Page 40 of A Cure for Recovery

To his surprise, Noah smiles. And it’s a kind smile, though his sigh is exasperated.

“What?”

“Do you even hear yourself? You want to make him happy. Don’t you think thatyouare the thing that makes him happy?”

“I know, he makes me happy, too, but–”

“No ‘but.’ Here.” He picks up his phone where it rests on the edge of the table, and scrolls for a minute. When he finds what he wants with an “okay,” he turns the phone around and shows Tommy the screen.

It’s a photo from the hospital, and at first Tommy’s shocked by how pale and small and half-dead he looks, sitting upright in the bed, still hooked to an assortment of IVs and monitors. He’s talking, though, mouth open mid-word. Frank’s standing at the door, arms folded, clearly giving him good-natured shit about something.

But then Tommy spots Lawson, sitting right up near the head of the bed, rail folded down so he can rest his arms in Tommy’s lap, and Tommy’s struck dumb by the look on Lawson’s face. He’s seen his crinkle-eyed, tearful smile in profile in the photo by their bedside at home, the one with Lawson’s face buried in the top of his head on their wedding day. But here, there’s nothing hiding his expression, and the soft curve of his smile, the joy glittering in his eyes as he stares up at Tommy, is staggering.

“Oh,” he says, softly. It’s not even the first time he’s seen that look on his face – Lawson wore it last night – but in the photo, they aren’t having sex, or even alone together, Noah clearly took the photo standing opposite the door of the room, and Lawson is gazing at Tommy’s bristled, washed-out face like it’s the most incredible thing he’s ever seen.

“Tom,” Noah says, pulling his phone back. “Has he seemed miserable since you got married?”

“No,” he says, automatically, but that’s not totally true. He’s looked miserable when Tommy’s gotten upset at his own stupid body, when he’s cried, or insisted he didn’t need help, or pushed Lawson away. “Well. When I’m an asshole.”

“You’ve got to chill out,” Noah says. “I get that you want him to, I dunno, chase his dreams or whatever. But he wasn’t unhappy because he was there, or because he wasn’t an author. He was unhappy because he missed you.”

Tommy buries his face in his hands and works to even out his breathing. “And I can never go back in time and fix that,” he mutters. And that’s the root of it all, isn’t he? He can’t undo the damage he did. Can’t make up for the lost years. He would if he could, in hindsight: thirty-eight-year-old him wants to take seventeen-year-old him by the shoulders and shake him until his teeth rattle.Fuck Frank, fuck the job, fuck Gino. Dad’s dead. Avenging him won’t bring him back, but Lawson’s alive, and he loves you, and you’re going to destroy him.

“What’s done is done,” Noah says, softly. “Are you really gonna fuck up the future because you’re stuck on the past?”

“No.” He sniffs. “I don’t want to.”

“Okay, then,” Noah says, like it’s that simple.

And it is, isn’t it? He thinks of Lawson getting home from work, and kissing the top of his head with a “hi, baby,” and his sharp burst of laughter when they talk shit about whatever movie they’re watching; and the way Lawson always wants to touch him, only pulling back when Tommy insists he’sfine.

Noah pats the top of his head. “You’re a real pair of codependent idiots, huh?”

Tommy nods, and Noah laughs. Then flicks him in the forehead between his spread fingers.

“Ow.”

“Time to order.”

When Tommy lifts his head, he sees that their waitress has arrived, looking between them uncertainly.

“Get the bacon lovers’ burger,” Noah says, like an order, and he does.

~*~

Lawson texts much sooner than Tommy’s expecting. “Shit, he’s done already,” he says, staring down at his phone.

I’m done, where r u? :)

Tommy texts back the address of the bar, and then says,how did it go?????

Be there in 10, Lawson says, the dick.

“What’d he say?” Noah asks.

“He didn’t. What an asshole.” Tommy’s stomach gives a shiver of disquiet, and he sets his phone aside and pins Noah with a look. “Hey, stop avoiding the question.”

Noah sips at his water and plays innocent. “What question?”

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