Page 78 of Absolution

“Fine,” I mutter. “Maybe I should move on too. Spend my time with other women instead of… sitting here unpacking all this.”

I stand, huffing. The sofa squeaks as I get up.

“That would be your M.O.,” Dr. Nina says, calm and sharp, before I can walk away.

I pause. “What?”

She flips through her notes like she already knows exactly what she’s looking for. “According to whatyou’vetold me; the first time you cheated was when your wife was on bedrest. The second time, she’d just had a breakdown and left for a while.”

I stiffen.

“You know what both of those moments have in common?” she continues. “They weren’t about her being gone. They were about you feeling like you weren’t being given what you were owed.”

“That’s not true,” I snap. “I stayed when Levi got sick. I stayed when we were drowning in hospital bills. I didn’t run.”

“I didn’t say you run when things get hard,” she says, voice calm. “You stay. You fight. You shoulder burdens. But whenyou feel neglected, when you feel unseen, that’s when you leave. Not physically, but emotionally. That’s when you give yourself permission to break your vows.”

My chest tightens. My fingers twitch.

“Oh my God,” I whisper, slowly sitting back down. “I…”

Dr. Nina waits, hands folded.

“When I was a kid… I walked in on my father kissing his secretary. And I asked him why.” My throat works, memory thick in it. “Why he would do that to mom. And he said… it was the only choice. That my mom wasn’t there. That she neglected him.”

Dr. Nina says nothing.

“I didn’t want to believe him,” I go on. “But he was right. She was always gone. Church events, family obligations, charity things. My mom loved to show us off, but she wasn’t present. And I guess… I believed him. That it wasn’t cheating, not really. Because she wasn’t there.”

Dr. Nina meets my eyes, steady. “Your father successfully shifted the blame. He turned his betrayal into something rational. And you, as a kid who already felt abandoned by his mom, believed him.”

I close my eyes.

“And now?” she asks. “Do you still believe it?”

“I don’t know,” I whisper. “But maybe… maybe that’s what I did to Jackie. Told myself she left first. That she was gone. So, I could do what I wanted.”

She nods. “And now that she’s truly gone, now that she’s healing, you don’t want to believe that.”

The silence sits heavy.

“I don’t want to be like him,” I say. “I don’t want to keep blaming everyone else for my choices.”

“Then don’t,” she says softly. “You already know where that road leads.”

I stare at the rug beneath my feet. “How do I… get over this?”

Dr. Nina doesn’t answer right away. She shifts in her seat, then asks, “I’ve heard you talk about your father. About the fights. About how much you didn’t want to become him. But you’ve never really spoken about your mother.”

I blink. “I don’t really know her.”

She raises an eyebrow, waiting.

“I mean, she had a kid. She fed me. I know she loved me, but…” I shrug. “She loved her parties more. Her image. She never rocked the boat. My dad would openly parade his mistresses around, and she just… stayed quiet.”

Dr. Nina nods. “And according to your father, she had her own affairs.”

“Yeah.”

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