Page 92 of Viparious

I silently apologize to Vanya for breaking my promise not to be dirty anymore.

I promised her when I first saw her in the hospital that I’d make sure they stop, that she would never be ashamed of her papa. But she’s too sick and she’s not getting better.

No, she’ll get better, she just needs medicine.

She still smiles, she’ll be okay. I repeat it three times in my head and the neighbor keeps looking me up and down. I can’t take all three babies with me. They won’t have anywhere to sleep, and I can’t carry them all at the same time. Valyusha never likes holding my leg when we walk places and Vitya is too young. I just need her to watch them before Anika and Len get home, one hour, that’s it. One hour and I can take Vanya to the doctor, and he’ll see what’s wrong with her.

But the neighbor smirks and looks over my shoulder before she curses, “Chuski.” She doesn’t slam the door in my face and a car pulls up behind me. I don’t need to turn to know who it is with Anika’s voice already reaching my ears.

“What is he doing?”

She’s going to think I’m earning money without telling her. She’s already angry since I stopped everything the day I brought Vanya home. I can’t do it anymore with Vanya sleeping in my room. The drugs don’t work, and Valyusha was staring right at me during the last time. He was only a baby, but he knew, heknowshow dirty I am.

Heavy-booted footsteps move up the path, but I don’t move. She just needs to say yes, and I’ll run, I’ll be back in thirty minutes if I run. Vanya likes hiding in my coat, so she’ll be happy too. The steps come closer, and a harsh hand grabs my nape, pulling me into Len’s side. He stinks of smoke, like Piotr, but I stand tall and don’t let anything show.

Don’t be weak.

He digs his fingers into my muscle. I’m nearly the same height as him now and I’ve been training for the fights, so I’ve got muscle too.

“What did he want?” Len asks her while looking at me.

The neighbor opens the door wider, inviting him in, and he doesn’t let go of me. I don’t want to see him fuck her. I already feel sick from the amount of times Anika forces me to stand at the window while pointing out what movements she taught him. I’ll never allow Vanya to even see me shirtless, she won’t know what it’s like to be repulsed by her papa and I’ll never hurt her.

I don’t react as we step into the house. I turn to the side, looking out of the window towards our house. Anika stands watching us. She’s not near the door of my bedroom, so the babies are okay. As long as she’s stood there, they’re okay and as long as I stay here, she’ll stand there watching. At least her hands aren’t between her legs like she used to do with the others. The neighbor speaks and her voice is all high pitched through her lie.

“He was trying to seduce me. Can you believe that? Why would I want the cub when I have the lion?”

Bullshit.

She always looks at my face, I know what that means. No one looks at my face unless they want me to fuck them. It’s what Anika used to say to me when I was younger, when I used to cry, and it hurt —it hurts because you’re so beautiful. One day no one will look at my face again, other than the babies, they’re the ones who I’ll allow to.

Len tightens his hand around my nape and doesn’t let go as he grabs the neighbor’s hip, pulling her closer. He keeps his hand on me while he whispers his filth in her ear, and she giggles like she’s not old as fuck and his wife isn’t watching. She’s not going to help me, and time is running out, they won’t leave the house again and they won’t help me either. My finger wants to shake, but I force my hands to be steady, so Len doesn’t notice. It’s a weakness, everything is, and he’ll end up breaking my fingers again if he sees.

They start kissing and he finally takes his hand off me. I turn around and walk out with my spine straight, so I don’t look weak. Anika is still stood in the window and her eyes burn through me.

I quickly mask my features from showing the ache in my ribs before going to our house. I can put Vanya in my coat, Valyusha can go on my back, and I’ll carry Vitya in my arms. If he’s still asleep, I think he can go in a gym bag, yeah then I can carry all three of them. We’ll go to the doctor, and I can take them with me when Len and Anika start fucking each other.

No, what if he suffocates?

He won’t be able to breathe, and I’ll need to hold Valyusha, so he doesn’t slip off my back. He always gets moody when he’s told to do something. I’ll turn it into a game, he likes playing games. They all do, and I’ll say we’re going on an adventure.

Anika is already waiting for me by the door when I walk into the house. My head hits the wall before both feet touch the carpet.

“Did you think I wouldn’t find out what you’re doing?”

Moving out of the way of her fist, I stand straight, away from the door as she slams it shut. It clipped my head last time and I had a headache for days.She manages to stare down at me even though we’re the same height now and spit flies as she talks.

“You went to your father’s whore for what? Money? Do we not allow you to eat and live here?”

Her hand comes up and her ring hits my cheek before her fingers do. My head doesn’t turn, and I take a deep breath, bored with the same shit.

The door is forcefully pushed open and slams into my shoulder. I didn’t move far enough away. I make a mental marker, so I don’t do it again as Len slams it closed. The house rattles from the anger radiating off him and he takes one step until he’s stood beside his wife. His hand comes out, wrapping around my neck and he drags me up the wall. I don’t tuck my chin, that’s a weakness, and my arms stay by my side. My feet don’t move to kick out because that’s another weakness, proof that there’s someone stronger than me.

He’s testing me because I fucked up and got caught at the neighbor’s house asking for help. His hand tightens, cutting off my air and light orbs blur my vision. But I don’t fight back. I show him strength and he tightens more. He can’t kill me, I’m the one who makes the most money. No one watches his fights anymore, they only come to see me. If I don’t fight, I’ll have to earn money the other way and if I’m weak, he’ll make me stop fighting.

My finger twitches against the wall, hidden by my thigh, reminding myself why I can’t be weak.

Valyusha, Vitya, Vanya.

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