Page 84 of Walking Wounded

Luke pulls both hands back into his lap. “I’m a little bit afraid to listen,” he admits.

“I know. That’s fair.” Hal attempts to smile, but it’s shaky. “Kate was right, as usual. We shoulda had that conversation.”

“You and me?”

“Yeah. You and me.”

Before Luke can say anything else, Hal takes a deep breath and says, “Kate was the one who helped me figure it out, finally. She called me out on it.” He ducks his head and stares at his hands, picking at a callus with a thumbnail. “We were together for a couple months. And it was okay. It was good…I mean, it was fine. I think we both knew pretty quick that it wasn’t anything we wanted to last.”

Luke breathes, slow and measured, trying not to feel jealous. It’s such a long-term feeling, it doesn’t dissipate quickly.

“But then, one night,” Hal continues, lashes flickering against his cheeks as he blinks. “She asked me who I wished she was. She said,” he falters a moment, “that she could tell there was…I got this look on my face sometimes…she said, ‘You’re in love with somebody.’ And then, shit, the whole story just came pouring out of me.”

There is a part of Luke that has waited, and waited to hear Hal say those words. Not just love, butin love. A continual fantasy that haunts his dreams and probably always will.

But there is an adult, practical, self-preserving side of his heart that can’t forgive Hal for needing some woman he was fucking to point out to him that he might be in love with his best friend. Not when there had been time and opportunity to reach that epiphany on his own. Not after Luke had made a vulnerable fool of himself. He can’t let himself be broken open like that again. Hewon’t.

“Three years ago,” he says, quietly, “I told you I loved you. And you broke my heart. But Kate says something to you, and you wanna make out again?”

Hal makes a small, pained sound in his throat. “Will you let me explain? Please?”

Luke doesn’t want him to. It feels self-destructive to even listen at this point. But he nods.

Hal gathers his thoughts a moment. “I’ve thought about this and thought about it, and I’m still not sure there’s a way to say it that you’ll believe.” A smile breaks and retreats, impossibly sad. “I neverhaven’tloved you,” he says in that resonant, earnest tone Luke has always trusted. “But I didn’t ever think about us like that. Not really. I just…I was straight, that’s what I thought. I liked girls. Hell, I still like girls. I mean…shit, there isn’t a specific girl I still like. I just mean I’m attracted to them – not that I’m going to act on that. God, no, I’m not. I’m not like that…”

“You still think girls are hot,” Luke says with a patient sigh, tickled despite himself. “You can calm down. It doesn’t have to be a one or the other type thing.”

Hal nods, shoulders slumping.

“So you figured out you’re bi.”

“If that’s what you wanna call it, but…but, Luke, I’m not looking atguys. I don’t think aboutjust anyone.” His eyes lift, moss, and emerald, and jade, and serious. “It’s you. I’m attracted to you; I wantyou.”

Luke aches inside, a thousand little fires sparking to life.Love you.Want you. But he jokes, “Luke-sexual?”

“Maybe,” Hal says, and means it. “I think so.”

“Hal…” he sighs.

“No. Lemme finish. I…you’ve always been one of the very most important people in my life.Themost. But I always thought that relationship was separate from my love life. Maybe that it had to be. So I didn’t think…it didn’t even occur to me…and then three years ago…”

“But you ran away from me,” Luke whispers.

“I was scared,” Hal whispers back, hands clenching tight together. “Maybe it sounds really stupid, or insensitive, but I…I’d never been with a man before. And suddenly it felt like that was about to happen. And…and I liked it. And I wanted it…and you wereyou. I was humping my best friend and…” He looks miserable.

“I knew you were hurt – thatIhurt you – and I knew you were pissed at me…

“I’ve spent the last three years trying to figure out how to tell you that I was wrong, that I shouldn’t have run. That I love you, and I want you, and I want to give this a shot.” He sits up and spreads his hands. “That’s why I’ve been acting weird. That’s…that’s it.” He attempts to smile, but his eyelids flag, and he’s so exhausted and emotionally wrung-out that it doesn’t quite form. “I’m sorry, Luke. I’msosorry.”

Luke lets it wash over him, absorbs it through his pores, lets it mix with his blood. Hal’s confession. Allows himself to feel the anger, like fire under his skin. Feels the joy, the wariness, the confusion.

“You were scared,” he says.

“Yes.”

“Are you scared now?”

“Yeah?”

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