Page 95 of Insatiable Hunger

Valerie is in the kitchen, sitting at the bar, when I walk in. She’s got a drink of some sort—probably alcoholic—in her hand, and her eyes are all puffy and red-rimmed, like she’s been crying. The sight is a punch to the gut.

“Hey,” I say meekly.

“Hey.”

“You didn’t come home last night.” I don’t know why I say it.

“I stayed at my sister’s.” Valerie lifts the glass, taking a sip. “I went to Elias’s yesterday afternoon.”

“He told me.”

She huffs out a laugh. “Of course, he did.”

“Val…”

“Why my son?” she cuts me off. “Out of everyone you could’ve chosen, why my son?”

My response is immediate, something I don’t even have to think over. “Because he wasn’t your son when I met him.” Her brows dip, and I’m quick to explain. “Of course, he was your son. What I mean is, when I met him, I didn’t know who he was to you. And then by the time you introduced me to yourson, the damage was already done.”

“But you could’ve told me, Zeke. When I introduced you two, one of you could’ve clued me in on your history. Neither of you did, though. Just left me in the fucking dark.”

The weight of her words sits heavy on my shoulders. “You’re right, Val. And I should’ve told you. I can’t speak for Elias’s reasoning, but I’d imagine he kept it to himself because he wanted you to be happy. I’m sure, like me, he never planned on acting on the feelings he felt. I didn’t tell you because regardless of my past with him, my reasonings for marrying you still stood. I knew if I told you, you’d call the whole thing off and refuse any help from me, and I wasn’t about to watch you lose your house and everything else.

“It’s no excuse. I should’ve told you, but I need you to understand that it came from a place of care, even though it doesn’t seem like it. I didn’t not tell you to be spiteful or to hurt you. Quite the opposite, Valerie. Even though we aren’t in love, that doesn’t mean I don’t love you. Next to Elena, you’re the most important woman in my life. Hurting you is the last thing I wanted to do.”

She wipes her face, bloodshot pale eyes lift to meet mine. “I feel incredibly betrayed. By both of you. And I don’t know if I can ever get past it, Zeke. You both lied to me, for years. And I know you lied about Elias working for you. I can’t even get into that with you right now, though. It infuriates me, and I need you to know that I know about that lie too, Zeke.”

Fuck. “I understand,” I reply, even as the words puncture my heart. My chest feels tight, and watching her tears fall makes me want to pull her into a hug and take all her pain away, but I can’t. Because I’m the cause of it.

Her expression hardens, even as more tears stream down her face. “After we got back from Miami, while you were at work, I went into your office to try to see if I could figure anything out before I confronted you.”

My stomach clenches painfully, not knowing where she’s going with this. “Why?” I ask carefully. “Why not just ask me, which you eventually did?”

“Because, Zeke, you’ve been lying to me for the last three years! How was I supposed to know if you were going to lie to me again, and I was feeling very overwhelmed with what I read in that letter, and I wasn’t thinking clearly, okay?”

Hands held up, I say, “Okay. I’m sorry.”

“I f-found another lie you kept from me while I was doing that,” she mutters, my heart dropping. When I don’t say anything, she scoffs, “You don’t even want toguesswhat it is I found?”

I don’t have to. I know exactly what she found. It’s the one thing I’d hoped would never come to light. “I know,” is all I say.

At that, she lets out a sort of gargled cry, covering her face with her hands. Unable to take it any longer, I round the bar, closing the distance between us, placing my hand timidly between her shoulder blades, rubbing. As soon as my hand makes contact, she jumps back, off the chair, angry eyes narrowing on me.

“Don’t touch me, Zeke!” Her face screws up as tears spill. “Don’t you fucking touch me,” she repeats, her voice broken and sad.

My hands slip into the pockets of my slacks as I try to swallow around the lump clogging my throat.

“How could you do this?” she wails, slapping a hand down on the granite. “How could you not tell me, in all these years, that we were never legally married? Why?!”

I can do nothing, say nothing, as I watch her fall apart before me. This is the one secret that may hurt her almost as much as me and Elias having an affair. When I found out Elias was Valerie’s son, I thought maybe I could get past it. I thought maybe it didn’t have to mean anything. We were only a one-night stand, after all.

Then the night of the rehearsal dinner came and seeing him with hisdatemade me feel rage I’d never felt before. The way I couldn’t control myself with him in the hallway… I knew. I knew that I’d never be able to get over it. Even if I could never act on it—because that’s the truth; I never planned to act on my feelings for him—I knew, deep in my heart, I couldn’t marry somebody else, knowing how I felt about Elias. Knowing the things I wanted to do to him. The way I wanted it to be him lying beside me night after night in bed.

I just… couldn’t.

But that goddamn catch twenty-two; I still wanted to help Valerie, wanted to help pull her out of her rut, and I wanted Elena to get her wish before she died—because at that point in time, it seemed like she wouldn’t make it. I had no way of knowing she’d go into remission.

The decision was a fucked up, selfish one. It makes no sense, but I did it because I couldn’t bear the thought of being legally married to Valerie, knowing I’d slept with her son, and deep down, I wanted to do it again. The desire and the need were still there, even if I never planned to do it. In my mind, I wasn’t going to win either way, but this felt like the lesser of two evils.

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