Page 149 of Rules of Association

“Which one?”

“Big, big bro.”

“He’ll be okay. He always is. They all will honestly,” I said. “It was a lot smoother than I ever thought it could be.”

And it was. My resignation. My advising my family on the state of their network security. My leaving the Ferguson building for the last time as an employee. It was all much less climactic than I thought it would be. Which just went to show how little it had all meant to me. I hadn’t lied when I told Clint I wasn’t quitting on my family. Which meant the family business was always going to meansomethingto me. But it didn’t and had never meant everything. It had just taken me a while to come to terms with what did.

As for this “tone” Malcolm kept bringing up. I couldn’t help but think back to the conversation I had with mom just outside of Clint’s office on my way out.

She followed me there, her heels somehow not making a sound as she walked softer than she ever had on them.

“You’re not leaving are you?” her voice asked over my shoulder, causing me to whip around and land eyes on the smallest vision of my mother I’d ever seen. She was standing there with her arms crossed over her body and her face drawn down into a confused and hurt scrunch. I must have looked at her with confusion in my face because she went on, taking another step toward me. “Town I mean. You’re not moving away to Silicon Valley or something, right?”

I couldn’t help but think about Ceci then. Her face flashing in my mind with the biggest, best smile I'd ever seen. That image alone had me shaking my head. “No, Mom. My family is here. I'm staying here.”

“Okay,” she’d said in a small voice. But her face had more to say. She only hesitated for a second before she was looking at me again and asking. “It’s because of me right?”

“What?”

“That you’re leaving. That you’re done. It’s because I pushed too hard, isn’t it?”

“Mama,” I said, shaking my head and closing the distance between us. I grabbed her shoulders, looking at her from an arm’s length. And I smiled. “Tu eres la razon, que yo soy quién soy.”

She shook her head. “You know I’m not as good as you kids. Papa never had the patience to teach me Spanish.”

I knew that. I just didn’t have the courage to tell it to her straight the first time. But looking at her, I felt that finally I could do it. “You do push, Mom. You push so fucking hard and I’m not gonna lie, it hurts sometimes, but… It’s because of you that I am who I am.”

“Me?”

I nodded.

“But you’re so much like your father.”

I shrugged. “I’ve been terrified to go out on my own, because who knows if I can ever live up to what you’ve done here. I know I’m like Papa, but Mom I’ve always wanted to be like you.”

Her face may or may not have crumpled. But only for a second. She and Clint were cut from the same cloth after all. But her voice croaked ever so slightly as she said, “I drove your sister away for years, Connor. I was just trying to hold onto you. I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay, mom.”

She shook her head, at some point becoming the one holding me at arm’s length. Looking me over with the strangest expression. “You had the biggest head when you were a baby.”

“Um…” I gave her a look. “Thanks?”

“I knew you were going to be so smart even then. And now look at you.” And then she pulled me, six foot four to her five something, into her like only a mother could. And she held me there. “I’m shit at showing it, but I’m proud of you. I knew one day you would wise up and realize you’re too good for us here. I’m sorry for trying to keep you here where I could reach you, that’s not what mothers are supposed to do.”

Shocked, stunned really, I hugged her back, murmuring, “It’s okay, Mom. Really.”

She held on for more long seconds before eventually letting me go and taking a step back. Shaking out her limbs she swiped a knuckle under both her eyes so quick, I would have missed it if I blinked. And sniffing slightly she took a long breath before letting it out and becoming normal again. Normal except for the soft, sad smile on her face as she nodded. “You’re gonna be great, baby. Better than I ever was.”

“Thanks, Mom—”

“At least, you better be. I didn’t raise any mediocre children.” Her stern voice cut me off. She seemed like she was half joking, half serious, but it wasn’t until I heard her last fluttering words as she turned around and headed back to Clint’s office that I realized what she was saying. “Not one.”

So maybe it was the grounding feeling that my mom didn’t think I was mediocre when I could have sworn that’s all she ever thought of me that had me sounding so bittersweet. I told Malcolm the same but in way less embarrassing detail.

Vibrations on my wrist pulled my attention to my notification screen. Looking at it, I felt my entire body warm, and not from the sprints I’d just been doing.

“Hey Malcolm, let me hit you back, man. I gotta go.”

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