Page 48 of Further To Fall

“Nothing.” Taking off toward home, I left Austin in my wake. As I reached the gate, I saw an over-the-top arrangement of lilies and roses sitting on the steps. Our gate required a security code, so any deliveries had to be left out here. I bent down and pulled the card from the holder in the midst of the fragrant spray, it had my name on it. Quickly opening the card, I groaned when I saw Kyle’s name. The card read,Please forgive my harsh words, I just don’t want you to get hurt. Love, Kyle.

“Who are the flowers from?”

The sound of Austin’s voice made me jump just a little. “Oh, just Kyle, an apology for something stupid.”

Even in the dim light, I could see the tense set of Austin’s shoulders, frustration seeming to radiate off him in waves. “So, no boundaries needed for ol’ Kyle?”

I bristled. “My relationship with Kyle is really none of your business. You’ve seen me to my door, there are clearly no kidnappers or murderers about, so I think you can go.”

Austin stepped back, running both hands over his buzzed head. “I’m sorry. You’re right, that was uncalled for.” He took a deep breath and pinned me in place with his gaze. There was a depth of emotion in his eyes that I had rarely seen before. “Can I just come in for a minute? I really need to talk to you about something. I’ll even carry your flowers. I’m not sure you’ll make it inside with the world’s largest bouquet here.”

I fought the smile that wanted to rise to my lips. “Oh, all right.” Austin heaved up the vase of flowers with a dramatic groan as I keyed in the gate code.

“This is a nice place,” Austin said as we headed up the walkway.

“Yeah, I really lucked out that my best friend had a killer pad I could con her into letting me live in.” I winced, thinking about the circumstances that had surrounded my moving in with Taylor. Reminders of past hurts were everywhere, just waiting to jump out and sucker punch you right in the heart. Pulling my keys from my purse, I unlocked the door. “Taylor, you home? I’m back, and Austin’s with me,” I called out, wanting to give her a heads-up about the male guest.

Her voice echoed from upstairs, “I’m here. I’m just on the phone with my mom, be down a little later.”

“Okay, tell her hi for me.” I loved Taylor’s mom, she was the kindest, most kick-butt mom ever, and she had raised Taylor all on her own. She had come to visit a number of times since I’d lived here, and we always had a blast. I turned around to find Austin setting the flowers on the kitchen bar, looking around and taking in the space. “Can I get you anything to drink? Water? Beer?”

“Uh, water would be great.” His hands were shoved into his front pockets, and he almost looked a bit sheepish.

I grabbed two bottles of water from the fridge and gestured towards the living room. “We can talk in there.” I wondered what in the world he wanted to talk about and really hoped he wasn’t going to try and dredge up the past again. I needed to keep looking forward. Plopping down on the couch, I slipped off my shoes and pulled my knees up to my chest. Austin sat down on the opposite end of the couch, and I handed him his bottle of water. “So, what’s up?”

He broke the seal on his water, took a sip, then proceeded to tighten and loosen the cap systematically. My level of anxiety started to rise. “Look, I feel like I need to be honest with you about my intentions for getting back in contact.” A fist closed around my heart, stopping it from pumping in a normal fashion. “I don’t want to be friends with you.” A combination of ice and boiling liquid began surging through my veins. Was it possible to have hot flashes at twenty-three? “I want so much more than friendship from you.”

My heart stuttered, stopped, and then started beating again. “What does that mean?” I didn’t want to hope. Hope was what had ultimately broken me a year ago, and I didn’t want it to destroy me again.

Austin set his water on the coffee table and scooted towards me on the couch. He plucked the water from my hands, setting it next to his. He pulled one of my hands to his mouth and kissed my palm. “I’ve missed you so fucking much. Every day, I missed you. At first, I was too stubborn and pigheaded to come to you. Drowning in my own pride, thinking I was right, and you were wrong. Then, I saw how far I’d fallen without you, and I knew I had to clean up my act before I could bring you back into my life. But it took me a long fucking time to realize I had never seen you as just a friend. You’ve always been more. You’ve always been everything.”

My mind spun. I felt lightheaded, and the hot and cold flashes were back. These were the words I had always wanted to hear. Words I craved with a soul-deep ferocity, that nothing else could satiate. So, why was fear all I felt? A panic that rocked me straight to my core.

Tears pooled in my eyes. “I don’t think I can do this.” They weren’t the words I’d thought would come out of my mouth if Austin ever showed up at my door, heart in hand. Pain flashed in his eyes, but I was overcome by memories of all the tears I’d cried, all the sleepless nights, the painful joy of watching him fight on screen in the safety of my bedroom. My heart physically hurt. I pulled my hand from his.

Austin swiped a hand roughly across his face. “What does that mean?”

“It means, this is a lot to take in. And I’m really freaking overwhelmed right now.” Tears continued to track down my face, a release valve for all the bottled-up emotions I’d been carrying around for the past year. “What did you expect me to do? Throw myself at your feet as soon as you said you had feelings for me? You really hurt me.” Needing to move, to expel some of this energy, I stood and began to pace. It didn’t help. When I felt Austin behind me, I whirled around. “You broke my fucking heart!”

Austin reached out like he was going to pull me to him, but he stopped himself mid-motion, letting his hands fall to his sides. “I know. And I’m so fucking sorry. I’ll never be sorrier about anything in my whole damned life. I would do anything to take away that pain.”

His words only made me cry harder. “Please,” he begged, “please, let me just hold you.”

The rawness of his voice had my resolve crumbling. I gave a small nod, and his body engulfed mine. He held me as my body shook, and my tears soaked his tee. One hand trailed up and down my spine while the other massaged my nape. As my tears lessened and my sobs slowed, his touch began to stoke flames in my lower belly. Austin whispered in my ear, “I’m sorry I blindsided you. I know it’s going to take time for you to trust that this is what I really want, to trustme. I’m here for the long haul, I’m not going anywhere. We can take this as slow as you want.”

Pulling back, I sucked my bottom lip between my teeth and nibbled. I felt Austin’s hand twitch on my neck, and I knew he was fighting the urge to use his fingers to release my lip like he always used to do when I employed the nervous habit. Waves of nausea rolled through my stomach, brought on by both the idea of fully opening myself up to Austin or closing the door completely. Each road was paralyzingly terrifying. I needed time. I needed space. I needed to know, without a shadow of a doubt, that he would never hurt me like that again.

“I’d like it if we could just be friends first. We need to take some time to get to know one another again. I’m a different person than I was a year ago. You might not even like me.” It was true, but it was also the only thing I could think of to buy me some time. Time to see if I could truly trust that this Austin who said he loved me now, had always loved me, was here to stay.

Austin huffed, pulling my forehead down to his. I stopped breathing. “The core of you will always be the same, Firecracker. The only thing that could change would be the toppings. But, you’re right, we should take some time to get reacquainted. Just promise me you’ll spend some one-on-one time with me so we can actually do that. No more bullshit about not going to dinner with me because it’s a bad idea.” He widened his eyes at me to emphasize his point.

I nodded slightly, the skin on our foreheads rubbing together. “Okay.” I whispered the word so softly, I could barely hear it.

“Okay,” he said almost as softly. He pulled back slightly, and then he brought his lips to my forehead. They were warm and still surprisingly soft. I reveled in the contact, wished I could swim around in it for hours. All too soon, he retreated. “I gotta get out of here before I push you for more than you’re ready for.”

I nodded robotically, following him to the door. I was in a fog, felt as if I had taken too much cold medicine or something. Austin turned as he opened the door. “Goodnight.” He cupped my cheek briefly and then released me. “Lock this behind me,” he said, tapping the outside of the door. My head bobbed up and down in agreement. Then, he was gone. I pushed the door closed, flipped the lock, and then sank to the floor on my socked feet. Resting my head back on the hard wood of the front door, I looked to the ceiling for answers. It had none.

Soft footfalls sounded on the stairs, and Taylor’s slipper-clad feet appeared, making their way down. She sank to the floor next to me, and I instinctively leaned my head on her shoulder. “I’m not going to lie, I eavesdropped on the last half of y’all’s conversation.”

---