Page 36 of Finding Home with You

I kiss her shoulder. “We’ve had plenty of angry sex before, Red,” I say. “That’s kind of our thing.”

Erin chuckles a little. “Not like that we haven’t,” she says.

“Why?” I ask. “How was that different?”

Erin lifts her head a little, looks at me over her shoulder. “You were so possessive,” she says. “Dominating and controlling. More so than any other time,” she adds.

I don’t know if what she says is true, but I know that it’s exactly how I feel and right now, I don’t give a shit if she doesn’t like it. Pushing up on my hands, I flip Erin so she’s now lying on her back beneath me. “I don’t think you get it, Erin,” I say, hovering over her. “I am feeling possessive. And controlling and dominating and maybe just a little bit pissed off too. And you know what? I’m not gonna apologize for it, no matter how much you might want me to. And I’m also taking your gun. Not because I don’t trust you but because I fucking love you, Erin and there’s not a chance in hell I’m going to let anything happen to you.”

And then I slam my mouth down hard onto hers so neither of us can say anything more.

Chapter Fourteen

Erin

I almost miss what Ryan says as I was already preparing to argue with him about my gun, and then his mouth collided with mine, silencing me.

I pull away quickly despite his hands clutching my face and push against his chest trying to shift his weight off of me.

“Ryan, don’t say that,” I tell him sternly, but still my voice cracks and my hands begin to shake. He can’t possibly love me, and just his simple admission nearly guts me.

“Don’t say what?” Ryan questions. “That I’m taking your gun?” He smiles at me a little and slides over so he’s lying next to me. He presses his lips to my shoulder, leaving them there through a series of heartbeats because he knows I need it. I need his silence, his touch and the time to understand that what he’s just said may hold some truth to it.

“Don’t lie to me,” I whisper as not to disturb the silence. My words fall from my mouth in a soft echo that I hear over and over. Raised in a world of lies and a family of secrets, I know very little truth and what I do know I hold dear. I need this to be one of those things.

“It would be a lie if I said I didn’t love you,” he says back with his mouth next to my ear, and I wonder how many times a heart can break before it’s beyond repair.

He can’t break my heart.

I need him to be the one to fix it.

The room falls silent again and the only sound that fills the room is the sound of our breathing as we breathe in time together.

I must fall asleep because when I next open my eyes it’s to an empty bed and the sound of the shower humming in the distance, the heater putting out warm air and the smell of coffee brewing.

It feels normal.

Like Ryan and I will start our day and go off to work, only to return in the evening and have dinner and chat like we aren’t dealing with this ever-looming disaster.

But I know that’s not how this will happen. He’s heading back to Boston and tonight I’ll end up sharing a bed with Finn because I’m too proud to admit I’m fucking terrified. I’ll forever live in fear of my father and his men and what will come. Not just for me, but also for Ryan. I’ve said it before; things don’t stay hidden for long.

There’s more that I haven’t told him, like why I had to get a new phone number and my fear that someone is watching me. But keeping it all hidden will only make Ryan think I’m lying to him, make him think he can’t trust me. When in reality I keep it from him because I want to protect him as much as he wants to protect me.

I’m stretched out on the bed, trying to force myself to get up when Ryan walks into the room, a towel wrapped around his waist as he runs his hand through his wet hair.

“You have a chance to think about what I said earlier?” he asks casually as he begins to get dressed, pulling on a pair of boxer briefs.

I nod nearly imperceptibly and I wonder if Ryan even noticed, so I quietly add, “I have.” I don’t know if he expects me to say it back. Most people would, but I’m not sure I can.

It’s not that I don’t love Ryan because I do, but I also know what it feels like to be hurt and I’m not certain I can live through that feeling again.

“Listen, Erin,” he starts, continuing to get dressed as he speaks, almost as if he knows making eye contact with me will cause me to run for the hills. “I’m going to be the guy who stays whether you believe me or not, whether you push me away or not. I’m going to be here through the cold, the snow, your shitty times and your great times, through the summer and the fall, all of them. And I’m going to be here when one day you’re pregnant, and we have babies and when we get married, and I’m going to be here when you decide to tell me you love me. No matter how long that takes.”

My hands are over my face as I feel Ryan approach my side of the bed, and I rub at my eyes making sure the tears I felt form have all been wiped away.

I’m looking up at him now, but neither of us says anything for a second or two, and then Ryan leans down and presses a kiss to my forehead.

“I gotta get to work, but I’ll see you tonight possibly,” he says and I smile a little. “I love you,” he whispers, and again his lips touch my forehead.

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