Page 85 of Another Lucky Number

I pass a large pond and a building that has a sign on it saying ‘staff only’, eventually settling down on a bench that’s well enough concealed to give me the privacy I need. I’m struggling to process what I heard back in Cat’s suite. Their care and concern for me was evident, which, if that’s all it was, would be fine. That’s not what’s bothering me. It’s their lack of belief in me, and how they seemed to think they needed to form a committee to assess my fitness for the interview. It was hard enough having Amber playing coach with Cat in a supporting role, but James deciding to muscle in on things as well – it’s too much. And I’d never doubt them like they’re doubting me. That hurts more than anything.

But they have good reason to, an unwelcome voice in my head pipes up. I’ve might have shown that I’m great on paper. That I can evidence my skills and experience, create top quality content and build strong arguments. But I can’t seem to carry that through when presenting to and being challenged by others. Without the safety blanket of detailed notes, I’m skittish and lacking in self-belief, and I clearly suffer from imposter syndrome in that respect. Whywouldn’t they doubt me?

Regardless of whether Cat, Amber and James are justified in their lack of faith in me, there’s only one logical conclusion here: I need to pull out of the interview. I can’t bear the thought of them – or Sébastien and the audience at my presentation – cringing and pitying me. It makes me feel physically sick.

Decision made, I walk back through the gardens, into the atrium of the main resort building and across to the reception desk.

‘Emma, how are you?’ Charnice greets me with her usual bright demeanour.

‘Hi, Charnice.’ I give a feeble smile. ‘I’m… not so great actually. Could you pass a message on to Sébastien for me?’

‘Yes, no problem.’

‘Please can you tell him that I’m really sorry, but I need to pull out of the interview tomorrow.’

‘Yes, I can pass that on, Emma. No problem.’ She regards me with concern, and under her scrutiny, I feel the need to justify my request.

‘I’m just… not up to it.’

‘You are unwell? I’m sorry to hear this. I can arrange for you to see a doctor if it would help?’

Although this is not quite what I meant, it’s not altogether untrue. I did pass out on the beach, and I’m not in the best form right now – physically, mentally or emotionally. Charnice could also hear about what happened through the resort grapevine, so it may as well act as my cover story.

‘Thanks for the offer, Charnice. I haven’t been well this afternoon, but there’s no need for the doctor.’

‘All right, Emma. I do hope you feel better soon, and I will pass your message on to Monsieur Dumont straight away.’

I thank Charnice and take the route via the busy poolside and garden back to my suite in the hope that I’ll blend into with the other holidaymakers. I do feel guilty that Cat, Amberand James are possibly looking all over for me, but right now I need to be left in peace.

On reaching my suite, I shake off my sandals and cross the room to the huge bed, suddenly feeling quite home sick. I pull back the sheets and get under the covers, where, as expected, the tears come thick and fast. This holiday was supposed to be perfect. It was meant to be about three friends relaxing and having the time of their life: my treat to Cat and Amber on the back of my lottery win. It should have beenthatsimple.Thatgood.

I could point the finger at Amber: she was the one who ‘prodded’ Sébastien and who set off this whole chain of events. But it’s not really her fault. She’s a chancer – an opportunist. I could have said no when Sébastien offered me the interview. It was my hunger to find my dream job, not just her and Cat’s encouragement, that made me gun for it.

And then there’s James. He’s amazing and so damn gorgeous, and the thought of not continuing things with him makes my heart shred like that Banksy painting at the auction, but he’s another fixer. I kind of knew that from when we first met that he was a helper – though at that time I mistakenly thought it was that he had an ego-driven hero complex. But he’s not just a helper, it seems he likes to fix things (and in this case, it means he’s trying to ‘fix me’). Is that whatIneed in my life? Between my parents and Amber, I’m not sure I can cope with any more people trying to improve me. I want to build-a-better-Emma, but too many voices will beat me down, not lift me up.

I lie there, staring up at the ceiling, for what seems like an eternity. I have no idea what time it is and I don’t care. I’m still exhausted and just when I’m at the point of falling back asleep, there’s a loud rapping at my suite door.

Chapter Thirty-Four

‘Emma! Are you there?’ Amber shouts from the other side of the door.

‘Honey, we’re worried about you!’ calls Cat. ‘If you’re there, please answer.’

My overriding instinct is to stay silent so they give up and go away, but if I’m off the radar for too long (particularly given the fact that I passed out earlier), I know they’ll get worried and set up a search party, or worse, call the police. That would take my loss of dignity to a whole new level.

With a defeated sigh, I get up and open the door to my visibly relieved friends, noting to my own relief, that James isn’t with them.

‘We had a feeling you’d be back here by now, so we sent James to have another look on the beach,’ says Amber. ‘Figured you wouldn’t want to see him right now.’

‘Or either of us,’ Cat adds with a shamefaced expression. ‘We know we’ve upset you, but we can’t stand the thought of you being miserable and alone when you’re so far from home… well, I can’t anyway.’

I say nothing. All my efforts go into stemming the tears that are welling in my eyes.

‘Can we come in?’ she asks.

‘OK.’ I pull the door wider and return to my bed, leaving them to close it behind them.

They follow me inside and sit down on the sofa.

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