Page 217 of River & Crown
"If you're not comfortable—" she started.
"I didn't know we were leaving," I explained, voice rough like gravel. "It was still dark. I was knocked out when she came into my room and told me we had to go. I was confused, but she was... determined."
I rubbed my hands together, trying to burn the memory out of my skin. I could still feel the fabric of my younger self rushing to get dressed.
"We made it outside, and I felt her grip on my hand loosen. I thought maybe she had calmed down. I know now it was because she saw my father sitting in the car."
I felt the memory wrap around my chest and squeeze like a fist.
"He told her to get in. She said no, said she didn't want to go anywhere with him."
I paused, and my jaw tightened
"Then he rolled the window down... and pointed a gun at me."
Naomi stayed silent for a moment, then asked, "How did that make you feel? I know you were young, but in past sessions, you said your father was your hero. That you wanted to be just like him."
"My mom used to tell me to be careful with what I said because words have power," I muttered. "Wanting to be like that man is probably the reason I'm here now."
I shook my head. I'd spent my whole life trying not to become that nigga, and somehow, I still ended up a version of him. Not the version who'd kill the woman he loves, but the version who didn't care about making her suffer.
"Words do have power," Naomi gently voiced. "But you were a child who looked up to his father. There's nothing wrong with that."
"Maybe." I shrugged. "In that moment, though, I don't think I felt anything. Yeah, I was scared, but fear was natural. Beyond that? I was numb."
Naomi jotted something down. "What happened next?"
"My mom didn't beg or cry. She just whispered for me to go back inside and call the police, so that's what I did. By the time the cops got there, they were both dead. Carbon monoxide poisoning."
I couldn't keep still. My knee bounced, and my hands curled into fists as my chest burned.
"They said the exhaust system looked tampered with. He planned it. The man I wanted to be like used me to get her into the car just so he could kill them both."
I leaned back, staring at the ceiling.
"That's probably when I stopped trusting the world," I confessed. "If the two people who brought me into it could end like that... what the fuck did that mean for me?"
Naomi set her notepad down and met my eyes not with judgment, but with the kind of focus that made it clear she wasn't gonna make excuses for me.
"Cortez," she voiced gently, "I want you to really sit with something."
I nodded.
"You were a child when your parents died. A child who trusted his father and admired him. And in one moment, that trust was shattered... violently. You were used as bait in a murder-suicide. That wasn't just a loss. It was betrayal at the deepest level. That kind of pain rewires how you view the world and how you define safety. And especially how you define love."
She paused, letting her words sink in.
"When someone you love teaches you that love can kill, your brain doesn't forget that. It learns to protect itself. So now, love doesn't feel safe unless you're in control. And when you feel that control slipping, even just a little, you panic. You don't look like someone panicking, but emotionally? You're back on that sidewalk, watching everything fall apart."
I shifted in my seat. This shit was starting to get uncomfortable.
"That's why your reactions spiral," she continued. "You believe that if you lose someone, it means you failed to keep them, and failure feels like death. So instead of sitting in that fear, you take control. You test their love, and you push until they break, because if they stay after all that, then maybe it means they won't leave."
Her voice softened.
"But Cortez... that's not love. That's trauma talking. That's a scared little boy trying to control the chaos, so it doesn't destroy him again."
My thoughts were spiraling deeper into my sessions when my phone rang through the car's Bluetooth, snapping me back to the present. I reached toward the dash and pressed the green button to answer the call.
