Page 74 of The Magic of Provence

He sat beside her, his body providing support when she leaned sideways and let her head rest on his shoulder. He pressed a soft kiss onto those amazing curls of her hair and then turned, his cheek on her head so that he could watch Bouton but not lose the contact he had with Fi.

He could still feel that love she was pouring into the fight to save a life that meant so much to her but, as he sat there quietly and the minutes ticked past, the feeling was changing. Not the amount of love. No… that was growing. Getting stronger. But it wasn’t coming from Fi and flowing over Bouton. It was coming from his own heart and…

…and it was all for Fiona.

Had he really thought he’d lost the ability to care this much for someone? This love was filling his heart so hard and fast it was making it ache. He turned his head just far enough for his lips to touch her hair again but he didn’t get a chance to leave a kiss.

A sob broke from Fi.

‘This ismyfault,’ she said.

‘Quoi?’ For a moment, Christophe was too startled to remember which language he needed. Then his focus sharpened. ‘How could this possibly beyourfault?’

‘Because I killed my own baby. I didn’t deserve another one.’

The shock was stunning. Christophe knew that Fiona hadn’t let another man touch her since the rape, so wasthatwhen she got pregnant?

‘It was just a baby,’ she whispered – as if she was talking aloud to herself. ‘It wasn’t his fault, the way he came to exist but… I hated that he was there. In my body. It felt like… like I was still being raped by his father.’

‘Oh, mon Dieu…’ Christophe put his arms around Fi. ‘Ma pauvre.’

He couldn’t think of the right words in English to tell her that he could feel the suffering she must have gone through all those years ago. That he wanted to reach back in time and be holding her like this. Offering her all the love that was needed to try and help her through something so horrific.

‘Who helped you?’ he asked.

‘You’re the only person who even knows about it,’ she said.

It was one shock on top of another. ‘So you went through it by yourself? Were the doctors kind, at least?’

‘No doctors.’ Fi shook her head. ‘I wished it away. I was its mother and I didn’t want it and I made it die. And that’s why I can never have another baby. Because I don’t deserve to be a mother.’

Christophe could see the way her hand was trembling but still wasn’t letting go of Bouton’s oxygen mask. He could feel her body shudder with a sob that was trying to escape. He held her tighter.

‘It hurt,’ Fi said, so softly he could barely hear the words. ‘It hurt so much but I deserved that too. I was nearly sixteen weeks pregnant, I think.’ The sob was agonised. ‘I could see its tiny hands. Fingers, even. I could see it was a boy…’

Christophe’s heart felt like it was bleeding. She had gone through all this alone and lived with it alone for all these years. How strong was this woman? How courageous?

‘What did you do?’ he asked gently.

‘I buried him. In some woods. There were bluebells everywhere. I’ve always loved the smell of bluebells. And they look like a place fairies might live. I thought a baby would like that.’

Fi looked up at Christophe, tears streaming down her face. ‘Do you understand now? Why I don’t deserve to be a mother? Why it might be my fault that Bouton’s going to die?’

He brushed her tears away with his thumbs.

‘Listen to me,tesoro. I have two things to say, okay?’

Fi gulped in a breath but nodded. ‘Okay…’

‘The first thing is you didnotkill your baby. You had a miscarriage. It is not possible to wish a baby away. If it was, nobody would ever need to have a termination, would they?’

Fi’s forehead was on his shoulder now, so he couldn’t see her face. She was looking down at the sleeping foal and it took so long for her to break the silence that Christophe wondered if he’d said the wrong thing and pushed her away.

‘And the other?’ she asked.

‘The other what?’

‘The other thing you had to say.’

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