Page 10 of Every Promise Broken

Dread churns in my stomach as guilt squeezes me around the neck like a noose. I don’t know how much longer I can keep living like this. Guilt is eating me alive, and I’ve been avoiding my own boyfriend almost as much as I’ve been avoiding my ex-husband because I don’t know how to handle this. What I did was awful, and I know it would hurt Reggie if he knew. I’ve never been good in situations like this. I’m no good at hurting people’s feelings, but lying to him isn’t any better.

I cheated on my boyfriend.

With my ex-husband.

What the hell is wrong with me?

Thirty-five days later, and I still can’t wrap my head around that decision. It makes zero sense. It’s completely out of character for me. I’m not a cheater, and Conrad and I have been over for years. I’ve moved on; Reggie and I have been together almost three years now. I just don’t understand what wouldpossess me to do what I did. And to top it off, as if that’s not bad enough, I initiated it all! I practically begged him to help me cheat on my nice, loyal, sweet boyfriend.

The oxygen in the cab of my truck suddenly feels paper thin. Like, as soon as I suck it into my lungs, it evaporates. My chest tightens, the vein in my neck throbbing, and head pounds. I can’t catch my breath, and it’s like the world is closing in on me. I’m being sucked into a void with no say in the matter.

I should’ve canceled this dinner.

Should’ve told Reggie not to come over.

But in order to do that, I would’ve had torememberthat we had plans. How can I remember a single thing when my head is already stuffed full of shame over what I’ve done, and then more guilt on top of that because I can’t stop replaying the entire night in my mind like a sordid, filthy, inappropriate slideshow. Every last memory.

The rough scratch of his beard against my cheek.

The rich, woodsy scent of him as it invaded my nostrils.

The way he handled me with care, while also being rough with me, just the way I like. The way I crave. And the fact he remembered that.

How being with him felt like sitting around the campfire on a chilly, star-filled night, wrapped up in a warm blanket.

Turning into my driveway, I spot Reggie’s car, and my stomach sours. I chew on the inside of my cheek hard enough that I taste copper as I park beside him. He climbs out before I do, rounding the front of his Prius and opening my door for me.

Like the gentleman he is.

I’m going to be sick.

I grab my briefcase and climb out, forcing myself to breathe steadily. Reggie leans in for a kiss, the scent of Juicy Fruit gum wafting in my face a moment before our lips connect. I hate thatscent. It’s all he chews, and I can’t stand it. The kiss is short, no tongue, as it usually is with him.

“Hi, babe.” Taking my briefcase from me, he asks, “How was your day?”

“Busy,” I murmur, unlocking the front door. “How was yours?”

“It was great,” he replies cheerfully as he sets my briefcase on the entryway table. That’s not where it goes. It goes in my office, on top of my desk, like I’ve told him dozens of times. “Ran a few errands, went for a swim at the gym, worked in my garden…”

The rest of what he says falls on deaf ears, his voice nothing more than a constant buzz, as I pad across the floor into the kitchen, where I grab a glass out of the cupboard, filling it with cold water from the fridge. My mouth is dry, and it feels like a golf ball is lodged in my throat. Chugging the water until there’s nothing left, I set it in the sink before opening the dishwasher, and I get to work unloading it. I normally do this before work, but I was running late this morning because I overslept.

I’m in the middle of rinsing my morning coffee mug when arms slide around my middle, and the hard weight of Reggie’s chest presses into my back. Startled, I drop the mug in the sink and jump to the side, causing his arms to fall away in the process.

“Whoa, babe. Are you okay? I didn’t mean to scare you.” His hand rests on my shoulder, and the crawling-out-of-my-skin sensation from a moment ago hits me again in full force, sending a full-body shudder down my spine.

I shake his hand away, unable to look at him. “I’m fine,” I blurt out, shaking my head. “Just, I don’t want to be touched right now.”

He’s quiet for a beat, then, “Did I do something?”

The confusion and the sadness in his voice claws at my chest. “No, you didn’t do anything,” I try to reassure him, but I don’tthink I’m doing a very good job. “I just don’t want to be touched right now.”

From the corner of my eye, I see him retreat into himself, and I feel like shit. My stomach clenches once more as I rub my fingers together in rhythmic circles. I drag in a deep breath and hold it in my lungs on a five count before blowing it out through my mouth. Then I turn to Reggie with as much gumption as I can manage.

“Reggie, I…” The words die in my throat as I make the mistake of looking him in the eye. “I don’t think tonight is such a good idea.”I’m a coward.“I’ve had a hectic day, my head is killing me, and I think I’d rather be alone.”

His brows pinch together, mouth turned down into a frown. “Are you sure? I brought all the stuff to make your favorite. Besides, we’ve barely seen each other over the last few weeks. I was looking forward to getting to connect with you tonight.”

“Yes, I’m sure,” I reply, harsher than I intend to. “I’m sorry, but I think you should go.”

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