Page 83 of Just Like That

Reaching for my phone, seeking answers – my camera roll and social media being the best bets for finding compromising evidence – the screen illuminates and my eyes zone in on multiple missed call notifications from Craig, Gwen and Nick. My focus then shifts to the clock.

Sh-i-i-te.It’s Wednesday, it’s eleven a.m., and I’m not at work.

What have I done? The shock is too much on top of already feeling like I’ve drunk my body weight in tequila. Throwing back the covers, I rush to the toilet, where I heave up my guts over and over, before returning to the bed to get myself together.

That’s when I see it.

On the floor is a hotel key card holder. At first I assume it’s mine, then my gaze moves across to my bedside table, where there’s another one sitting next to my phone – which must be my own. Reaching down to pick it up, another wave of nausea washes over me on seeing a room number that’s not mine. It’s Shane’s. No doubt about it. I remember the barman asking him for his room number to charge the drinks to. Looking around for further signs that he’s been in here, I then spot the half-drunk glass of water sitting on the bedside table, on the opposite side from where I slept. I know it’s not mine, because my water glass is sitting – almost accusingly – right beside my key card. It’s at this point that I also note with dismay that I’m only wearing my knickers and that’s not how I usually sleep.

Taking all this in, my head spins violently as it hits me that, not only have I just compromised my job by going AWOL, I’ve also cheated on Nick.

This final revelation is too much, and I begin sobbing loudly. I cry and cry until I’ve nothing left in me. Then, once I’m calmer, knowing I have to address the biggest problem of all first, I put my phone to my ear and call Craig.

Chapter 40

I consider telling Craig I’m unwell and that I slept in because I’d been up most of the night (not actually a lie, but not particularly honest either), but I decide this is dangerous territory to cross into. Anyone could have seen me out last night, and having already withheld my relationship with Nick from him, I can’t allow myself even one more step onto that slippery slope. Instead, I confess that I’m having some personal issues, and tell him I’ll sort myself out pronto. As much as I hate him for how he’s treated me, today is a mess of my own making, and I have disrespected him as my employer. I can’t lose my job; that would hurl Seth and I into a financial black hole that even my waste of space parents wouldn’t be able to bail us out of. They’re notthatwell off.

Craig’s patience with me, it seems, does have its limits after all. He gives me an informal verbal warning and a very clear message that if it had been one of his ‘real’ clients I’d been supporting, I would have been facing formal disciplinary procedures. He tells me to take the day off to ‘sort myself out’ and that he expects me to go down to the park the following day to apologise to Gwen. Of course, I had been planning to do this anyway.

After speaking with Craig, I then call Jackson and confess my sins (although I leave out the bits I’m most ashamed of). He also tells me to take some time – Seth is nowhere near ready to have me around him yet anyway and me being hungover would possibly only fuel the fire. On his advice, I call reception and add another two nights to my stay, then meet him briefly outside my flat so he can pass me some additional clothes. I make sure to message Nick to let him know I’m OK, but that I ‘have some stuff going on’ and I’ll see him tomorrow.

I spend the rest of the day and evening sleeping off my hangover, self-reflecting, ruminating and berating myself, because I’ve let things get out of hand and basically hit the self-destruct button on my life.

When Seth had his stroke, I decided that my career had to take a back seat and my brother had to come first. However, I never really allowed that to happen in practice. I should have accepted Craig’s decision to remove me from the meaty projects, rather than fighting it so hard. Even taking into account what Jackson said about being able to secure Seth’s and my financial future, I can’t hand on heart say that’s why I went into battle with Craig. As well as being concerned about my future career prospects, my pride was hurt, I now realise. It was humiliating being succeeded by my junior colleagues, so I refused to let things go.

Then, of course, my eye came off the ball even more when I got involved with Nick. The chancer pick-up guy from the hospital car park who started off as a grumpy co-worker and became the man I wanted a future with. Past tense. Because after everything that’s happened, a future for us is impossible. I’ve misled him into thinking we can build something magical together when we can’t. I can’t offer him the uncomplicated, baggage-free life he wants, and he knows nothing of my responsibilities in relation to my brother. I had thought I could tell him when those responsibilities lessened, but with Seth’s recent news, the chances of me ever having that level of freedom have diminished. On top of all that, I’ve betrayed him in a manner that only makes me less of a shit than his wife in divisible terms. These realisations make me feel sick and heartbroken in equal measures.

It’s over. From now on, my full focus will be on Seth. I’ll earn back his trust and put everything into caring for him and getting him as well rehabilitated as possible. I’ll go through the motions at work, keeping my head down and ensuring my pay check is safe. That hopefully won’t be too hard, because since I’ve had the grim realisation that I’ve been nothing more than a money-spinning cog in Craig’s greedy wheel, the shine of my former high-profile career has worn off a bit. And love will have to go on the back burner for the foreseeable future. That’s the only way from here which, while deeply painful, isn’t so difficult given I’ve destroyed any chance I had with Nick by cheating on him anyway.

As agreed with Craig, I drive down the wildlife park the next morning to apologise to Gwen. And while I’m there, I’ll have to staple on my big girl pants and give the bad news to Nick. This is, without doubt, the part I’m dreading the most.

At nine a.m. on the dot, I knock on Gwen’s office door and she calls for me to enter. Once inside, she gestures for me to take a seat, while she finishes up what she’s doing on her computer.

‘Gwen, I’m so sorry about yesterday.’ I rush in with my apology the moment she focuses her attention on me. ‘I was completely out of order. I’ve never done anything like that before and I’m so ashamed of my behaviour. I’ll understand completely if you no longer want me working with you here at the park.’

I bow my head, fighting back the tears as I await her response. She seems to be reflecting in the way she does, making it the longest ten seconds of my life.

‘Jess, do you think you know me well enough by now to gauge how I might react to this?’ she asks me eventually.

‘Um… not sure.’ I don’t know where she’s going with this, so I err on the side of caution.

‘You’re really not sure? How about you hazard a guess?’

I look up at her, puzzled, while she leans forward, hands clasped with her index fingers pointing to the ceiling. Her gaze is fixed on me.

‘Now I’m not sure I want to in case I get it wrong.’ I wince at my own cowardice.

‘All right, how about I frame the question differently? What kind of person do you think I am?’

‘Well, that’s an easy one. You’re super committed to the park and your people. You’re fair, you’re caring and you treat your employees like family.’

‘See, that wasn’t so difficult. Now, how about answering my first question again?’

‘Eh… OK…’ I give this some thought. ‘Maybe you would be forgiving, understand that people are human and that they make mistakes?’

‘Spot on.’ She bangs the desk with her palm, making me jump. ‘Even people like you make mistakes, Jess. And everyone has a breaking point. What I’m more concerned about is: what’s going so wrong in your life that you’ve lost your way? And how can I help?’

It’s such a big and human question that I start to cry, and then it all pours out – every last bit.

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