Page 103 of Deviant

“You desire my death?” I ask.

She shuts her eyes, hangs her head as if she can’t look me in the face. “I did, once.”

It’s not that I expected a different answer. It’s not that I didn’t know. You don’t do the kinds of things I did to her without such feelings being a consequence. And at the time, I wanted her to hate me. I revelled in that notion. I enjoyed it.

“I am not a good man.” I say again. “The things I have done, the things I will do, I will not change, I cannot change. I will do things that will make you hate me, but I will not do them to you.”

“But why? Why do you do such things?”

“Because that is my purpose. That is what is necessary. I am going to be Chapter Lord. I am going to rule over every Brethren Lord in this country. I must be ruthless. I must be unforgiving. I must be feared.”

And for the first time in my life, I want someone to truly see me for me. I want someone to truly understand me. And I want it to be her.

She lets out a sigh, like I’m asking too much. Needing too much.

“You can’t simply kill someone just for me.”

There it is again, that bullshit. That foolish belief that she should be above her base instincts, that she shouldn’t give into what her heart truly desires, to what her mind has dreamt of in the darkest pits of her despair. As if her pain as taught her nothing.

“Just for you?” I repeat. “I will kill them for both of us. I will kill them because it will make you happy, because it is what you want, even if you’re too proud and too stubborn to admit it.”

Her eyes flash, she glares at me for a second and then she chews her lip like she knows every word I’m saying is the truth she just can’t admit it.

Her eyes drop, she stares at the weapon on the bed before she reaches out and places it back into my hand.

“I don’t want to die.” she says, and a part of my heart sinks because I wanted her to say something else. To declare that I’m the reason she wants to continue, that it’s me and me alone that drives her every thought and not just her want to live.

Does she not think that? Am I not enough for her?

“You changed me, you broke me.” She gasps. “How am I meant to choose otherwise? How am I meant to be anything but yours?”

My eyes meet hers and I can see the tears streaming down her face. She looks more broken than ever, and yet so damned fucking defiant. My cock seems to come alive, and I can feel it straining in my pants, desperate to get out.

“What are you saying, Liliana?” I growl, starting to lose my patience. Is she choosing me or not?

“I’m saying that I’ll do it. I’ll marry you. I’ll be your wife.”

“Because you don’t want to die or because you want to be with me?” I don’t know why it matters. It shouldn’t matter. It’s never fucking mattered before. Either way I’ve won this, so why do I give a fuck what the reason behind it is?

And yet, I have to hear her say it.

I have to know the truth.

Even if it is purely her survival instincts, I have to know exactly where we stand. She knows I’m a monster. She knows everything that I am capable of. But I have to know if even now, if after everything I’ve done, am I beyond redemption, am I beyond her love?

“I…” she starts, silently sobbing, wiping her tears like whatever she’s about to say is the worst thing imaginable. “I love you.” She gasps. “I love you. I hate myself for it, I hate what you’ve done to me, but I can’t go back, I can’t undo it. You, you ruined me.” She spits the last, spits it like a curse but God does it change me.

I reach out, grabbing her jaw and roughly pull her face back up so that she has to face me.

“Not ruined you.” I state fiercely. “I created you. I moulded you. I’ve made every inch of you. You’re my perfect creature. Mine.”

She sobs harder at that and I pull her in, claiming her mouth and silencing those pitiful sounds.

This woman is mine. All fucking mine. She’ll stand by my side, more loyal and more trusted than any other person. I’ll hurt her, I’ll use her, I’ll care for her, and I’ll never let her go, not until her dying breath leaves her body, just as I first declared in the cathedral all that time ago.

She kisses me back. Her tongue twists with mine and it’s that same defiant, fierce stubbornness I’ve enjoyed so much. My hand wraps around the back of her neck and I close the little distance between us, pressing her body into mine.

I never thought I was capable of love. In so many ways I still don’t believe I am. And yet this woman, she is everything I’ve wanted, she is everything I need. I’ve created my perfect partner without even realising that that’s what I was doing.

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