Page 148 of River & Crown
Everything stilled after Crown said what I couldn't bring myself to admit.
"Why would you say he's burning in hell?" I stupidly asked.
"Where else is that nigga gon' be? Not chopping it up with God or chilling with the angels. That nigga you love is a fucking mutt, a pussy as nigga that?—"
"I hate you!" It came out like vomit... raw, uncontrollable, but more than anything, wrong.
For a moment, we stared at each other, both with heat behind our eyes and sorrow glossing them over. The weight of what I said hung between us, just clinging to the air.
"You hate me?" he repeated. It wasn't a question but a realization. "This is the real you, huh, River? I see why I was only given the opportunity to know Four. But it's cool 'cause I see... I fucking see her, Four!"
Crown paused and looked at me, then really looked at me. I stood firm and didn't say a word out of fear of making things worse. But as I stared back, I saw the man who loved me start to slip away, and the boy who feared becoming his father began to appear.
"You really said you hate me over a nigga who—" His laugh came out dry and bitter, cutting his thoughts short. His hand slid behind his back, gripping his gun and aiming it at me.
I gasped as a chill swept through my body.
"Since you hate me over a nigga you probably didn't know forreal, I might as well put you down for a dirt nap right along with his bitch ass."
"I knew Sincere! I was with him for years!"
"Time doesn't mean shit. You should know that from how hard I fuck with you. I didn't know you for more than a yearand look how outta my fucking body I am about you. Fuck am I 'posed to do, Four?"
Crown moved the gun away from me and tapped his temple.
"I've given you the best of me and didn't let a dead bitch hold me back from you. A nigga was out here wildin' about you. I fucked up a single father's meal over you. I might have to send that nigga a card or some."
"You didn't do that for me. You did that to pacify your insecurities," I murmured.
"Is that what you think? I'm insecure because I didn't want some nigga falling in love with my woman over a plate of food? If that's what you think, then fuck it, I'm insecure. I'll be that because I see how fucking dope you are at everything you fucking do, including making plates of food. That shit is top-tier in my eyes 'cause hoes don't be thoughtful about shit like baked beans being next to the sticky wings and baked mac."
"Crown, please." I tried my hardest not to laugh, but I couldn't help it. Crown always made my simple gestures seem monumental.
"I'm deadass Four. I had muthafuckas keeping an eye on you just to make sure your ass wasn't out here in the next nigga's face. I made a nigga race a fucking car over you. I locked a muthafuckin' ring on your finger after knowing you for a month and a half. I did all that shit, but what was it for when your lost in love, ass rather be in a grave cumming on maggot dick instead of giving me my four-eyed babies."
"Crown."
"Nah, don't say shit else to me, River. You already talked me outta my sanity and had my head in the clouds behind the bullshit you were telling me. What was that shit you said to me? Oh yeah..." He nodded and smiled mischievously. "My fucking eyes house a part of your soul that you don't remember giving away. Was that a lie? It couldn't have been a lie 'cause then yousaid you wanted our moments to be framed forever. You fucking told me you wantedusforever."
"And I do!" I shouted, tired of feeling like I was being scolded for having fucking feelings. "Everything I said to you, I meant. I told you I wasn't ready for you before and made it clear that I was once I said I love you. I didn't tell you about Sincere, but I was honest in saying I wasn't ready. Does that count for anything?"
"It doesn't count for shit, River!" His voice rattled with rage. Crown paced in a small circle as the gun twitched in his grasp. Then he stopped, eyes wide and breathing hard, before pointing the gun at me. "Do you not see this fucking gun in my hand? Ain't no safety on this Four. All I gotta do is press the trigger and you're fucking dead... just like fucking Emily."
The guy who feared becoming his father had fully surfaced with an unspeakable pain dancing in his eyes. What hurt the most wasn't the malice in his glare where love used to live, but the truth. The truth was that I was the reason he was teetering on the line of insanity and sanity.
"I felt safe with you, Four. I gave you my heart and my last name. Shit, you're probably pregnant with my four-eyed triplets right now. But this shit... you fucked my head up with this one."
"I moved on from him. I swear I did." My voice cracked. "But when you tossed my things, and said you junked my car... it just stirred up all these emotions and it felt like you threw away pieces of me."
"None of that stuff should've felt like you. Who you were then isn't who you are now," Crown murmured, tucking his gun back into his waist. "The past was never supposed to mean more than your present and fuck up your future."
What he said hit like a hammer knocking the final nail into a coffin, and the body inside was our relationship. Crown and Four didn't exist anymore. He moved closer and cupped theback of my neck with trembling fingers. He pressed a kiss to my forehead, soft yet soul-shattering, and lacking the tender possessiveness I'd grown to love. This was final.
Pulling away, Crown didn't say a word. He turned, walked to the elevator, and disappeared. I stayed, the wind tangling my curls and my chest hiccupping with every jagged sob. I fought to keep it together, but I couldn't, not when I'd lost my forever. Not when the man who showed me love in its greatest form buried us next to the corpse who killed us. My knees buckled. I clutched my chest as if holding my heart with my hands was even possible. Fumbling with my phone, I pulled it out of my hoodie pocket and scrolled until I finally found Chosyn's name.
"River, are you?—"
"I need you," I whispered, my voice weak and broken. "Please... I just... I need you."
