the frozen metal cut my hand as I push through it, making sure that it doesn’t hurt Vanya.

“You’re my baby and I hurt you. I’m sorry.”

I remember the first time I held her. She was all wrinkly, but she held my finger and her big eyes opened, like marbles, filled with different colors.

“I got you a birthday cake, and a dress. They’re both pink. The dress has the same material as your blanket, the smooth bit because you like rubbing it.”

Walking into the churchyard with Vanya on my shoulder and a shovel in my other hand, I keep telling her I’m sorry. I thought I closed it. But I didn’t sleep yesterday, I forgot. All the other graves have people’s names, and I don’t want Vanya to be seen by everyone else. Len and Anika will know where to find us then.I keep walking deeper, looking for the perfect place where we can go to sleep.

“I’ll never love anyone like I love you, solnyshkuh.”

Moving around the different spaces, I find a spot that can be just ours. It’s hidden from everybody else behind a large willow tree, so they can’t hurt her.

A weeping willow.

She liked it when I put her inside my coat, and I do it again. One more time. Kissing the top of her head, she’s colder than my lips and my cheeks are hot.

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