Page 84 of Falling Princess
I blinked. “Like what?”
He shook his head. “Nothing. I’m not supposed to tell you. You’re not to be distracted from your studies. King’s orders.”
A lot of good it would do me to insist upon being included in these mysterious war preparations, then. “Is that why you’re spending so much time alone in your room?”
His shoulder lifted and fell, a tiny motion accompanied by a little smile that broke through his seriousness. I let myself look, taking in his sharp features and soft mouth. His hair was too long again. It grows like a weed and he rarely seems to cut it. I want to run my fingers through it all the time.
“You haven’t exactly been a social butterfly yourself this term, Princess.”
I had no response to that.
“Heavy class load,” I mumbled. We both know it’s because I’d rather be studying with him than out trying to befriend people who won’t understand why Lorcan never leaves my side. Or that I want him close by at all times now, when I didn’t last year.
The next weekend, Bashir and Kenton invited Scarlett over to watch a movie. She and Kenton squeezed onto the chair in a disgusting display of inappropriate affection which the rest of us determinedly ignored. I’m pretty sure he had his hands down her pants at one point. Bashir took up half the couch, leaving Raina and me to squish together. Lorcan sat on the floor between us.
I paid no attention to the movie, for I was too busy watching Raina play with Lorcan’s hair. His expression remained perfectly neutral. Neither encouraging, nor discouraging; tolerant at best. I wish I had the nerve to touch him like that. Raina did it so easily. Affectionately.
The lightest touch against my leg froze me as still as if I’d died on Mount Astra. Very carefully, I shifted so my calf pressed against his side, shoulder to knee, foot to hip. Lorcan wrapped his hand around my ankle and stroked the top of my foot with his thumb. That soft movement cascaded through my entire body, rooting me in place.
Raina, unsuspecting, kept twisting little braids into his hair. Guilt twisted my insides.
Poor Lorcan, beset by two princesses. Really, we ought to have more pride. I sighed, annoyed with my own pathetic neediness.
I’m not going to have an opportunity for mindless sex with men I don’t care about. Honestly, I’m not sure I want that anymore. The few experiences I’ve had weren’t great. At least I can trust Lorcan not to hurt me. My confidence is subterranean, therefore, in regards to all things related to sex and romance.
When the movie ended, I could barely get up off the couch. My legs were weak from imagining that touch in other places on my body. We avoided looking at one another. The spark of his gaze on mine might cause me to combust. I made my excuses and went to my room, putting my hand where I wanted to feel his.
Imagining what cannot be, lest my desires cause untold damage, yet again.
* * *
“Princess. You need to pack a bag. You’re going to Cata’s for a few days.”
I’d never heard Lorcan give an order like that before. My head snapped up. “I beg your pardon?”
Lorcan’s expression is the same one he wore the day I was attacked, calm but stony. “You should probably put together a go bag for emergencies like this.”
“What emergency?” As far as I knew, it was a cold Wednesday evening in early November. “What about swim practice?” There was a meet in Leeds this weekend. We were in the midst of midterms.
“I’m leaving for a few days. Cata will be here in a few minutes to pick up you and Raina. She will decide whether or not it’s safe for you to go to class tomorrow. It’s for your own protection.”
I closed the textbook I was scribbling in with my sparkly gel pens. Hastening to comply, I pulled an empty suitcase down from the top shelf of my study closet. “How long will you be gone?”
“I don’t know. A couple of days, at least.”
“Where are you going?” I wheeled it into my bedroom, which was an untidy mess. I hadn’t done laundry in over a week. Nothing embarrassing was sitting out, like underwear, but having him enter my small private space made me feel oddly exposed. I’ve been self-managing my out-of-control attraction to him on the bed next to my hip; the scent of me is everywhere. The thought of him knowing sent a rush of heat to my cheeks. Confusion tinged with fear made my hands tremble as I started tossing random objects into it. A hairbrush. A pair of slippers. Nothing useful, like clothes.
“I can’t tell you that, Zosia.” Lorcan peered around the door, checking to see whether anyone else was near enough to see us. He edged the door mostly closed. Alone. It’s as close to being alone as we’ve been in two months. My pulse leaped. His eyes were pools of bright clarity when he took my face between his hands.I feel it, too.
“Promise me you’ll stay at Cata’s. No cafes. No shopping. Especially, no parks.”
I nodded quickly. “No adventures. I promise.”
He chuckled and released me. “I’m sorry this is happening to you. You wanted to try life outside your gilded cage, and I’ve clipped your wings.”
Tears scoured the backs of my eyelids. “It’s not your fault.”
He cut me a blazing glance. “It is. I’m the one who...”
