Page 85 of Just Like That

‘I think you saw this thing between us as more than it is.’

Nick inhales sharply in response to this. I can almost see the thoughts in his brain lining up as he tries to make sense of it. Then he nods, as if coming to some sort of conclusion.

‘I was just someone to pass the time with. A bit of a fun distraction while your career was off track.’

I desperately want to tell him how wrong he is, but I can’t. Not without making things a whole lot more complicated. Because once one truth comes out, it will all inevitably come out.

‘Yes,’ I say through gritted teeth. ‘I never intended for it to be anything more. I’m sorry if I led you on.’

‘Right…’ His eyes fill with a deep anguish that I so badly want to take away from him, but I have to leave things alone and let him deal with this his own way.

He gets up and just stands there for a few moments, then he walks out of the door in silence, closing it softly behind him.

I sit quietly for a moment, taking long, deep, shaky breaths, knowing I need to hold it together in case I pass him on my way out. Then to my surprise, he re-enters the room.

‘You know, I was going to let this go quietly.’ His voice quavers with emotion. ‘I was going to keep my cool, because at least then I’d have got through this with my dignity intact. But I’m sorry, fuck that. You did lead me on. I didn’t dream this to be something more. You let me think it was. Is that what all you women do? Because that “type” is all I seem to come across. Does it make you feel powerful or attractive or something?’

‘Nick, no, it doesn’t—’

‘Please don’t talk. You’ve said your piece. It’s my turn.’

I say nothing further and simply hold my hands up in a gesture of surrender.

‘Thank you. I’m now going to tell you how this feels.’ He stares me straight in the face, and I have to look away. ‘I want you to know, so that maybe next time you think twice before shitting on a guy’s heart. You let me fall for you; I mean properly fall for you. I couldn’t trust anyone after my wife, then I met you and I thought you were different. Like, really special. But all you were was another version of her…’

I flinch, because he’s closer to the truth than he realises, and I hate that I’ve hurt him so completely.

Nick tails off and looks out the window, wiping a rogue tear from the corner of his eye. I don’t dare move or say a word, because it’s clear he’s not finished.

‘See, this…’ he turns back to me, his eyes glistening with hurt ‘…this is why I prefer animals over humans. They won’t lie, they won’t cheat, they won’t stamp all over you when you’re at your most vulnerable. I let myself be fooled into thinking I was wrong to shut myself off like that. Well, one thing’s for sure, I won’t be making that mistake again.’

With those final words, Nick exits the room again, this time letting the door slam behind him.

Chapter 41

On my way out of the park, I stop by Rana’s enclosure again, as I suspected I might feel the need to. Even though I’ll still be making trips out here fairly regularly for the foreseeable future, this feels like a kind of goodbye. I won’t be able to join Nick for play time with her anymore, nor will I feel comfortable having a wander around. Craig has assigned me a couple of new – depressingly unchallenging – projects, so my attention and focus will be diverted elsewhere. My visits here will be more in-and-out-in-an-hour, perhaps sometimes even virtual. There will be no real need to be here in person for things like the weekly project meetings.

‘Hi again, Rana,’ I greet her with a soft voice on approaching the exterior of her enclosure. ‘You still giving this place a good hoovering?’

On recognising my voice, Rana stops snuffling at the tree bark she’s inspecting and lollops across to me. Getting up on her hind legs, she then sniffs at the air, which I guess must be her way of checking me out. Crouching down to be at her level, the additional fencing keeping us at a slight distance, I chat away to her, without really thinking about the fact that she doesn’t understand a word I say. It’s weird, but she almost feels like a friend. She has her own little personality, all the animals do, so I can understand why Nick feels the way he does about them.

‘I won’t be seeing as much of you anymore unfortunately.’ My voice breaks as I say this and I rub my jaw, the weight of this moment pressing down on me. ‘I’ve got other work I have to do – not that I want to – and, well, I’ve royally messed things up. Anyway, you take care of Nick for me, yeah? He’s one incredible guy who I will very much regret leaving behind.’

Rana, of course, doesn’t answer me. She’s also lost interest – probably because I’ve got nothing for her to eat – and is now using her huge long tongue to investigate a crevice in a tree trunk. Letting out a quiet sob, I say goodbye to her and then head for my car, wiping tears from my face and blowing my nose as I go.

By the time I finish work for the day, I’m beyond exhausted and all I want to do is curl up into a ball and go to sleep. This is what I have every intention of doing, so I don’t have to face the horrendous feelings of loss that are coming from every angle: Seth, Nick, the park, a job that means something to me and gives me a sense of achievement. The only saving grace in it all is that, with Seth not speaking to me, I can just shut the world out for the night.

On entering the hotel, I pass reception, nodding hello to the staff members as I go, and hit the button for the lift. A few seconds later, there’s a ding, and as the doors spring open, I move aside to let the occupiers out, one of whom happens to be Shane from the other night.

‘Oh hey, Jess.’ He flashes me a row of almost perfect white teeth, the slightly crooked bottom row making his grin seem a tad lopsided. ‘How you doing? You game for another night out?’

‘Um, no, thanks.’ I redden, wondering two things: how he can be so casual after what happened between us; and how long he hung around after we did the deed. Did we agree to part ways, or did he sneak out while I was comatose?

‘How about a drink in the bar then?’

‘I’m not feeling too well, actually,’ I say to get the message across.

‘Ah, two-day hangover, is it?’ His eyes crinkle with amusement. ‘No surprise, given the state of you. I’m not sure you’d have made it back to the hotel, never mind your room, if I hadn’t been with you.’

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