Page 91 of Deviant

This feels too fragile.

This feels too precious.

I stay still, listening to his breathing, and it’s soft, calm, so different to the raging monster I know he truly is.

Perhaps I’m being stupid, reckless even, but I speak the words irrespective of what the consequences are, because I need to know. I need to understand.

“What did I do wrong?”

He frowns, reaching down to grab my chin and he forces me to meet that harsh gaze. “What?”

“You locked me away. But I was being obedient. I was being good.”

His eyes flicker between mine, it’s like he’s trying to read the desperate expression on my face, but I can’t tell if it’s to taunt me or to savour it.

“It wasn’t a punishment,” he says so simply as if negating everything I’ve endured over the last God knows how long.

“Yes, it was.” I sob and suddenly all that emotion, all that pain and fear and every single moment of desperation explodes like a tsunami. Tears stream down my face. I’m a blubbering mess and Magnus looks almost shocked by my behaviour. “You locked me away, you threw me into that padded cell…”

He growls, his grip tightens around me and that sorrow turns to abject horror as I realise I’ve now pissed him off. Will he do it again? Lock me away again?

“I had to keep you safe,” he says.

“Safe?” I blink back, barely believing that word has even come from his lips. Why would he keep me safe? Why would he care what happens to me? He’s beaten me, branded me, tortured me and raped me, why the fuck would he care what happens to me now?

Has he not said enough times how I am to die, how he is going to break me piece by piece before finally ending my life? Or is that it, that he wants to be the one to do it, that he can’t stand the thought of another person, another man like Anthony breaking in here, beating him to it, killing me before he gets the chance to drag the knife across my throat?

And then another thought hits me, Magnus is the devil, the literal devil. If he thinks he needs to keep me safe, then that means there is something or someone out there more dangerous than him. And how the fuck can that be possible?

I start trembling, my entire body shudders almost uncontrollably and though I try to hide it, Magnus obviously notices.

With his hands he rubs them down my arms, creating friction, creating warmth.

It feels like another intimate gesture, another moment so far removed from the monster I’m entwined with.

“You are safe,” he says as if he understands my fear. As if he is someone I can trust and believe.

“But you’re going to kill me.” I blurt out.

His pupils dilate just a little, his jaw clenches. But he nods. “One day. A long time from now.”

I don’t know what to say to that. How to reply. He doesn’t sound regretful. He doesn’t sound sad. He just states it like it’s a fact.

My heart seems to lock up, my head tells me to stop being so damned stupid. That this is my captor, my abuser, my future murderer. I cannot trust him. I cannot care for him.

And yet I do. I know I do. I’m a fool. A stupid fool who deserves everything I get.

I stare back at him, silently begging him to say more, to say that I mean something, to say that I am more than just his toy now, more than what I was.

Only, he doesn’t. He just stares back, meeting my gaze as if daring me to challenge him further, and that silence lingers between us.

Minutes tick by and then he shifts enough to tell me that this moment too is over.

“I have work to do,” he says.

My heart sinks at those words, but I know there’s nothing I can do.

I’m an amusement, a pastime in this man’s busy schedule. He gets me out of my cage when he’s bored, and then he packs me away when he’s done with me.

---