Page 96 of Absolution

“She stayed, Kyle. She gave you loyalty. And now… it’s your turn.”

I look up, confused.

“To be the man your kids can trust. To show them that love isn’t just something you ask for, it’s something you live. You can’t rewrite what happened with Jackie. But youcanshow them what accountability looks like. What growth looks like.”

She tilts her head, kind but firm.

“You say you failed. So, what are you going to do next? That’s what they’re watching now. Not the man who hurt their mother. The man who’s trying to be better.”

She lets the moment settle.

“Start there.”

That’s it.Start there.

Dr. Nina ends our session with that.

What does that even mean? How do I show my kids I’ve changed? Seriously, do I go to a feminist rally? Do I start shouting“You go girl!”at every woman crossing the street?

I spend Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday thinking about it. I’m seriously considering giving up therapy and becoming an alcoholic instead.

The week the kids aren’t with me, I work Monday through Saturday, coming home after eight, sometimes later. The week theyarewith me; I leave by four. Until then, Luna, our babysitter watches them.

They swear they don’t need a babysitter anymore. They’re nearly teenagers. But the fact that they’re heading into those years is exactlywhyI want someone watching them.

I’ve talked to Luna more recently. Kind of had to.

Turns out, she’s not the only medical professional who’s taken a sabbatical.

Hell, most haven’t just taken breaks, they’vequit.

Especially the ICU nurses. She told me things I wish I could unhear. About running out of ventilators. About having to choose between saving a mother of five or a two-year-old. Choices no one should ever have to make. And I sat there listening, thinking:How many people might have lived… if they’d had help?

Sound familiar?

Yeah. It does.

Jackie comes to drop the kids off on Sunday instead on Monday, like always. I drop them off the following Sunday.

Dr. Nina has been no help in thedirectionsdepartment. Just keeps telling me I’ll have to “figure it out.”

Meanwhile, she continues digging through my past like she’s looking for buried treasure.

I’ve talked about everything, my childhood, my first crush, the day I met Jackie, why I married her, what I expected from the marriage, how it ended, and everything in between.

Turns out, I had a lot to get off my chest. More than I realized. With every session, I feel just a little lighter.

The day of the kids’ twelfth birthday, we decide to have a joint party. At Jackie’s house.

We planned it together.

And yes, I may or may not have needed a little… extra help. Some of her direction.

In my defence, Ireallyneeded it.

Did I use that as an excuse to talk to her?

…I plead the fifth.

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