Page 28 of Vanish Into Light

Lance closed his eyes again, and tried tothink. “I can’t…”

“You don’t have to,” she said, immediately. “Lance, you don’t ever have to, if you don’t want to.”

But he’d wanted to last night, hadn’t he? He hadn’t resisted. He’d kissed back.

“I can’t,” he repeated, helplessly.

“Okay. That’s okay.”

But it wasn’t. Nothing was.

~*~

A cold shower – in Beck and Rose’s bathroom, because he couldn’t make himself go back and shower in his own – helped clear his head a little. Helped him feel more like himself – the real him, who wanted to make love to Rose and Rose only, and who spent most of his hours worrying over ops and reminding himself to double check his gear.

Rose was gone, when he emerged, which he found he was grateful for. He went to his room, dressed, gathered up his gear bag…and headed downstairs with a thorny ball of nerves in his stomach. By the time he reached the first floor, his palms were clammy. His stomach turned when he smelled bacon cooking – but he headed for the kitchen in the name of being the CO, and not being an absolute chickenshit who couldn’t face his one-night-stand the next day.

(As if anything about tangling with Arthur Becket in a shower was anything like a one-night-stand.)

He took a deep breath before he rounded the corner and stepped through the open doors, braced for the worst.

It was a full house.

Gavin had mess duty, apparently, and was at the stove, though Gallo was looking over his shoulder and offering suggestions. “I can make eggs, shithead.”

“Not very well.”

Tris and Morgan were sitting several stools apart on the long side of the island.

Rose and Beck sat side-by-side on the short end, facing the door.

Facing him.

Both lifted their head when he entered, in unison.

Rose offered him a small, but warmly encouraging smile – he couldn’t get over how much lighter she seemed. Happier. It left him sad to know that he hadn’t realized just how unhappy she’d been all along.

And Beck – Beck offered him a blank look. A downright cold look, actually, almost disdainful. His gaze touched Lance only briefly, and then dropped to his coffee as he brought it to his lips. Lips that had touched Lance’s own, and his throat. Lips that had called himbaby.

Lance felt like he’d been struck.

Tris noticed him. “You gonna just stand there, or what?”

Not just Tris – everyone else had noticed him. Everyone was watching him, even Morgan. Everyone save Beck, who was applying himself neatly to breakfast, hair tucked behind his ears to keep it out of the way.

Could they tell? Lance wondered, face heating. Could they look at him and know that he and Beck had…

But, no. They couldn’t. He’d pulled the collar of his jacket up to hide the scabbed-over puncture marks on his neck. So if he could stop blushing, and act like a normal person–

“What are we having?” he asked. He dropped his bag just inside the door and slid onto a stool – beside Morgan, the one farthest away from Beck.

“Bacon, eggs, and toast,” Gallo said, “if Gavin manages not to – hey, you’re burning them!”

“Shut up.”

Gallo set coffee before him, and Gavin brought him slightly burned eggs with bacon and toast, and even if he still felt sucker-punched, he managed to eat. Felt a little better afterward.

When Gavin asked, “What’s the plan for today?” he was able to outline what he’d decided as far as the op went.

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