Page 53 of River & Crown
"Life comes with darkness that only a certain light can immerse from. What's the point in living if there's no bliss to balance the ruin?"
What he said struck deep... a little too deep since I wasn't expecting it. I glanced toward the ground, feeling the tears ready to slip from my eyes.
"Tell me the truth, River... how are you?"
"I'm... I don't know." I sighed. "I'm having a hard time. Sincere passed three almost four years ago, and I'm still having trouble navigating life without him."
"I know these young men can be brash when it comes to how they love. I can only imagine some of the nonsense that boy told you in the name of love but know that living your life again doesn't mean you're betraying what the two of you had. Grief is just like a river. Endless, always in motion, never truly ending, and because of that, you can't stop living your life. Love didn't die with Sincere, and neither did you. Holding on to what was won't keep you safe from what's to come. Let it go and embrace whatever happens next."
Bursting into tears, I laid my head on his chest. His arms stretched around me, keeping me close. Snot was sure to stain his shirt, but Rook didn't care, and that's what I loved about him. Rook was understanding where my mother was logical. I couldn't talk to her about Sincere's death because, in her eyes,Sincere shouldn't have been running the streets or dealing with her underaged daughter. Without saying the words, she chalked Sincere's death up to karma.
"River, why did you—" Honey stopped mid-sentence, probably because of the way I was engulfed in Rook's bulky arms.
"Rook, what happened?"
"Nothing to worry your pretty little head about. Who is this gorgeous young woman we have here?"
I lifted my head to see who he was talking about, and sure enough, it was Kysre.
"Kysre," she answered evenly.
"Not a friendly one, I see." Rook chuckled.
I moved out of his arms and caught eyes with Honey.
"Don't," I mumbled before she could speak. "Let's just do a quick shot before the race."
"You shouldn't be drinking before the race, River," Kysre advised, coming to stand next to me.
"Listen to her, River," Rook added. "If racing is too much for you, then bow out or let one of the other BBs handle it."
"I'm fine. Kysre, you're riding with me."
"What happened to Crown?" Honey asked.
I shrugged, not knowing and not giving a fuck. Honey and I said goodbye to Rook, and Kysre gave him a tight-lipped smile. The three of us walked back to my car, not saying a word about what they had walked up on.
"Kysre, bring River's car to the starting line," Honey instructed, taking my keys from me to toss to Kysre.
Kysre did what she was asked, and as she pulled off, Honey moved in close. "Are you sure you're okay to race?"
"I'm fine!"
"You're not. I don't think you should race. Let Kysre handle it."
"No. I'm racing, and that's it."
Backing away, Honey eyed me as I headed for the start. I was tired of feeling like I was in a never-ending free fall and waiting for my body to hit the ground. Tonight, I wanted to be free of it all. I glanced at my phone one last time before locking the screen and shoving it into my pocket.
He's not coming.
The words haunted me as disappointment settled in. Crown had never missed one of my races, and the fact that he was missing the one I didn't even want to do, but he told me I should, was crazy. I got in my car, got settled, and then closed my eyes, whispering, "Guide me back home safe and sound."
"You got this, River," Kysre encouraged.
I smiled at her, waiting for the reassurance her words were meant to give to set in. I rolled my shoulders back, fighting off the tension, forcing out slow breaths.
Focus.
