Page 54 of Dravin
It’s a real testament as to how far gone I am that I’mthishardjust from touching her through her leggings.
“I want to take back the power. Claim it for us.”
My head is so scrambled that it takes me a second to get back on track and follow what she’s saying.
“I was thinking how none of this has been our choice. It’s something thathappenedto us. I was thinking about that all wrong. I do have a choice. You have a choice. It’s crazy and scary, but Ichooseyou. Even if I just realized that you’reokay and we’re still moving past trauma, this is what I want. It’s not justhappeningto me.”
Christ. The way her mind works is as awe inspiring and beautiful as the rest of her, even if it hits me like a bunch of flaming arrows, eviscerating me from the inside out.
“My mom told me that you can’t choose what goes on in life all the time, but you can choose how and where you want to process it. It took me a long time to truly understand what that meant. I’m so sorry that I threw my own pain and insecurity and unsteadiness back at you when you were only trying to help. I’m really going to make an effort to find myself again.”
My hand tightens around her ankle. I give her the only thing I truly can. Honesty. “You can’t be so hard on yourself. Not after what you had to endure.”
She nods, biting her lower lip. “But I didn’t have to be hard on you. We could go through this together.”
“I don’t want to fuck this up.”
“I know.” She blinks rapidly, her voice thickening as she struggles to hold back tears. “It’s a lot of pressure. It shouldn’t be all on you. We can share it. You get fifty percent, and I get the other half.”
“More like ninety-ten.”
“My mom also used to say that something good always comes from something bad, even if we have to spend a lifetime trying to understand what it is.”
I close my eyes and let the silence stretch on. I don’t know what to say. How do I convince her this is a terrible idea when my heart isn’t in wrecking anything to protect her? I want to bemore for her. I want to fix the world, give her freedom, let her choose, glue back all the broken pieces of her heart.
I want this to be real.
I want it to last.
Even if it should probably never have started.
She retracts her leg so my hand lands on her foot. She wriggles her toes against my palm. “You don’t look good right now and I say that out of pure care and concern. You’re not feeling well. You’re in too much pain because you decided to freaking flay yourself alive down there. You need a distraction, not a conversation that weighs ten thousand fucking pounds.”
“I—”
“Take me through what a normal day looks like for you.”
If that’s the kind of distraction she means, maybe I can do that. I’m terrified of how low I’ve let my guard drop right now. The other day at her house. Nearly every time I’m around her. “You mean as a professional stalker?”
“Normal as in abnormal.” She grins at me, tickling my palm with her toes again. It’s remarkable how comfortable she is here, in my bed. With me. Maybe she doesn’t realize what a big deal it is for me to let her see me at a low point like this.
No, she knows.
I swallow around the lump in my throat and the piercing pain in my gut, the nerves and anxiety filling up my chest. I’m fighting it, that lightness that’s trying to feel that this is right. I don’t want to lose the nerves, the edginess, the wariness. Thoseinstincts have gone a long way to protect me. Even though I keep giving in, I can’t claim this for us. Anusshouldn’t exist.
Marcus never meant for me to take care of his sister this way. If he was alive and he found out I was in bed with her, that I’d kissed her, that I’d let her undo my pants and get down on her knees for me, that I’m halfway to gone for her, he’d…
He wouldn’t hate the idea at all. He might have some reservations, but he would have loved you for her. He would have known that you’d do anything to keep her safe. You’d hurt yourself a thousand times over before you ever allowed her to suffer.
“Abnormal normal.” My voice shakes. I can’t pour out the stuff in my head, but we both know it’s there. “Hmm. Let’s see. I really have nothing. It’s all very boring.”
“I’m sure!” She scrambles over and goes to poke me in the ribs, but stops, knowing how it would make me flinch and how much it would hurt. “You’re going to have to tell me somethingsometime. That’s part of the percentage sharing.” She adjusts so she’s laid out parallel with me, her feet touching mine above the blankets. She lines her face up with mine, so close our noses nearly touch. “God, how could I not know you were coming? I don’t mean- I- you just kind of bowled me over. I never knew that another person could do this silent call that goes straight to my heart. You’re burying yourself inside of me.”
That dreamy look on her face and her accompanying words don’t just press my panic button. They storm it. When Kael disliked me, she was much safer. I was much safer. It’s hard, letting someone in. She’s making an effort to be open, and I appreciate it. I want it. It also scares me senseless.
My life was always going to be solitary. I didn’t necessarily choose that path, but it’s the one that I was walking anyway. Ifshedidn’t see me coming,I’mlike the poor fucker who steps out into the middle of the street and gets hit by a speeding truck.
I’m a fucking wreck tonight. My body. My head. My heart.
