Page 39 of Chasing Shelter

I did stick my tongue out at him this time.

Trace grinned. “I can see why you and my six-year-old get along so well.”

I flipped him off without looking as I unlocked my door.

“Now,thatwas uncalled for.”

“Better than Lolli teaching your daughter about the horizontal tango,” I called as I shut the door. I broke into laughter when I heard Trace’s grumbling through it.

The Colson crew was chaotic on a good day, but they werereal. They didn’t hide who they were to make each other happy. They lived out loud. And more than that, they lived with love and care for one another.

I flipped the deadbolt and turned off the light in the entryway. As I climbed the stairs to my bedroom, I thought about what it would’ve been like to grow up in that environment instead of the one Linc and I had been raised in. But then I remembered what Trace had shared. How living the early childhood he had just made him appreciate the Colsons more.

That was the attitude I needed to have. No more what-ifs. I’d let all the weights I’d carried in the past make me value the freedom I had now.

As I stepped into my bedroom, I looked at the white walls. I needed some color in here. Something that reminded me I was no longer in a neutral prison. I glanced at the pile of clothes on the floor and frowned. It should’ve made me happy, the freedom to have that pile there at all, but something was off about it.

Crouching, I picked up the array of clothing from the past few days and moved to toss them into the dirty clothes basket in the closet. I threw the items in one by one, slowing as I got to the end. I could’ve sworn those ridiculous rainbow boy shorts I’d worn the other day were in this pile. But I guessed that was what happened when you threw things around your room like confetti. Things got lost.

If Trace had been appalled by my dishwasher organization, he’d have a coronary at the state of my bedroom. I went to sleep with a smile just thinking about it.

11

TRACE

As I stepped back inside,I heard Lolli’s and Keely’s voices from upstairs. A pang ricocheted through my chest as Lolli voiced a character in one of Keely’s books—the same way my mom had when times were good. I battled to carry all the things about my mom. The grief at everything I’d lost. The anger at all she’d thrown away.

Instead, I shoved it all down. If I didn’t think about the good, I wouldn’t have to think about the bad.

I headed into the living room, picking up behind Tornado Keely. She was pretty good at doing basic tidying after a play session, but there were always things she didn’t notice. A forgotten doll behind a chair. Another doll’s missing shoe waiting to permanently damage my bare foot in the morning. Crayons shoved between couch cushions. A half-finished drawing she’d dropped beside the television.

By the time I’d picked everything up and took stock of the space, I felt a little more in control. Memories of my mom had been shoved into the box I never opened, and Ellie’s scent had begun to dissipate.

Crossing to the kitchen, I opened the dishwasher. Not half bad.I rearranged a few things, put in a soap packet, and started it up. The image of Ellie shrieking as she tried to escape the water flashed in my mind, as did the feel of her pressed against me.

Hell.

I reached for the cleaning spray under the sink and grabbed a few paper towels.

“I do that bad a job with cleanup?” Lolli asked as she strode into the space.

I sprayed the countertop. “You did fine.”

She was quiet for a moment, just watching me. “Even as a kid, you attacked problems this way. If something was bothering you, you’d clean your room, work on tack in the barn, or straighten Nora’s pantry.”

I tried not to let her assessment get under my skin, but it was damn near impossible. I knew it was me searching for control, a quest to be nothing like my birth parents. But I didn’t need the rest of the world to be quite so aware.

“Or maybe I just want to make sure there’s no salmonella on the counters,” I shot back.

Lolli scoffed. “You could do surgery on those countertops.”

She was probably right.

“So,” she continued, “how was your evening stroll?”

I sent her a sidelong glance. “You’ll be relieved to hear it was Sasquatch-free.”

“Can’t be too careful,” Lolli said with a grin. “You should take that girl to dinner.”

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