Page 16 of Finding Home with You

I want to trust Ryan, I want to know that everything he says to me is true, but I’ve been here before. I’ve been taken advantage of; cheated on and lied to, and found myself wrapped up in something I had no interest in being a part of. I can’t let it happen again.

Ryan sucks in a deep breath and again exhales hard. “I’ve never done this before. And I don’t mean the arguing,” he adds and laughs a little as we both know this is kind of our thing. “The whole relationship thing, the jealous thing. I’ve never had someone that made me want to feel…” and again he trails off, pausing for a second to find his words. “Possessive?” he says questioning his words. “I didn’t like it.”

“Neither did I,” I say back. “Finn and I are friends. We have been for years. Don’t you think if I wanted to sleep with Finn I would have already?” I question him, knowing how stupid his jealous rages looks now. “I’ve lived in Rockport since I was eighteen. Finn has always been single.” I swallow hard and add quietly, “And so have I.”

“I want to say it won’t happen again, but I have no idea,” Ryan responds. “I’ve never done this before. I guess we’re both new to this whole relationship thing,” he adds, slipping his body in between my legs.

I want to tell him that while I have been single for a while, I’m not new to this controlling, jealous relationship thing. It’s why I haven’t been in a relationship for years. But I can’t tell him, because telling him means I have to tell the whole story, and that’s something I’m not ready to face. It’s something I still haven’t come to terms with.

Ryan leans up to kiss me and I kiss him back, but when he pulls away he asks, “What did you mean when you said that you wouldn’t go through that again?”

I cock my head to the side, acting like I’m not sure what he’s talking about, but I know exactly what I said.

“When you said that you won’t be controlled by me, you added that you won’t go through that again,” Ryan adds, clarifying his last question.

“I don’t know,” say shrugging my shoulders. “I was just pissed off, spewing shit out of my mouth without thinking.”

I can tell he doesn’t buy it, but he doesn’t push it. There’s going to come a time when it all doesn’t add up. He’s not stupid; he’s a cop for fuck’s sake.

It’s easy to explain away a new phone number or how I paid cash for my house, but things will eventually get more complicated than that, if they haven’t already.

“I think we should go back inside,” Ryan says, taking my hand in his. I follow him, but I still can’t shake the feeling that I’m making a big mistake by getting Ryan involved in my disaster of a life.

Neither one of us knows how to navigate this relationship thing and to make it worse, he has no idea that my past could prove dangerous for both of us.

And after the way he responded to Finn, I’m absolutely certain Ryan isn’t going to like that I’ve been sharing my bed with Finn on a semi-regular basis. But that’s a conversation for another time. No reason to upset the apple cart even more; it’s already a fucked up mess.

Once we are back inside, Ryan grabs us a few beers and we find Beck, Kelsey and Finn. Unsurprisingly, Finn and Ryan strike up a conversation and are now fully immersed in talking about police shit with Beck.

I knew Ryan would like Finn, and it was just a matter of time before he got over his jealousy, but I’m still not sure how he’s going to take the news that Finn has been helping me keep my father at bay.

As much as I try to stop it, my thoughts are always consumed with whether my father will find me; I know too much. And now swirling around in my head is the idea of how I even approach this with Ryan.

Shaking it off, Kelsey and I make plans to meet up tomorrow and head out to this brewery for lunch. It’s a bit far, and hopefully all this drinking we’re doing right now doesn’t hinder our ability to get our asses out of bed. We confirm with the guys, who agree but also seem to have little interest in what we’ve said.

Kelsey laughs at them knowing that neither one will remember we had this conversation.

The night has settled into a quiet calm, and I finally begin to forget the fight Ryan and I had, and how I basically lied to him, so I grab another beer and pull Kelsey out onto the dance floor. The more I drink, the more my thoughts fade; the busier I feel, the less they control me and that’s a good thing.

Chapter Seven

Ryan

The next morning I wake up sleep deprived and with a slight hangover. Rolling over I see the other half of the bed is empty, but I can hear noises coming from the kitchen, a muffled curse as something crashes to the floor. Smiling, I drag myself from bed, pulling on some sweats and a t-shirt, before walking out.

In the kitchen, Erin is making coffee, her ass peaking out from my Red Sox shirt as she reaches up to grab some mugs. I smile as I walk toward her, wrapping my arms around her waist from behind and whispering in her ear, “Morning, baby.”

“Hey,” she says, leaning back to kiss me before pouring us both a cup.

“What’s the rush, Red?” I ask, pressing more kisses to her neck as I slide my hands under her shirt and up to her breasts.

Erin swats them away. “We don’t have time, Ryan,” she says, turning in my arms. “We have to get moving.”

I stop, pull back and look at her as I try to figure out what’s going on. I don’t think it’s related to what happened last night, the argument. After we went back inside, everything seemed to go back to normal, no one even noticed we’d even left. And even though Erin and I hadn’t talked about it any further, it didn’t affect how we were with each other. Maybe the alcohol helped, or maybe it was my admission about not knowing how to handle this.

It was the truth too, because all of this is new to me. A relationship, wanting more, wanting everything from her. I’ve never been in this situation before. In the past, my relationships, if that’s what you can call them, have lasted on average a week or so. Most of the time I’m not interested in anything too serious, but the one or two times it’s lasted longer than a night or two, it’s always ended not long after. Most girls get tired of my job, the crazy schedule and unpredictable hours that go with it. And I guess none of the girls have made me want to change that.

Until now.

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