Page 62 of Just Like That
‘What do you need?’ he asks. ‘Anything, just tell me.’
‘Thank you. What I need is to make it worthwhile getting a bit wet, and also…’ I lower my voice and relay my proposal to him.
Two minutes later, I re-join Lauren in front of an increasingly restless crowd. Her face is flushed with exasperation.
‘I don’t know what you’re about to do, but thank you in advance,’ she murmurs out the corner of her mouth. ‘Who’d have thought people in this country would have such an issue with a few drops of rain? Why did they even sign up if they hate the thought of getting a bit damp?’
‘People will never cease to surprise you.’ I smile at her sympathetically and turn to the group.
‘Hi, everyone. My name is Jess and I’m here with Lauren this morning to make sure you have a great experience. Now, it’s clear that some of you aren’t keen on our well-known friend, the Scottish drizzle, and that’s fine, because we’ve got something else a little bit special lined up for you. Something that wasn’t mentioned on the programme, but that will be an ongoing feature of these events.’
I glance across at Nick to check he’s not ready to murder me for saying this last part, which we haven’t actually agreed, and he nods that it’s fine.
‘Our head keeper, Nick, is going to take those of you who prefer warmer climes for an exclusive and unparalleled experience. This will be held in our magical tropical house where you’ll get a VIP tour and a front row view of feeding time, which is always a great time for photos. Perfect to share with your grandchildren, don’t you think?’
There are a few ‘oohs’ in response to this, which is a good sign.
‘Now, we can only do that for fifteen of you today,’ I continue. ‘So, if you’re happy to brave the weather, we suggest you join the outdoor tour. But if Nick’s special experience is something you’d like to do another time, we can get you booked on to another coffee morning today at a twenty-five per cent discount, and we’ll reserve a place for you on Nick’s tour then.’
This time, a more positive murmur reverberates through the group and I breathe a sigh of relief. It’s worked. They’re coming around.
‘So, is everyone all right?’ I ask, and receive a collective ‘Yes’. ‘Great, then, Nick, why don’t you come over and say hello.’
Nick wanders across, giving a wave and a ‘hi, there’, and I notice some of the women most put out at the idea of getting rained on sit up attentively.
‘Put me down for the tropical house, I’m all for getting hot and bothered with Nick,’ one of them cackles and there’s a collective snicker among those who I’m now labelling the ‘troublemakers’ of the group.
‘Oh, my God, what have you gotten me into?’ Nick looks mildly terrified.
‘You don’t fancy adding in a strip show, do you?’ I giggle. ‘That’ll gain you one hell of a regular clientele.’
‘When I said I was happy to do anything, that wasn’t quite what I meant.’
‘Yeah, sorry about that. They’ll probably be quite tame once they’re up close and personal. I’ve seen this type before, you’ll be fine.’ I give him a little wink and address the group once again. ‘OK, everyone who’s doing yoga, can I ask you to head to the staged area just over on the right there. And if you want to join Nick’s session today, pop your hand up now.’
I’m relieved to see about the right number of hands, but Nick’s terror intensifies as he clocks that he’s about to spend the next hour with the women who were lusting over him only moments ago.
‘Good luck,’ I mouth to him with a cringe, and then send our guests off in their respective directions.
When the yoga session is over and the other two groups have returned from their park activities, Serge and his catering team are ready and waiting. Industrial-sized tea and coffee urns line the buffet tables alongside enormous platters of scones and various cakes and traybakes. It’s a delicious-looking spread, and to my relief, our guests seem delighted with the offerings.
They settle in clusters at tables both indoors and out, their boisterous chatting and laughing echoing in the high ceilings of the park restaurant and carried by the breeze outside. The scene reminds me more of a school trip than a pensioners’ coffee morning. Their energy is infectious and I find myself feeling invigorated by the experience.
Looking around, I spot Nick attempting to sneak off, so I dart across the restaurant and exit it at the other side to cut him off.
‘Not so fast.’ I place my hands on my hips. ‘I want to hear about your experience with our clientele. How did it go, Mr Studmuffin?’
‘How do you think it went?’ He looks highly uncomfortable.
‘Oh, Nick, was it really that bad?’ I soften my stance and my expression turns serious. ‘They were a bit frisky but I thought they’d actually behave themselves when they were with you. If they did anything that made you feel—’
‘Gotcha.’ His face breaks into an impish grin.
‘Seriously?!’ My hands return to my hips, but this time in mild outrage. ‘I thought you were about to tell me you’d been… violated.’
‘Sorry, I couldn’t resist. They were fine, just as you said they would be.’
‘You cheeky sod,’ I scoff.
