Page 8 of Revelation

KAT

The minute Josh and I hang up from our call, I scroll through his blonde-girl “Sick Fuck” folder again, this time more slowly than before. These are some spectacularly gorgeous women here—and he thinks I’m some sort of ‘ideal form’ of all of them? Surely, he’s just flattering me. I mean, come on.

I stop scrolling.

Holy crap.

I recognize one of the women in the folder. I think she’s a well-known model—like, literally on Victoria’s Secret ads and the covers of fashion magazines. Yep, I’m sure of it. Her name is Bridgette something. Is she the ‘bisexual supermodel’ Josh said he turned down? She’s gotta be the second non-Clubber in the folder.

I look at my watch. Gah. Josh should be here any minute. I click out of the “Sick Fuck” folder, intending to take a quick peek at his three photos before he arrives, but on a sudden impulse, I find myself dragging the entire “Sick Fuck” folder into the trashcan and pressing “Empty trash.” Oops. My finger must have slipped.

And now back to my actual mission. I click into the folder marked “Club Application Photos” and open the first of three images. It’s a headshot. Josh is smiling and looking as charismatic and confident as ever. Oh man, those eyes. I could sit and stare at them all day long. He’s gorgeous.

I click on the next photo. It’s classic Josh Faraday. He’s in a perfectly tailored, blue designer suit, looking like an ad for Hugo Boss or cologne.Yummy.

I click on the third photo and...ka-boom. My ovaries explode like two little nuclear bombs. Josh is completely nude in this thirdshot, every inch of his ripped and muscled—and erect—body on full display—and, oh my fuck, the shit-eating grin on his face is so unapologetic, it instantly makes my blood boil with desire. Holy crappola, as Sarah would say, I’m short-circuiting at the sight of him.

Without even thinking about it, I click into Josh’s email account, address an email to myself attaching Josh’s smoking-hot-bad-boy-with-a-gigantic-boner-selfie, and press send. Zowie, as Sarah also likes to say, that sucker’s definitely gonna inspire countless future orgasms.

Hey, as long as I’m sending myself stuff from Josh’s computer, I figure I might as well send myself his application, too, right? That way, if he distracts me again when he gets up here, I’ll be able to read it later from the comfort of my own bed.

Just as I press “send” on my second email to myself, a notification message flashes across the upper right corner of Josh’s screen: he’s got an email from someone named “Jennifer LeMonde” with the subject line “Hey, Cutie!”

My stomach clenches.

My lip snarls involuntarily.

Jen.

Oh, God, I shouldn’t do it—I know I shouldn’t. But show me a woman in my exact shoes who wouldn’t read that goddamned email and I’ll show you a woman with no pulse or vagina—or, at the very least, no balls.

I open the email.

“Josh!” Jennifer LeMonde writes. “OMFG! I’m so bummed you didn’t come to NYC with me. My mom’s show was amaaaaaaaaaazing. You would have looooooooooved it. Critics are saying she’s a shoo-in for a Tony. And the party afterwards was REDONK. You should have seen the A-listers who showed up! I’ve attached a pic of Mom and me at the after-party. (Mom says hi, btw—she totally remembers you from that time we all stayed at our house in Aspen.)

“I wanted to send you a quick note to thank you for calling me after Reed’s party. I was pretty bummed at how everything went down that night, to be honest. I’m really glad we had a chance to talk so you could clear everything up for me.

“I’ve been thinking about what you said and I totally understandwhere you’re coming from. I feel the exact same way. So if you’re ready to chill with someone who’s not gonna explode like a fricking grenade all over you like The Jealous Bitch (can you say drama?? OMG!), then let’s hang out again. I’m totally up for what you suggested. We’ll just hang out and have some fun and see where it leads. No pressure. Nothing serious.

“So, anyway, next weekend is my birthday (the big 2-9!) and my mom’s letting me use our house in the Hamptons to celebrate. I’m gonna invite a bunch of friends and I really want you to come. No drama. Just FUN FUN FUN! It would be the best birthday present EVER if you’d come and hang out (and hopefully make me scream again!! Heehee!).

“I know how much you like my ‘pretty titties’ (LOL!) so I’m attaching a special pic just for you. It’s just a little something to tide you over ’til you can come see them in person (and motorboat them again if you want! LMFAO!). Thanks again for explaining everything to me when we talked. We’re defo on the same page. No relationship. Nothing serious. I’m totally down with that plan. XOXOXOXO Jen.”

I have never felt this capable of murder in my entire life.

Holy I Wanna Beat the Living Shit Out of Her, Batman.

And Then I Wanna Cut Off His Balls and Roast Them Over the Burning Embers of His Fucking House, Batman. And Then I Want To Eat Them In Between Two Graham Crackers.

I’m gritting my teeth so hard, they’re about to crumble like shards of bleu cheese in my mouth. I’m ‘The Jealous Bitch,’ huh? Did Jen coin that cute little nickname for me, or did Josh help her come up with it—perhaps during their after-party phone conversation? Was that phone conversation when Josh “suggested” they get together again so he could “motorboat” Jen’s “pretty titties”again?

Why the hell did Josh call Jen after Reed’s party?He told me he wasn’t the least bit interested in her. Did he rush back to his room for a little phone sex after washing the barf off his shoes and my hair and putting me to bed?

I should click out of this email, I really should—that would be the self-preserving thing to do—but instead I torture myself and click on the first photo attached to Jen’s email.

I shriek.

What the holy hell? Jen’s mom isGabrielle LeMonde? I blink rapidly, my brain overloading. Gabrielle LeMonde is a national treasure—an icon! I’ve seen every one of her frickin’ movies—and not just the comedies, either!—the really boring ones in which she spoke in a spot-on British accent, too! What. The.Hell?

---