Page 30 of Ecliptic

13

Over the next few nights, my nightmares persisted. I’d wake up terrified with my heart pounding out of my chest and my body drenched in sweat. I tried not to wake Rowen, but no matter how gently I left the bed or how quietly I closed the door, he always appeared at the tree line, ensuring I never faced my panic attacks alone.

His presence was a steady, reassuring force that anchored me, but I felt guilty that I was causing the deep purple smudges under his eyes. “You don’t have to watch,” I said after the third night in a row. Once the attack came, there was no going back to bed, so I began dressing for the day. “I feel bad for waking you. I know it’s not pretty watching me like that.”

Rowen’s eyes, usually sharp as a falcon’s, softened, and his throat bobbed in a tortured swallow. “Not being able to touch you is surely the Spirits’ way of punishing me,” he said, his voice slightly breaking. “That I have to stand by helplessly and watch you suffer when all I want to do is take you in my arms and comfort you. Take away your pain. But I can’t. I can’t even get close because I know it will only cause you more distress. If myeyes are the only way I can give you strength, please don’t ask me to look away.”

His voice caressed over my body, causing my skin to pebble. He sensed even my smallest disturbance, his intuition finely attuned to my every need. My heart soared through the golden clouds and fiery sunset of our bond. No one had truly ever cared for me this deeply, this intrinsically. “I won’t ask you to look away,” I whispered, my heart, soul, and body yearning for the touch of my soul flame.

“Would you like to try talking to Takoda? I’ve recently begun mind-mending sessions with him,” Rowen said, the muscles in his jaw hammering through his beard. “To help me through all I endured in the Crypts. Before and with you.”

My night terrors shot to the forefront of my mind. In every one of them, Rowen was tied to a bed as his ex stroked him, touched him, and violated him in front of me. It was no less than what she’d done when she held us captive. She’d used me to lure him back into her web and bartered my life for his body. Aliphoura had licked, groped, and kissed him—made him say that I was nothing to him.

I knew it haunted him, as it haunted me too, and I was glad he sought help in whatever way was best for him. But my experience with therapy had been deeply traumatizing. Every word I spoke was twisted and used as ammunition against me.

Even though my sessions were with my parents, I could never shake the loneliness and fear that filled the room. I’d been forced to endure questioning and hours of testing. Just thinking about it made my palms sweat and my chest tighten.

“I’ve tried a type of mind-mending therapy before. It didn’t work for me. It did more harm than good,” I said, my eyes trailing up Rowen’s body. I took in his hands, fisted by his sides. The restraint it took not to wrap me in his arms and do to my body whatever he needed to assure himself that I was alive andwell was commendable. Each day, the struggle grew more and more unbearable.

He tightened his belt around his waist and slipped his ax into the holster. “I understand, my flame. We’ll find another way.”

“Maybe being allowed back on the training grounds will help—be my new form of therapy,” I said, finishing up the lacings of my boots.

During the day, my pleas to visit the prisoner were brushed aside. Nepta was well aware of my nightly attacks. They weren’t easy to hide, but maybe she felt bad for me because she finally granted me access to the training grounds for light exercises only. Nothing that could get my heart rate up or cause an attack.

It was beyond embarrassing that I had to be monitored, but I didn’t want to seem ungrateful. Not being able to do anything drove me crazy, and I was thankful for this one small freedom.

As we arrived at the training grounds, my gaze fell upon the rows of targets, blades, and weapons. The determination I’d once felt on this field surged through me. My initial goal for self-defense had evolved into a broader aspiration. I was determined to be prepared, so that when the time came, I wouldn’t have to choose who to save like in my dreams. I could rescue them all.

The area buzzed with movement as partners and groups engaged in sparring exercises. The clashing of weapons and the thuds of arrows hitting targets filled my ears. I was no stranger to the sweat, perseverance, and time it took to master such techniques. It reminded me of my track days. The dedication to honing one’s craft was the same, whether with warriors or athletes.

My hands itched to grab a blade. Nepta had forbidden me from holding weapons of any kind, but there were other ways to train in the meantime.

I sat on the ground and stretched. Rowen joined me,working on his own mobility exercises. When suddenly, a dark shadow fell over me. I glanced up, my eyes meeting an unlikely pair.

A fierce, feline warrior stood in her practice leathers. The sun was at her back, casting her silver hair and blades in a white-gold light. “I would like to speak with you,” Dyani said, her hands poised upon her dual blades.

“Of course,” I replied, but Dyani’s shoulders remained tight, her eyes flashing to Rowen.

My soul flame didn’t move, his eyes landing on her hands gripping her knives.

She scoffed. “I’m not going to hurt her, Damascus. Don’t be so dramatic.”

“It’s okay, Rowen,” I assured. “I don’t have a weapon. She won’t hurt me.”

“Your whole body is a weapon,” she shot back.

I flashed her a look. “Not helping.”

Rowen didn’t move, holding Dyani’s stare.

Finally, the warrior released her weapons.

“That’s better. I’ll meet up with you later,” Rowen said, leaving to give us privacy.

“I . . .” Dyani faltered. I knew she wasn’t one to communicate with soft words and gentle expressions, but she didn’t even know how to broach the subject of her twin’s betrayal.

“I’m sorry about your brother,” I said, knowing the look of pain etched around her sharp eyes. I could only imagine the rage and hurt boiling beneath her cold warrior exterior, but her twin’s disloyalty would not affect the strength of her stance.

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