Page 144 of Rules of Association

I winced, knowing he was right.

“I’m sorry,” I whispered again, feeling suddenly defeated. He was right. Everyone was right. I was this directionless, lost wanderer who was managing to cut down every relationship and person she came across. Nothing ever fucking lasted when I was involved, and with Connor, I was trying to make this the one thing that did. “I’m sorry, Connor. But please, don’t go away, okay? You needed that and I need this. I need you.Please?”

The sigh he let out, could move the ocean. Then, with softer hands than you’d think, he unraveled my fingers from his shirt and engulfed my hands in his, bringing his head down to rest on my head. I almost whimpered at the touch, nuzzling upward to feel every inch of his warm skin I could. Wishing it could be the cure to this weird feeling that was overtaking my beating heart. Like it was cracking and being repaired over and over again by all these half-truths and part confessions.

Con spoke slowly, like if he said one word out of place, he would mess something up. “I don’t know what you want from me. I really don’t.”

“Just you,” I said, without hesitation. I shuddered a breath and for the first time I realized that I was fighting the urge not to cry. “Just like it was before I broke everything. I swear I won’t get mad ever again, and I won’t care if you have a girlfriend anymore, and I’ll be nicer to your friends, and I won’t make you keep Lila, and I’ll be good Connor. I will. Just don’t leave again. Don’t pull away like before, please.”

A long, long pause separated ’y literal begging from his response. And that only response was him gripping my hands so hard they shook as he said, “You arekillingme, Ceci. Have some mercy.”

“I’m sorry,” is all I could repeat. I don’t even know what for, and I had never apologized to anyone more in my life. But Iwassorry. Because the sound of his voice was killing me, too.

I wish I knew what his response was. He had taken a breath to say something else and whatever it was going to be, I was fully invested in hearing. But right then, the sound of footsteps rounding the corner and halting, and the high pitched, “Oh!” broke us away from each other.

Shit.

Five minutes, five hours, five days could have passed as I tried to regulate my breathing. My body was trembling, heart pounding to the rhythm of a power drum. Skin prickling with this electric buzzing feeling across every nerve.

My chest hurt and I yearned to just give this up and give in. But my mind was stronger than these urges that would soon pass.

Rules, Ceci.I reminded myself. You only have one fucking rule.Don’t fall in love.

I didn’t know what had exactly happened here, but I knew it was against the one and only goddamn rule Ineededto follow.

Leaning back against the wall, I breathed deep one last time. Preparing myself to push away all these dizzying feelings stirring inside me once I opened my eyes. But as I let the breath seep slowly out of my lungs, I found that my eyes were still squeezed shut. I didn’t want to open them. I didn’t want these feelings to pass. I didn’t want to return to a place where it was wrong to have my lips on Connor’s lips and wrong for me to like it. But I had to.

Fuck. I had to.

And as I opened my eyes again and saw the face of the man I adored, I had to wonder if it was still considered breaking the rules if it was just a little crack.

Chapter Thirty-two

CECI

The lord was merciful to let Christine and Nina be the ones who caught us like that. If it had been my sisters or God forbid Ox, I don't know how the rest of the day would have gone.

But since ithadbeen my two sweet friends, and they had come at that precise moment (and not a few minutes before when Connor’s mouth had devoured mine like it was his favorite meal), I could still ensure that everything stayed wrapped up tight. Even if me and Connor still might have things to talk about after the day was up.

Somehow, I convinced my friends that what they saw was nothing. And even if it was, my family—who we were on our way to rejoin—couldnotknow about anything they had just witnessed. Being good friends, they agreed. But somehow I knew I would be getting the inquisition of a lifetime the next time we met without an additional audience.

Connor led the way—more like steamrolling several paces in front of the three of us—as we rejoined the rest of my family on the blankets they spread out. I had no idea how long we were gone, time having no meaning after being caught in the moment of Connor’s kisses. So when we arrived at a fully configured picnic, including sandwiches, charcuterie, both wine and water, juice too. Fruit that was probably washed and put into designer glass stowaway canisters, vegetables with dips and spreads, and little desserts all wrapped up and probably home baked by the lovely master baker herself…It was safe to say Chris and Nin were impressed.

“Holy shitballs,” were Christine’s literal words. Nina who was on one side of me, Christine taking up the other, reached behind my back and pinched her.

I smiled. “Guys, this is my family. Brothers are there. Sisters there. Sister-in-law, and her family over there.”

I pointed to everyone with each introduction and when I got to the Ferguson boys, I managed a stern look at each of them, hoping they understood why I wanted them to keep their mouths shut about Connor and me.

Ushering them toward the blankets I prompted them to sit. They did, still flanking me as we all lowered to the edge of the blankets and made ourselves comfortable. “Everyone, this is Nina and Christine. They’re joining us for lunch.”

I tried to proceed as I normally would, but after an entire minute, I broke. The staring was just rude.

“What is it?” I hissed at my family in particular.

Mattí pointed a finger, bread hanging out of his mouth surprised. “And you know them how exactly?”

I picked up a grape and threw it at him. “Don’t talk with your mouth full, Mateo.”

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