Page 121 of Secondhand Smoke

“Do you want it?” Some of her temper was coming back, but in a more collected way. “You mother and sister said you did, but where have you been? Where’s your voice in all this?”

“Are you serious right now?”

“Very. I’m supposed to hand this child over to you in a few months, and you haven’t even begun to step up. I told your girlfriend I was pregnant because she needed to know. Maybe that seems cruel, but it’s no more cruel that you hiding it from her.”

“You…” Words failed him. For the second time that evening, a woman had highlighted his sins in neon colors. But one had done it in love and anguish, the other in bitterness.

He drew himself up taller, scowled at her. “You’re a nasty bitch. I mean, real nasty, first rate hell-worthy bitch. You treated me like shit, like I was worse than a dog, like I was gum on the bottom of your shoe.”

She made a face, shocked.

“I didn’t mean to knock you up,” he went on, feeling bolder. “And I’m sorry about that, I am, but we were both there, and you wanted it even more than I did.”

“I–”

“Shut up, for once in your damn life. You might be richer than me, and smarter than me, but you’re not better than me. You’re sure as hell not better than Sam, who’s the sweetest person I’ve met, and who you hurt bad today. Fucking shame on you for that. Ihateyou for that.”

She made a protesting sound.

“But I want the baby,” he said, and for the first time, by speaking the words, he knew without question that he really did want it. He could lay claim to few things in life, but that baby was his blood, his legacy. His. He’d no doubt be the shittiest father on record, but he’d known since the moment she showed him the sonogram that he had to have that little life. “I do,” he said, voice growing stronger. “So you’re gonna have to get the fuck over yourself. After it’s born, I hope I don’t ever see you again, but until then, you’re gonna keep me in the loop, and you’re gonna stop being such a damn bitch.”

She stared at him.

“Do you understand me?”

A long moment passed before she nodded. “Yes. I understand.”

~*~

No amount of makeup could disguise the dark circles beneath her eyes the next morning, but Sam spent fifteen minutes in front of the bathroom trying to do just that. She looked pale and hollow, much like she felt.

Fitting.

Aidan called five times and she let it go to voicemail, phone vibrating silently in her pocket, making her want to cry.

Ava showed up during her office hours, without her boys for once, somber in her long black coat and heavy boots.

“Sam,” she said without preamble, taking the chair opposite the desk. “You have to know that this is killing him.”

Sam opened her mouth, and a sudden sob threatened to strangle her. She swallowed a few times, blinked. “You think it’s not killingme?”

“I know it is,” Ava said with complete sympathy.

“You knew, didn’t you? About the baby?”

Ava’s guilty look was enough, but she nodded. “He asked me not to tell you. He wanted to wait until the right time, but I told him…” She shook her head. “Damn, what a mess.”

“My thoughts exactly.”

Ava sighed. “Mom and I are handling Tonya. You won’t ever have to deal with her.”

Sam sat back. “Do you think I’m such a pushover that I’m just going to go along with this?”

Ava looked wounded, surprised. “No, but you and Aidan. You’re notbreaking up with him. Are you…?”

“I don’t know.” Sam stared down into her lap. “I love him…God, I do. But I need some time.”

A beat, then, “You can have some time,” Ava said quietly. “But he loves you too.”

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