Page 71 of River & Crown
Feeling tears fall onto my arms, I wiped my eyes, amazed that a memory from the past could bring me to tears as if it were happening now. I guess, in a way, it was. Back then, I wasn'tthinking about kids. I was in school with a couple of years left before I graduated. I had so much happening that I wanted to be selfish with my time. A kid would only slow me down more than Sincere already was. Back then, I didn't see his actions as insecurities. I thought his wanting me around all the time was how a man was supposed to love his woman, especially when my momma didn't let me out to see him often while in high school. Making up for lost time was what I chalked it up to, but hindsight was truly twenty-twenty. Sincere had a need for me to bend at his will or be a part of his world while he ignored mine. I've loved that man, paused my life for him, refused to fall in love again for him, and woke up every morning to cry for him. A lot of what I did with my life was in honor of Sincere.
Drowning in sex, I used men for the little connection I was able to grasp before feelings destroyed my temporary fix. Fucking on men was the bandage covering the scar along my heart.
Endless orgasms.
Fleeting memories.
Talks of favorites that didn't matter to me but probably meant something to my companion.
I could go on and on, but what’s the point when, I ended up finding my heart in the form of a man who wasn't Sincere. I used to say, when Sincere died, he took my heart with him. But Crown came along and, unbeknownst to him, had me eating my words.
"Sweetheart, you have to come downstairs and eat something." Without knocking, my mom walked into my old room, giving demands.
"I'm not hungry."
"River, come down here and eat."
"Ma, forreal, I'm not hungry."
"It's been almost three weeks, River. You can't stay in this room forever."
"I go out for my walks around the block four times a day. What's the problem?"
"You're shutting yourself out from the world. You can't heal like this."
"I'm healing just fine, according to the doctor, so..."
Every appointment I've been to, the doctor said the same thing. My incision was healing nicely, and I was moving great for someone who had surgery close to three weeks ago. What more did my mother want from me?
"River, physically, you’re healing, but mentally you're still hurting."
"I've been hurting, Ma. I haven't stopped fucking hurting since Sincere died."
"Here we go," she smacked. I didn't even have to look at her to know a screwed-up expression was plastered on her face.
"No, hereyougo, and that's the problem. You never liked Sincere, and because of that, you let me mourn him alone. You didn't even try to help me through it."
"What did you want me to do, River? You were basically living off snot and fucking tears. That man you loved so much broke you. He made you believe you had no life without him."
"He didn'tmakeme believe a damn thing. It's the fucking truth!" I spat, tossing the blanket off me and jumping up from the bed.
"River, be careful," my mom urged, eyeing my scar.
"See how you can't look at me without looking at this." I pointed toward my scar, careful not to jam my finger into it’s tenderness. "This shit is a reminder of what happens when I try to live without Sincere."
"River, you can't believe that."
"But I do, Ma. Look how long I've been racing, and not once have I crashed."
"I know, but?—"
"Do you know I argued with Sincere about kids? He asked me if I wanted to have his, and I said I hadn't thought about it. He was so fucking upset that he twisted my arm behind my back."
"He put his hands on you. Oh, that boy had better be lucky he's already dead."
"That's what you got from that?"
"What else was I supposed to take from it? River, you're grasping at straws, trying to make sense of this when there's nothing to piece together. What happened to you isn't because you're allowing your heart to be loved properly."
