Page 95 of Another Lucky Number

‘You don’t know that,’ he says. ‘Anyway, you’ll find out soon enough. I’m so glad you went ahead today, because I’ve felt bloody awful about everything that happened.’

I meet his kind, guilt-ridden eyes and feel myself melt. It makes me want to climb over the table and hug him – and then snog his face off. But I resist this urge. I need to get through this conversation without causing any further confusion. It’s only fair.

‘I know you have, James,’ I say instead. ‘And I’m sorry I left you feeling that way. You didn’t deserve that.’

‘Maybe I did.’ He shrugs. ‘I should never have got involved in that conversation yesterday. I also need you to know that I wouldn’t have offered you advice if I didn’t think you were up to the job. That’s not my style. I guess with us not knowing eachother that well, it might have come across a bit patronising, so I’m sorry for that.’

While I appreciate his apology, I can’t help feeling uncomfortable receiving it, because everything he did came from a good place – and a good heart. How can I blame him for wanting to help me succeed? For wanting to look after me? I don’t need looking after per se, but it’s nice to know that he cares. Plus, who wants to be fighting their corner alone – ever? That would be a damn lonely place to be. I had three people fighting mine last night and while the way they went about it wasn’t the best, it was well intentioned.

And anyway, who’s perfect? Certainly not me.

‘Thank you, James. I appreciate that.’ I take his hand and squeeze it. ‘I know you were only trying to help and I’m sorry I let you wander around looking for me. That wasn’t fair.’

‘Emma, you don’t have anything to apologise for. Nobody wants to hear people talking about them that way.’

‘Well, regardless, we’ve made our apologies and it’s done, yeah?’

‘You’re the boss.’ His face breaks into a relieved grin. ‘So, now we’re good, can we recommence our holiday romance?’

Ah shit. So much for not causing any confusion. I’ve wrapped this up too quickly. I still need to talk to him about us – and the fact that there possiblyisn’tan us.

Too sharp for his own good, James picks up on my body language and my hesitation and his grin wilts like a dying flower. ‘We’re not good, are we?’

Chapter Thirty-Nine

‘James… I… I’m…’ I search for the words but can’t seem to find the right ones.

‘Just say it, Emma.’ He seems to brace himself.

‘No, wait… there’s no “it”. But I do think we need to talk about where this might or might not be going between us.’

‘I’m feeling an emphasis on the “might not” part.’ He gently pulls his hand away from mine and my heart sinks at the symbolism of this.

‘James, as you know I’m not long out of a relationship that damaged my confidence in men – and in myself. This is a timing thing. It’s nothing to do with you, I promise.’

‘Please spare me the clichés. I’d rather you went for the band-aid approach. Go on, rip it off.’

‘I’m just trying to be honest. I genuinely don’t know whether I’m ready to jump into something serious again so soon. You’re amazing and attentive… someone who’ll challenge me to be the best person I can be, and I’m worried that as you do that, my insecurities will bubble up and eventually ruin us. I need to rebuild myself and my confidence, and—’

‘Figure out who you are, and what you want from life?’

‘No.’ I stifle a giggle. ‘That’s so “cheesy movie”.’

‘It seemed to fit the tone.’ He gives a weak smile, but his gaze is fixed on the table.

I watch him trying to shield himself from the hurt of my words, and as I do, I visualise how this conversation will end: with a disconsolate James walking out of the bar and me looking longingly after him, wondering if I’ve made the biggest mistake of my life. This followed by three further days of bumping into him and feeling the agony of not being able to laugh with him or kiss him. And eventually heading off home to probably never see him again. Expect maybe awkwardly bumping into him with a beautiful woman latched on his arm, whom I greet with resentment, because… she should have been me.

In an instant, everything becomes clear. I can’t let him go. I’m not going to lose him to that beautiful woman. Not unless he can’t work with me on what I now realise I need from him – in which case, she was always going to get him anyway. But until I ask, I won’t know.

‘James, I promise I’m not blowing smoke up your arse. I do need to rebuild my confidence and my faith in men, but… I want to do itwithyou. Not without you.’

‘You do?’ He looks up at me in surprise.

‘Yes.’ I snatch up his hand again. ‘But I need you to understand that I’m a bit fragile right now. I’m going to think you’re trying to fix me because I (not you) see myself as broken. I’m also likely to wobble and overreact and read things wrong at times, so I’ll need you to be patient with me, but ultimately, I think I’m going to fall for you… big style.’

James looks utterly bemused, but the corners of his mouth are twitching. ‘So, you’re not calling things off?’

‘Well, no.’ I feel myself redden. ‘I guess I’m saying that, if you can deal with all that, then we’re on. But I know that’s a lotto stomach, and I’ll understand if you choose to run out of here as fast as you can.’

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