Page 89 of Just Like That

‘I’m fine.’ Seth tries to continue unaided, but he’s becoming more unsteady by the second and it’s obvious he’s run out of steam.

She reaches out and gently touches his arm. ‘Hey, sexy man. You have nothing to prove to me and you know how I feel about you. How about you call it for today?’

This is all it takes for Seth to stop and accept that he’s done, and from the way he looks at Alison and how she looks back at him, I can tell they’ve both found their soulmate. This fills my heart to bursting point, because all I could ever want is for Seth to find his happy ever after. However, watching this wonderful exchange between them also reignites the agony of losing the man who might just have been my own soulmate, and in an instant, my decision is made.

‘Alison, Seth, would you be OK if I headed off for a bit?’ I ask as we help Seth back into his wheelchair. ‘There’s somewhere I need to be.’

‘Of course,’ says Alison. ‘We’ll head back to the flat together.’

I look at Seth to check his reaction, despite the fact that at this particular moment, he’s probably never needed me less.

He grins at me. ‘Go get him, tiger.’

Chapter 43

Hurrying through the gates of the wildlife park, a jangling ball of nerves suddenly rises up within me. So much so that I almost miss one of the park team greeting me with a wave from across the courtyard. All I can think about is how much I need to talk to Nick right now, and how terrified I am that he’s going to tell me where to go. And I wouldn’t blame him. I let him down big time and I expect he won’t know if he can trust me not to do the same again. Whatever happens, I have to accept the outcome – whether I like it or not.

I visit all of Nick’s most regular haunts, but he’s nowhere to be seen. This feeds my feelings of anxiety and vulnerability to the point that I start to feel shaky and like my legs might give way. I can also, to my displeasure, feel stress-induced beads of sweat dripping down my back. Finding the nearest bench, I settle down on it and try to get myself together, rubbing my temples while taking long slow deep breaths.

‘Jess?’ A voice seems to come out of nowhere and I look up.

‘Nick.’ I attempt a smile but it falls flat. ‘I’ve been looking for you.’

‘Well, here I am.’ He shrugs, his expression unreadable. ‘Do you need something?’

I get to my feet and walk nervously towards him. ‘Yeah, I do. I need to apologise, and I need to explain myself.’

‘OK.’ He eyes my fidgety stance. ‘Shall we take a seat for this? Maybe you’d be more comfortable that way.’

Still possessing the dexterity of a newborn giraffe, I don’t need to be asked twice. I return to the bench, while Nick follows and takes a seat beside me, leaving a distance between us that practically screams ‘we’re not a couple anymore’. Flinching at this, I inhale shakily before starting to speak.

‘Nick, my brother, Seth, had a stroke a few months ago.’

‘The day I first met you at the hospital.’ Nick grimaces as he takes this disclosure in.

‘Yes.’ I chew my lip guiltily. ‘I’m so sorry I didn’t tell you. I was holding off for good reason though.’

‘Holding off? It seems you didn’t want me to find out at all.’ His tone is cutting, his hurt evident.

‘Not in the way that you think.’ I look up at him to convey that I’m genuine. ‘I didn’t want to end things with you, please believe me.’

There’s a short silence between us while I wait for Nick to respond.

‘I know you didn’t,’ he says eventually.

‘You do?’

‘You’re not the only one who paid Rana a visit after you broke up with me.’

‘You overheard me talking to her.’ I colour at this realisation.

‘Yes.’ He nods, kicking at a stone on the ground. ‘But I kept out of sight, because I was confused and I didn’t know what to do with that information. One thing that seems obvious, though, is that you didn’t break things off because all you wanted was a meaningless fling.’

‘No, I didn’t.’

‘Then why did you break up with me?’

My insides squirm under Nick’s scrutiny. ‘Because I’d kept things from you. My brother being the main one. You made it clear that, after what you went through with your ex-wife, you wanted a simple life with no baggage. That was the last thing I could offer you. You might not remember but you even said one of the things you liked about me was that I was “uncomplicated”. I thought if Seth improved and became more independent, I’d have more time to spend with you. My head is such a mess at the moment with everything going on with Seth and work, and I hoped once everything had sorted itself out and I could properly focus on you, maybe we’d have a chance…’ I tail off, unsure where to go next.

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